Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

So your 24 year daughter old was mocking her, to you, in a home that your DIl was then living in, and you didn't shut her down either?

And she hasn't sincerely apologised in the 4 years since?

She's had plenty of time.

Suspect you're lucky you get to spend any time with your son and grandchild if that's the case.

Unfortunately this has happened to us and now DH doesn't speak to his mum and she doesnt have a relationship with us or our children. It's her own doing, she made her choices and has many opportunities to put things right but refuses to do so because "she's done nothing wrong".

Reap what you sow

Plus @worldlyweather you are correct that your daughter can say what she wants in her own home. However people can also be hurt / offended and expect an apology.

she didn’t expect to be overheard- but she was. And then hurt someone’s feelings so should have apologised. Didn’t you ever teach her that it’s not a joke unless everyone is laughing?!

Why do you think it is ok for the daughter not to apologise?

You keep making out as if the DIL is the problem when she did nothing wrong but distant herself from someone who hurt her and didn’t apologise for doing so.

Her husband knows his sister better than she does so he probably knows what she is like and decided this was the last straw.

I bet this isn’t the first time his sister had done such behaviour and her not doing the simple, decent thing of apologising likely was the last straw for him. If they were close and/or she is a nice person, he wouldn’t be not wanting her around or be seeing her himself without his wife.

Why are you trying to get your DD to sort things out with you dd ,? Your dad sounds like she is the one who should be mending bridges.
I agree with other mumsnetters...it sounds like you dd is the golden child.
You can still have a relationship with your new grandson...just don't mention dd when you are there

No I don't know any either.

And I don't consider anonymous threads to be people I know.

Sounds like you have an unusual family and workplace.

Putting aside your casual misogyny, would you advise the dd to apologise or not?

Being a feminist doesn't give you a free ticket to be rude to people with no reason.

I understand where you're coming from but think you're oversimplifying too much here tbh, normally people don't fall out because of one person 'saying something slightly wrong' one time.

That MIL saying 'something wrong' could have followed months or even years of making the DIL feel like she isn't good enough, being opinionated and or narcissistic, it could be one of a long line of veiled insults and nasty behaviour at which point it is obvious the MIL just doesn't like the DIL and the DIL has had enough of trying to be accepted and refuses to engage any further.

To the ignorant eye that could look like they've fell out over one person saying something slightly wrong, when really it isn't the reason at all.

Not everyone is a nice person, or can be welcoming and nice to extended members of their own family (DILs for instance), especially when they feel their toes are being trod on or if there are issues of jealousy, resentment etc, so why should people have to forgive and 'let go' when someone is treating them horribly?

Abby is that mum who thinks children should invite their bullies to their birthday parties because it's the nice thing to do. How the child feels doesn't matter.

Hmm, no, it’s more of a general consensus in this instance because it’s stark startlingly obvious that OP’s and her DD’s behaviours and expectations have gone so far in the wrong direction, that they can’t recognise the way back and refuse to accept directions.

No one is bullying the OP; she came asking for opinions. She got them.

Your DIL is not driving a wedge. You are. Your daughter was rude and never apologised. They chose to distance themselves from her, and it was you who took sides. It was you who decided taking sides with your daughter is more important than keeping a relationship with your son. It’s your fault you haven’t seen your grandchild.

It’s not often I’m stunned on MN but your thread is a whole new level of favouritism and victim blaming.

I love that your son is sticking by his wife and child.

You are missing out. You can do something about it but until you open your eyes to what a good man your son and why he feels the need to protect his family is then you will just keep missing more.

They are better than both you and your dd.

Forgot to add but one day they will stop holding that door open for you.

The title of your post tells us all we need to know about you.
It’s not really about your dd is it? You don’t care for your dil and she has sussed this out

@worldlyweather have you put yourself in your DIL's shoes? You said your daughter "didn't take to her" and that she was mocking her. If it was you being treated in that way would you want to have a relationship with that person?
You say your Dd hasn't been able to apologise as she won't see her. That's a ridiculous cop out. What about text messaging / WhatsApp / good old fashioned paper and pen?
The fact that you have stuck with your DD so strongly, despite the fact that she was the one in the wrong,that you missed your sons wedding and haven't met your grandson is quite frankly incredulous.
Good on your son, he is absolutely backing the right person.

It's interesting that @Abbylikeswine has only ever posted on this thread.

And that MIL too who think it's ok for adults to mock partners of their siblings, and it's also OK to turn it around and blame DILs.

Never have two posts explained so much.

Op I think these replies sum it up. Your daughter can’t be that upset or she’d be on her knees grovelling. And you have backed her up, that’s terrible!

Not if they don’t apologise or apologise insincerely

Sure, what I haven’t seen is all the threads about how men don’t argue with each other.

It is possibly too late now, to make amends and I think the attitude of MIL and SIL is unlikely to evolve to the point of taking responsibility for their behaviors. But having said that I'd strongly recommend heartfelt apologies from you both to the DIL, preferably face to face. If she won't allow that, put it in writing in a letter. And without any excuses whatsoever.

So your daughter was making fun of DIL in front of you and I assume you were a receptive audience? Did you encourage her?

Even now, 4 years later, your 28 YO daughter has not even tried to make amends, and you have posted a thread blaming DIL for this.

From the two posts you’ve made I seriously doubt that DIL wants to ruin your relationship with your daughter. What would she, or your DS who is presumably a grown man with his own opinions, have to gain by this? You are the one ruining your relationship with DS and his family.

I realised after id posted id got the age wrong but couldn't edit my post as I was too late too

I'm so curious how this woul have played out if reversed. If DIL or DS had dared to mock DD.

DIL lived with you. You let her play house without giving her the same respect as other members of the family as in you let people mock and belittle her in her own home. And yes a mother in theory always puts her children first, but part of that is teaching them values such as respect, kindness and compassion and respecting that someone isn't wrong to be hurt and has a right to not want to be around someone who hasn't even apologised.