Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Your daughter hasn't apologised?! So you are defending your daughter and expecting your DIL to have this woman in her home when she hasn't even apologised. I really hope you read all these comments and realise how awful you have been.

Well since you have put this in AIBU...yes YABVU.
Your daughter sounds like a 24 year old brat and you failed to encourage her to put it right. You have both reaped 4 years of your unreasonable behaviour and then come on here to justify it. 🤔

Well there are some GPs that you are better off not having in your life.

Op may be one of them!

I'm totally on your son and daughter in laws side. I wouldn't want anything to do with anyone who had mocked me either.

The reality is @worldlyweather I think your son likely feels you chose his sister over him/wife/their future family.

I think you need to repair your relationship with your son & DIL first and foremost. That means seeing your grandchild on their terms. You see your DD clearly when they aren't there. You try to have a good relationship with both, but separately.

Only time will tell if DD and DIL's situation can be repaired but I think picking sides will only add fuel to the flame.

Honestly I'm surprised you haven't told your DD to apologise, 4 years is absolutely nuts! No wonder DIL doesn't want to bother. Your DD has hurt someone's feelings & if she cared truly she would say sorry, whether she meant it deliberately or not. She could have sent flowers & a letter of apology? That may have gone some way to build bridges.

You should be ashamed of your dd, and ashamed of yourself! How dare you blame your DIL for what you've both done.

If you were my Mum or MIL I would never forgive you for missing the most important days of my life. How could you do that to your own son?

It seems you are prepared to die on that hill, so I hope you and your dd will be very happy together.

@worldlyweather
You sound exactly like my aunty (now dead).

She missed out on getting to know 2 of her GC.
She mocked her DIL. Her son told her that's not on. My aunty said DIL was 'being sensitive' and she should get over it. She told her son to pick 'family' or his wfie.
He chose his wife.
My aunty was stubborn for over 15 years and wouldn't apologise, she actually felt she was owed an apology. She never met her GC and now she's dead. Her GC are wonderful and she missed out on it.

OP, you are being pig headed and stupid. Get over yourself and apologise.

Your DS sounds like a supportive DH which is good to hear.

She hasn’t even apologised and you’ve never met your grandchild to show support for your dd?? In how many other ways have you marginalised your son and prioritised your daughter over the years I wonder.

Dd is 28 now, was 24 at the time of mocking. Are you saying it is acceptable behaviour and how do you know DIL is not same age as dd?

All these years neither dd, nor her mother thought it's a good idea to apologise. I am pretty sure MIL is not from generation Z, even she has dragged herself in this conflict by taking dd's side rather than advising her to apologise.

IMO it's not your DIL that has ruined your relationship with your DS it's your ability to only see that your DD didn't do anything wrong.

she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.

And your update proves that, at 24 your DD wasn't a young child, you don't see it as being wrong that your DD took the piss out of your DIL by pretending to be her, you see it as her having a laugh, it's not the point that your DIL wasn't meant to hear it, she did yet you still feel that your DD is the one in all this that should have your support.

Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome

Why hasn't your DD sent an apology via text, e mail or good old fashioned letter...has she even tried?

They have never made any ultimatum

Quite frankly it's good to see that your DS is defending his DW, yet neither of them are excluding you from their lives, that's your choice to do so.

Both of your DC are of an age where they can look out for themselves, you should leave them to get on with it and not take sides.

Bloody hell OP, of course your daughter should have apologise unreservedly.

She was being unkind and unfortunately got caught.

You have also behaved poorly by not spelling this out to your daughter immediately.

Your DIL has every right to her position.

I CBA to read the whole thread, but I’m wondering what YOU were doing while your daughter was mocking your DIL.
Were you saying ”Stop it, DD, that’s not nice” or were you sitting laughing and encouraging? Somehow, I suspect the latter.

Then, after you and your DD behave like horrible bitches - and don’t even bother to apologise afterwards - you blame your DIL for the fallout?
Christ.

Did you read the update? It's dd and Op behaving appallingly. Dd mocking, then never apologising and mother take dd's side and refusing to attend wedding, see grandchild. Even the title is so misleading.

No, I wrote that before she said that DD was mocking DIL and hadn’t even apologised!!! Madness. DD obviously needs to apologise.

This has to be a wind up. Or a reverse.

On the off chance it’s not, OP surely you can see that you have very visibly sided with your DD, who was incredibly rude and didn’t even apologise. If you can’t see that then I wish your DS and DIL every happiness without you and your bitchy DD in their lives.

So does DIL have an accent? If she was 'pretending to be her'.

She also does not need to be face to face to apologise, she can text, ring or even write. She could also go and do this of her own accord considering she is 28 years old. Not a child, and no reason for you to be taking her side in this.

FWIW, you can't be a completely awful parent as you must have raised DS to know right from wrong and to be man enough to stand by his new family. But maybe time to be there for him and not your 'D'D

Literally this exact thing happened in my family. But I told DS (who had been unkind about DD's bf) to apologise and that he'd embarrassed me and all of us by behaving in such an unkind, immature way. He refused and had a strop but I did not let up. I made the point that I didn't care for some of his friends but had made them welcome and eventually he made a sincere and contrite apology. He is very close to BF 5 years on and thoroughly ridicules the silly young man he was.
It is a shame OP but unsurprising. Your DD is in the wrong and always has been here.

Does anyone else thing this is made up. I mean 24 years old and hasn’t apologised and mum has continued to support and it’s the son’s fault! You got to admire the son for the way he is handling this and the DiL as well. Nasty nasty mother and sister, mil/sil.

1. 24 is old enough to know that is shitty behaviour. She should have apologised straight away. If she did not, this speaks volumes about her attitude and personality.
2. Deliberately or not, it is unacceptable.
3. Sneakiness about it does not make it better.
4. Your DiL does not have to put up with this.
5. Son and DiL do not owe your DD anything. Or you. You need to have a good think about the way you have treated them and why on earth you think they would want someone who encourages and condones nasty behaviour in their lives. And who is willing to have this as their hill to die on. Your DD has to face the consequences of her behaviour.
6. Its been going on for 4 years because you have a terrible attitude about it. As does your DD. You are the problem here, not them.

A 20 year old mocks her brother’s girlfriend and you think that’s ok because she did it in her own home… and she’s not even apologised - can see why it’s all gone pearshaped. I think your son and d’n’lsw are extending an olive branch inviting you over - something you really don’t deserve.

So at 24 years of age your adult daughter was a complete and utter cow about her brothers wife, and you wonder why they’ve cut her off? You sound just as unpleasant and enabling as your bully of a daughter. Enjoy your lack of relationship with your son and grandchild.

You and your DD are the only ones in the wrong here. Hopefully all these responses will help you reflect on had badly you have behaved. The fact your son and DIl are still willing to speak to you after you didn't attend their wedding or meet your grandchild is very lucky on your part.

Either this is a major overreaction by your son and wife or your daughter was horribly cruel and nasty.

Either way siblings argue and fall out. My brother is a horror but me and my sister would never make her choose.

I really would say to both of them that your sick of being in the middle and you're adults/sort it yourself. Go see your grandchild.

But personally I wouldn't cut someone off for making a sly remark so it makes me think (as I said before) that it's either a major overreaction or your daughter was very nasty.

How old is she? Playground bully.

Onus of amends was on dd who after mocking at the age of 24, never found a moment to apologise. She is 28 now. Meanwhile OP has refused to attend their wedding, seeing grand child. The oscar of best mother and sister go to OP and her dd, and most misleading thread title award goes to this thread for accusing Dil of ruining her relationship with her dd. In all this, no thoughts towards son.