Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

OP

You neither sound like a loving mother or grandmother. It’s all about a perceived battle with your DIL.

Grow up

You've raised an unkind and uncouth DD. One who not only made someone feel awful by mocking them (doesn’t matter if it was in front of them or not) but also hasn’t bothered her arse apologising.

You’ve stood by and let your DD behave in an appalling manner and then for four years, let her get away with no apology.

You’ve sacrificed seeing your son get married and seeing your only GC for what? Because you’re trying to win a petty battle with the DIL that you don’t think what DD done was that bad?? Batshit

You should steer clear of your DIL, DS and GC. You aren’t cut out for the job and will only cause more upset for them in the future.

You should not be getting involved - your daughter was in the wrong and she NEEDS to apologise to your DIL and her brother

You also need to apologise to your son for taking sides

I think your DD should text DIL and ask her out for a coffee (neutral ground). In the text she should say that she wants to apologise properly for her behaviour and would like to start again.

How is your DIL ruining your relationship with your daughter?

Your daughter was caught out being a bitch & hasn't apologised.

Maybe your son doesn't care either way about his sister.

No words to describe what you have done.

Why your son & DIL still want to see you I have no idea.

I think cutting your DD off for giving her opinion on someone behind what she assumed was closed doors is overdramatic to be honest.

She should have apologised, yes, but the way some posters are carrying on you would assume a bad word never passed their lips!

You’ve picked golden child.
You have chosen to ignore the upset that your DD has caused, and doubled down by avoiding your sons wedding and also not meeting your grandchild with the ultimatum that they HAVE to include your DD. And you have behaved like this for 4 years.

You won’t see them again. You’ve missed milestones. Your grandchild won’t have a clue who either of you are. Their lives will have moved on and they can see you and your DD for the toxic pair that you are. I’m willing to bet this a tip of a huge iceberg in how you have brought your children up.

You and your DD made your bed …….

Your title doesn’t make sense.

DIL hasn’t done anything where as your daughter has ruined your relationship with your son and his family.

If you were neutral then you’d see daughter and son separately and told daughter to apologise 4 years ago. Did you hear the mocking ? Do you think that you encouraged the mocking by generally being bitchy when you’re with your daughter? I can’t believe that you think daughter being in your house is a good excuse. Your daughter is a mean girl and as her mother you should have told her off for being a bully and stood up for the bullied daughter in law.

You’ve excluded yourself when you could see your son and his family today.

"I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister"

This phrase is quite telling.

You're framed as a problem for your son to solve - not your daughter. But the issues originated from her behaviour AND her failure to swiftly apologise and take responsibility for the hurt caused.

Do I take it neither you or your husband have met your grandchild - you mention "we" in your posts.
What a terrible mistake you've both made.

You refused to go to your son's wedding because your daughter was nasty and got caught, I would not want anything to do with you either I'm afraid.

Your title is misleading. Your dil is not trying to ruin anything. You and your daughter are to blame entirely.

Your daughter should have apologised straightaway and you should have backed your dil up.

She has jad 4 years to do so!

You missed your sons wedding, have not seen your own grandchild and you only have yourself to blame

But the DD has failed to apologise.
For four long years.

I’d not forgive my mother if she failed to attend my wedding and refused to meet my child because I had fallen out with a sibling. You need to be neutral in this. You have take your daughters side (sounds like your daughter was a dick) and that’s unforgivable. This is not your mess.

IMO you are all wrong in this situation. Your ADULT daughter was mocking (like a 12 year old mean girl would do) her SIL (or soon to be) AND she hasn't apologized for it? Your daughter is the person who is ruining your relationship with your son and causing you not to see your grandchild. You need to admit that what she did was wrong and she needs to put on her big girl panties and apologize via a handwritten note, a phone call or a carrier pigeon. I know you are probably closer to your daughter than you are to your son, but you picked the wrong side in this one.

Perfect advice but I doubt DD thinks she's done anything wrong.

"I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister"

This phrase is quite telling.

Isn't it just?

You’re not being a grandmother to your first grandchild because your daughter can’t tag along with you?!?

In the nicest possible way, please PLEASE look at your grandchild as an individual. Are you prepared for them to know (10, 20 years from now) that you would not meet them or be there for them unless their aunt was included? I say this kindly, but they will likely be aware you love your daughter more than them and it will be a big blemish knowing it’s a ‘conditional love’ rather than unconditional.

Why is your daughter so devastated Op?

She doesn't like her SIL, doesn't respect her brother enough to not be nasty about his choice of then GF.

Why does she want a relationship with people she has shown such little regard for?

Also you say how can you see your daughter being excluded by her own family? Look at this sentence and see what you are doing to your son and dil.

I can't believe you have missed out of your grandchild's life because of your daughter's actions, and you are putting the responsibility of fixing this up on your son.

Your son is never going to forgive you for this.

Your DD needs to grow up and apologise.

Why are you defending your DD and taking her side for her poor behaviour?
Both of you need to apologise to your DIL; your DD for her appalling behaviour (being made fun of is soul destroying) and you for being immature and taking your DD's side.

The only decent person sounds like your DS for standing by his wife.

FFS OP - grow up. Own your abysmal behaviour.

If your daughter is heartbroken why hasn't she apologized? I get they haven't met in person but surely she could have sent a letter or email? How they react to the apology is out of her hands. They are adults, I would see them separately.

Oh come on, OP. That isn't good enough. She was very unkind and was caught out. She needs to say sorry properly and she can send a letter if there are no other options. Your daughter's behaved really badly and you've encouraged her in this. If it had been your DiL taking the piss out of your daughter, would you have felt the same way?

You could just go and see your son and grandson without your daughter. Unfortunately siblings can become estranged, you don't need to choose one or the other you can see them both separately. If I was your son I'd feel like you were choosing your daughter. This is their argument, and by refusing not to see them whilst they can't settle their differences you are appearing to take sides with your daughter. You are putting her feelings first.

It does seem like an overreaction but his wife is probably using it to justify why her family gets priority which is why no resolution is forthcoming. I imagine she’s badmouthing you all and because you’re not there there’s nothing for your ds to argue against.

In this situation cooler impartial heads are needed and that should have been you. But it’s probably too late now as you missed his wedding and now it seems dgs first year. Nothing you do or say will convince him you care about him.

What you do next depends on how you want to proceed.

You could do nothing, leave it all to him, and just have a do-over with your dd when she decides to raise a family. Your dd having kids may prod your ds to try and make amends.

Or you could go and see him, apologise for taking sides, and see your dgs. Just bear in mind that you might not be able to have the kind of relationship you want with him.

YOU have decided that you won’t see them while your daughter isn’t welcome. You have made that choice. I think it’s the wrong choice but it’s yours to make.

I’d rather be involved in the lives of both my children irrespective of their differences, which as adults, it’s not your responsibility to police. However as control is more important to you or you propitiating your DD at the cost of your relationship with your son then you need to stop blaming other people and misrepresenting the situation. You have not been cut off by your DIL, you have cut yourself off and your son is as much behind the estrangement with his sister as his wife is. It wasn’t one incident was it? It might have been the last straw but you admit your daughter “didn’t take to her at first”. I can’t imagine your DIL was unaware.