Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Your dd was completely out of order. I thought you were going to say she was an immature 16 year old which could possibly have been overlooked. But she was a 24 year old woman. She should've apologised straight away.

You should've stayed out of the argument and not stuck up for your dd. You have stuck to your guns and are now in a position where you didn't attend their wedding (unforgivable in these circumstances) and now don't have a relationship with your grandchildren.

It sounds like you and your dd are equally as stubborn.

Ah, you're one of those mothers.

You are joking, I presume.

She showed her true colours to your son’s partner - an unkind pisstaking bitch, honestly - and hasn’t even apologised. You son is protecting his partner and you should as his mother be proud of that.

But you boycotted HIS wedding.

I cannot imagine how hurtful it was to your son when you chose not to go to his wedding. Can you genuinely not see what a big deal that was.

and that you won’t see your own grandchild. Your children’s fallout is theirs to deal with (I think you’ve had enough comments on the cause of it). But you’ve literally taken your daughter side throughout without a care for your poor son.

Your thread title is inaccurate and hyperbolic. Your DIL is hardly trying to ruin your relationship with your daughter. Get some common sense.

Of course it was her fault. At 24, she should know not to be nasty and she should apologise and buy your DIL a big present for upsetting her.

Your daughter does not sound very nice.

I do not think the OP is coming back.

I think the issue is that it sounds as though the OP has minimised how upsetting the incident was for her DIL. The OP admits her daughter "mocked" her but describes this as "perhaps unkind". There's no "perhaps" about it.

Frankly, I've seen MNers advise cutting all contact with in-laws over far less than this!

I don’t disagree. But it takes both sides to resolve an issue, and neither is budging

Your DIL has the proverbial MN MIL. Luckily her DH appears to have her back here and they have put appropriate boundaries in place to protect themselves. Good on them.

I assumed from the OP that this was a teenager behaving badly, not a 24 year old woman who should know better. She should be utterly mortified that her SIL heard her mocking her like that. A sincere apology should have been promptly offered, no ifs, no buts, no maybes.

You have them compounded things over the years by consistently taking DD's side, consistently pushing DS and his wife out, in favour of her.

Your daughter was rude/mean and has never apologised. This caused a falling out between your son and your daughter.

As a mother you should never have chosen sides. You should have helped them to repair the rift. You should have encouraged your daughter to apologise and to make amends.

You chose the side of your daughter. The one who was in the wrong! You chose to back your daughter over your son when the initial upset happened. On your son’s wedding day you again chose your daughter over your son. And on the birth of your Grandchild you decided to again chose to take your daughter’s side over your son and your Grandchild.

If I was the son/dil/grandchild then I would cut you off. You have on three occasions shown them that you love the daughter more than you do the son.

What is it that you want? You say you aren't going to back down on your choice not to see them as long as they refuse to see or speak to your DD. It seems they aren't going to back down on their choice either. You can't control them or their choices, only your own. So if you aren't going to change your choice then you have to just get used to the fact you won't have your son in your life and will have a grandchild you don't know 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you don't want this situation you need to understand that they hold the cards here.

From your update it sounds like you have firmly chosen sides by refusing to accept your DD was wrong, not encouraging her to apologise and not accepting that your DD mocking your DIL is hurtful.

Not attending their wedding because your DD was not invited is also you drawing a line in the sand.

I can see why you now don’t see your DGS. This is entirely the consequences of your own actions.

You and your DD are entirely at fault here.

My advice still stands. The fact she didn't intend for DiL to hear it is absolutely irrelevant.

She should write a letter of apology. You should apologise, too. It might not be a enough, but that's not the point. She will definitely continue not to be welcome until she apologises, for sure.

It would also be helpful to know what the nature of her insults were. Some might be unforgiveable.

Your title is SO misleading!!

Your daughter was really unkind and hasn’t apologized and is shocked that she’s not welcome in the home of the woman she mocked. I’m guessing by this reaction that the incident you mention where DIL heard daughter mocking her wasn’t the only incident. Why should DIL spend time with someone who acted like a bully towards her and didn’t even bother to apologize? Sounds like she’s made no effort - she could text, email, write a letter - there’s no excuse not to apologize.

Your DIL has put in place boundaries that she is comfortable with. If my SIL was so unpleasant to me, I’d not want to see her either and I’d not want her playing happy families with my baby when she was so unkind to me and clearly didn’t like me?

Youve made the decision to take sides. The mature thing would be to not get involved. Sounds like you’re only make the problem bigger and adding new tension to an already tense situation by refusing to see your own grandchild unless your SIL does what you say?!

The fact OP's not told us what was said (unless I've missed it) makes me think it's absolutely obvious it's not forgivable. I feel sorry for the DiL but glad her husband is backing her.

Your daughter was being nasty and didn't even apologise! People usually apologise if someone was upset even if they haven't done anything wrong so the fact your daughter hasn't really shows her character.

You can have separate relationships with adult children and the fact you didn't attend their wedding and ignored your grandchild massively shows your favouritism. I'm amazed your son still speaks to you. I wouldn't.

Let's hope your DIL isn't in MN as your title would take quite a bit of forgiving as well as what your DD has done .

Has your DD never thought of apologising ? After all, she created the problem , can you not see that ??

Your DD is a grown up that should have apologised. And don't understand why you're even getting involved. God on your son for having his wife back

Unless both you and your DD offer a profound apology to both DS and DiL for your behaviours I don't see why they should want to mend the relationship. You've consistently chosen your DD over your DS and are now reaping what you've sown in not being considered by them to be part of their new family.

Your daughter took no responsibility and did not apologize. She is an adult who should be able to apologize and move on. You are minimising your daughter's impact on your DIL. Your daughter's behaviour has impacted your relationship with your son and his wife which is understandable. Are you afraid of the backlash from her or that she would threaten a consequence if you spend time with your son and his family? Quell that behaviour from her by going and seeing your son, wife and little child.

I am quite a forgiving person by nature, also always willing to apologise when I am wrong.

If I were your son I wouldn't have anything else to do with either of you.

4 years!!! I am stunned that you didn't go to your own son's wedding and have missed out of so much because of your nasty adult daughter.

Honestly, missing my wedding, not being part of the joy of pregnancy and birth of first GC.... I wouldn't forgive you.

Yes, and even before the update many people asked

So does DIL have an accent? If she was 'pretending to be her'.

or similar, meaning does it have to do with the DIL's ethnicity or background, and the OP chose not to answer. Interesting.

Your DIL is not ruining your relationship with your daughter, your daughter is ruining your relationship with your DIL and son

You are picking your daughter over your son and grandchild. Plain and simple.
Your dil isn't trying to ruin your relationship with your daughter but you are ruining your relationship with your son and grandchild.
Cop on to yourself, get yourself around to your son, apologize for not being there for him and hope he forgives you because if you were my mother I wouldn't be inviting you to my house after making it perfectly clear your daughter is more important then him by not going to his wedding.
What kind of a mother are you?
You have 2 children not 1.
I admire your dil for going no contact with your daughter she sounds vile and by the so do you.
Call yourself a mother, you should be ashamed of yourself.