Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Of course she’s had the chance to apologise. From immediately saying “Oh shit I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it in that way”, to texting, picking up the phone, sending a card or anything at all during the last 4 years.

I still don’t agree that it can’t mean families can’t be civil even if they think your daughter’s an arse.

Your 24 year old daughter, more than old enough to know better, was a bully, and you think that she doesn't even owe DIL an apology and she should be able to go around making fun of people as long as she thought it was behind their backs.

This situation is entirely YOU. They've made a decision not to interact with a bully who hasn't even apologised.

You could have told DD that her behaviour wasn't acceptable and she needed to find a way to put it right.
You could have "sat on the fence" and stayed out of the argument by accepting that your son and DIL don't want to be in touch with DD.

But you did neither of those things. You chose to take the part of DD and cut off your grandchild, son and DIL. Did you think that emotional blackmail would force them to get back in touch with someone they don't want to be in touch with?

You seem unbearable.

Her loyalties lie with both her children. She should make clear to both parties that she isn't picking sides. Any refusal to do this will result in even further resentment. She doesn't need to get involved. It's not her responsibility to fix this. They're adults. In refusing to see past this enough to go to her own son's wedding and see her grandchild she's making it very clear that she loves dd more.

Oh wow, i thought you were going to say she was a teenager or something (still not ok to make fun of people but more forgiveable...) but a 24 year old?? Unbelievable you are siding with her and missing out on your son and GC to defend your daughter who has not only been extremely mean and rude, but who hasn't bothered to apologise.

My mum was once verbalising annoyance about some things my sibling had done only to realise that she’d pocket dialled them and my sibling heard it all in a voicemail on their phone. As soon as my mum realised what she’d done she burst into tears as her intent wasn’t for sibling to hear those things or upset them and she was completely mortified. My mum did a grovelling apology almost immediately and after a day or so of ignoring her my sibling accepted it and we all laugh about it now a few years on. That is because accountability was taken and an apology offered which displayed remorse over causing upset to the other person.

It really can be that simple when things are dealt with promptly and adequately. Letting it drag on for 4 years means it is probably beyond repair.

"how can I see my daughter excluded by from her own family?"
So you'd rather exclude your son and your grandchild from your family? This is borderline abusive - you are effectively saying to your son: "Unless your wife and you socialise with DD, I will exclude you and yours from my life".

I would take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you are making this all about yourself. You are withholding love from your son and grandchild as punishment. And, as the title of your post shows, you believe that your DIL is actively trying to ruin your relationship with your own DD.

Sorry, but you are making this situation a million times worse with your (re)actions.

I don’t think there’s any point in getting your daughter to apologise- it’d be an empty apology after so long. And if I were your son, I’d struggle to forgive you for missing my wedding and getting to know my child because you’d decided to side with the nasty, bitchy sister.

FFS

This

I’m actually quite surprised that your DS and presumably DIL actually invite you to anything.

In case you assume you’re being criticised by mostly younger women, I’m 57 with a DS24 who has a partner. If my DS16 mocked his older brother’s girlfriend I would give him the bollocking of his life. You should immediately have told your DD off and told her to apologise.

I haven't read the full thread so this might have been mentioned already, but I find it very telling that your thread title tries to pin the blame on DIL and not DS, despite them being united on this issue. Really it's you and your DD who are to blame.

So your adult daughter hasn't bothered to apologise for mocking her SIL and has stood by and allowed you to lose your relationship with your son and grandson?

What a charmer she is.

You are so, so lucky that you have been given another chance by your DS and DIL after you have treated them so badly. Do not squander what could be the last chance to have a relationship with them and your grandchild.

I don't know why you are being so defensive of your DD. Even if she had apologised (which she could have done in 4 years) some types of mockery are beyond forgiveness, if your D was racist for example, why would your DIL want a racist person around her family at her wedding or anywhere near her child? If that were the case you need to keep separate relationships with each of your children.

Also your DD was mocking your SIL to you? So you were listening, encouraging and enjoying the mocking?

You're lucky your SIL hasn't put her foot down with your DS and blocked you from any invitations to see your grandson.

You and your daughter are in the wrong. What a shame you are prepared to lose out on your grandson.

Surely this must be a reverse...

I think the title of the thread says it all as well. She really doesn't care about the impact that this is having on her son/dil/grandchild. She is only concerned that they're going to make things difficult between her and her bitchy precious dd. She is never going to repair the damage done because by the sounds of it ds and his family can see right through her and dd

How do you know it was “something relatively minor”? OP has not elaborated.

I can't get over the generosity of spirit your son and DIL have shown towards you, given the mocking your DD did was TO YOU! You sat there while your daughter slagged her brother's girlfriend off and yet they were still prepared to allow you to the wedding and to be a part of your grandkid's life.
I really hope you're taking on what literally everyone here is saying. There might just be time for you to fix things with your son and DIL, if you can see things clearly.
Your DIL has done nothing wrong here other than rightly not wanting someone who hates her at her wedding.
Your son has shown admirable support for his wife, while managing to separate his issues with his sister from his relationship with you.
Your daughter chose not to apologise at the time and has chosen not to apologise for 4 years, despite presumably seeing it is upsetting you.
And you have chosen to take sides with your rude daughter, when taking sides was never necessary.

No fucking way, you can’t be serious???

So you haven’t met your grandchild and didn’t go to your son’s wedding because your daughter was rude about someone and didn’t apologise. It doesn’t matter whether she intended for the person to hear or not. Your son’s, now wife, heard and was obviously offended.

24 isn’t exactly 14 is it?! Why wouldn’t your daughter find a way to apologise whether they got on or not? Now you’re on the internet showing your arse. Quite awful of you to not even meet your grandchild because your daughter is in the wrong. Imagine how your son must feel in all of this

Haha saw this 2 seconds after making exactly the same point. Great minds think alike

Haha yep you know it😉

Your then 20 year old daughter was mean about her brothers now wife and your wondering why she's been cut off when she hasn't apologised? And your playing the victim despite her making no effort to apologise? You chose not to go to the wedding and you have chose not to see your grandchild. Brother just doesn't want his sister there which is an understandable thing given she mocked his wife

What was she mocking her about
was it her race weight / dress size the way she speaks

either way your daughter sounds like s right stupid and nasty person who has only just realised that actions have consequences

She needs to apologise.