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Original poster

Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

1000 replies

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 11:33

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/09/2024 13:23

Your DD should apologise.

Hecatoncheires · 09/09/2024 13:23

@worldlyweather Oh, dear. Neither you nor your daughter come out of this well. A 24-year old has no business mocking her brother's partner, and you are very wrong to say that your DIL shouldn't take offence because she wasn't meant to hear it. You should have shut that down immediately. And when you realised that your DIL had heard the unpleasantness you should have encouraged your DD immediately to make amends in a sincere fashion. Your DIL is not ruining anything here. Your DD's and your own actions are what have done the damage. Surely you can see that? If you cannot then your DIL is doing exactly the right thing in keeping her distance, and your son is correct to support his wife.

PorridgeEater · 09/09/2024 13:25

This is not "Dil trying to ruin the relationship with dd" - it's about the OP letting this ruin the relationship with her son. DiL may have been very hurt by dd's behaviour and you can't blame her, especially since dd has not apologised. The best thing OP can do now is to try to build bridges with her son - one hopes dd will be mature enough to see this and will not object.

Youcantcallacatspider · 09/09/2024 13:25

ScribblingPixie · 09/09/2024 13:20

I think you should explain to your DD how excruciating this is for you and ask to her to write a very sincere apology to her SIL. You have been extremely loyal to her and I think this is the something she should do for you, if not for herself. If she won't, then I think you should definitely give yourself permission to get to know your grandchild. If she does and the apology is rejected, then it's more difficult, but at least you're communicating about it. That is the only way forward that I can see.

Edited

She doesn't even need to do this. She just needs to get her head out of her dd's arse long enough to tell her very plainly that she reaps what she sews and concentrate on maintaining her own relationship with her son. She won't though. I'm literally living this family dynamic. The daughter is the golden child and the only one who the parents care about. Worse still the parents probably try to reenforce the idea that everyone should be treading on eggshells around dd and licking her arse and calling it ice cream as much as they do. It will probably never change whatever anyone says. Good for dil for sticking up for herself

outofbattery · 09/09/2024 13:25

We have a saying in our house 'the intention can be one thing and the results another'. Regardless of whether she intended to say it in earshot or not, it happened, and when it happens you make it right.

My dad tripped over once and landed square on top of me. I was only a kid and had to go to hospital. It wasn't intentional, total accident, he just fell over and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Did he apologise and show remorse? Yes he bloody well did because he hurt me and felt bad because of it!

Moveoverdarlin · 09/09/2024 13:26

Your daughter needs to sort this. She has to ring her brother and arrange a time to go around and sort this and profusely apologise. She’s the only one that can fix it really. She needs to do this for your sake and they need to forgive her for your sake.

whynotwhatknot · 09/09/2024 13:26

your dd was/is an adults i thougt youwere going to say this was years ago as a child

you an see your gc alone -siblings have rows and ont talk its nothing to do with you

Strictlymad · 09/09/2024 13:27

Your dd needs to sincerely apologise, a letter is probably best. You have taken the side of someone in the wrong, who has not apologised and chosen not to go to the wedding, chosen not to see your grandchild. This is not your son cutting you off, this is your son choosing not to see his sister who has been unkind and not apologised, and you have chosen her side. Saying it’s not her house dd should be able to be unkind and do what she likes isn’t really fair

Treeinthesky · 09/09/2024 13:27

So you pick your dd.
You should have at the time told her to stop and that it was mean etc etc. She should then have apologised. What your missing here is what happened after she heard them and how long before they moved out. What happened in between.

Anele22 · 09/09/2024 13:28

You are being unreasonable. Appalling not to go to your own son’s wedding.

LamasPyjama · 09/09/2024 13:28

I don't think there's any coming back from this now. I can't see any relationship happening between the two sides.

It happened four years ago and you are still backing your dd like she was an infant whose chip was swiped by a seagull on a pier.

LadyDanburysHat · 09/09/2024 13:29

An honest thread title for you.

I sided with my golden child DD who is in the wrong and now I have no relationship with my DS and haven't me my DGC.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/09/2024 13:29

@worldlyweather Re-reading your posts I am actually astonished that you refused to go to your own son's wedding and have not met your grandchild because you are standing by your daughter when your daughter is the one who is in the wrong and she has refused to apologise. She can't be that devastated by this situation if she hasn't gone and told her brother and SIL how sorry she is for what she said.

Your poor son. I bet he's spent his entire life playing second fiddle to your daughter and he's had enough.

Maray1967 · 09/09/2024 13:29

I agree that your son is in the right. Your DD should have apologised immediately- she was very rude and hurtful. I would be very upset and embarrassed - humiliated probably- if SIL mocked me at my PIL.

You are very much in the wrong here. Your DD has not even apologised and seems to expect it to be all forgotten or ignored - as though she was a silly child. She is an adult who behaved badly.

MrsAveragePants · 09/09/2024 13:31

Your poor dil had to see the people she was living with make fun of her, then never apologise and your poor son didn’t have his mother at his wedding because she chose her daughter (who was cruel and in the wrong!) over him?!

Why are you minimising what your daughter did? She was 24 and behaving like a cruel teenager. You’ve chosen her over your son and first grandchild. Why?

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 13:31

Youcantcallacatspider · 09/09/2024 13:25

She doesn't even need to do this. She just needs to get her head out of her dd's arse long enough to tell her very plainly that she reaps what she sews and concentrate on maintaining her own relationship with her son. She won't though. I'm literally living this family dynamic. The daughter is the golden child and the only one who the parents care about. Worse still the parents probably try to reenforce the idea that everyone should be treading on eggshells around dd and licking her arse and calling it ice cream as much as they do. It will probably never change whatever anyone says. Good for dil for sticking up for herself

Edited
Show quote history

She definitely won't. I'd bet anything that she and the DD are in a co-narcissistic relationship where the DD won't let her mum have anything to do with the brother if it means she has to apologise to him/the DIL. And she obviously isn't ever going to do that.

It's an interesting insight into how the mind of a narcissist works though.

Livingtothefull · 09/09/2024 13:32

Sorry OP but you are the kind of MIL several people complain about on this site. And if your DD were as heartbroken and devastated as you say she is, she would be doing everything she could to put this right, starting with a heartfelt apology to your DIL. Had she done this at the start it might never have escalated the way it did.

But then you chose not to attend your DS's wedding (I would find it hard to forgive this btw if I were your DS or DIL). And then you have the breathtaking audacity to blame your DIL....your thread title sets my teeth on edge. I am very glad your DS is sticking by his DW the way a husband should. You should be proud of your DS; your daughter (based on this thread alone)......not so much.

You owe your son/DIL a grovelling apology before you can start to repair this damage. If it is even possible; don't be surprised if one day they decide they have had enough and cut you off. Then you will have lost them and your GC for good.

AngryBird6122 · 09/09/2024 13:32

Your daughter needs to apologise as a first move...

ScribblingPixie · 09/09/2024 13:32

Youcantcallacatspider · 09/09/2024 13:25

She doesn't even need to do this. She just needs to get her head out of her dd's arse long enough to tell her very plainly that she reaps what she sews and concentrate on maintaining her own relationship with her son. She won't though. I'm literally living this family dynamic. The daughter is the golden child and the only one who the parents care about. Worse still the parents probably try to reenforce the idea that everyone should be treading on eggshells around dd and licking her arse and calling it ice cream as much as they do. It will probably never change whatever anyone says. Good for dil for sticking up for herself

Edited
Show quote history

No, I think she does if her aim is that her two children should be on speaking terms again and be at family gatherings together.

mummytrex · 09/09/2024 13:32

I'm not surprised DIL has cut your daughter off. Sounds like she was mocking her and by your own admission hasn't even attempted to apologise.

Despite being cut off she could have tried to apologise and smooth things over, even if it meant sending a letter to try and open up communication.

Given the excuses you're made for her (it was in your house so she had free reign to say what she wants, she was only 24 etc) sounds like you've come across as condoning her nasty behaviour. Reading between the lines it comes across that neither of you like DIL.

Regardless, it has been your choice to cut yourself off from your son and grandchild. This is on your daughter, not DIL.

notmoredirtywashing · 09/09/2024 13:33

Just my two pence worth:
Your poor son! I bet he's really hurt by your actions as much as your daughters. He's been cut out from his family because of this and he's done the right thing by sticking up for his wife.

You probably won't come back to this thread, but I can't believe you could be so callous to your own child.

He's got his own family now, thank god. If he were my son I'd be really proud of him.

lastgreat · 09/09/2024 13:34

I'd love to hear from the son in this

NameChangeAgainto · 09/09/2024 13:35

Update made it worse. I would leave it, your son is better off without the pair of you

Sirzy · 09/09/2024 13:35

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 12:13

Dd was 24 at the time 4 years ago, 4 years this has been going on!
Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.
It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.
Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

Your daughter was bang out of order. Your defence of her is out of order. I feel sorry for your son in all of this.

mummytrex · 09/09/2024 13:36

I would add that if you genuinely have no issue with your dil, then your unwavering support of your daughter's nasty behaviour despite her complete lack of remorse or apology is baffling. In your son's position, I wouldn't forgive you choosing to refuse to attend my wedding or meet my child. And so it comes back to you and your daughter damaging the relationships as a result of choices you've made.

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