Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Tbh I am on you and your daughter’s side hear. DIL deliberately breaking up a family because she can’t get over something relatively minor. Can’t wait till she has kids and their son is taken away from her because his new wife has taken offence over something.

And the DD has arrived on the thread, everyone!

What exactly did you do/say @olivehater ? Your mum is too embarrassed to tell us.

I am speechless that OP is blaming her son, expecting him to apologise and put this right! It's batshit!

Your thread title says it all, and the drip feed confirms it. Making your DIL the wicked adversary while you stand by your poor, misunderstood DD.

The same DD who obviously dislikes DIL, was caught openly mocking her and has refused to apologise because she was ‘in her own home and didn’t know she’d be overheard’ - as if that excuses hurting another family member’s feelings and not giving a shit! And instead of hauling her up on it, as you should have done, you’re busy defending her!

Your DIL is simply asserting an understandable boundary by not allowing someone who actively dislikes her into her home. She’s been waiting 4 long years for a simple apology, but your DD sounds like a spoiled child who’s not used to having to account for her twatty behaviour and expects everyone else to just brush it under the rug, just like you do - and as a PP said, this incident feels like just the tip of the iceberg. Good for your DIL for drawing a line.

She’s not trying to ‘ruin’ your relationship with anyone - but you’ll ruin your relationship with her, your son and your grandchild if you continue to take sides and enable your DD’s petulance. She’s 28, not 12, and her relationships with her family are hers to nurture or destroy. Allowing her to also dictate the terms of your family relationships is ridiculous and demonstrates the extent to which you fall in with her demands and enable her behaviour.

Your DD needs to apologise! And the excuse of "hasn't been given a chance" is absolute bullshit! She's had 4 years!

She could have text your DIL, your son, even written a letter!

And the fact you say it wasn't deliberate makes this even worse, have you honestly never once said to your dd that she fucked up and she needs to make it right??

You're as bad as your DD!

Your son and Dil are offering you the chance to mend bridges with them, see your grandchild and build that relationship. That is more than many would do considering your behaviour in the past.

The fact is you clearly think, STILL think, your dd was not at fault in being the catalyst that fractured your family. Until your dd makes the effort to apologise and try to make amends then you refusing to visit without her is simply confirming to your son and his wife that you think what she said was fine.

DIL deliberately breaking up a family because she can’t get over something relatively minor

Ah, I take it you were there, @olivehater as you seem to know what was said.

Can you enlighten us?

@worldlyweather You'd do well to listen and take on board the crowd-sourced wisdom that you asked for. It's up your DD to make the first move.

She was 24!!!! I'm on DIL's side here. You have yourself to blame.

You’re kidding, right?

What exactly did your daughter say?

DD, a grown woman then and now, should apologise immediately. Unless there is a backstory that DIL has been a complete nightmare and bitch about something prior, then she needs to apologise because she and you are the ones keeping this family apart

I think in the circumstances you don’t wait to be given a chance to apologise, you find one, text, letter, meet for coffee, and you mean it! If you had given this message to your daughter then and she had followed through the last four years might have been very different but as it is splits have been created and entrenched with you stuck firmly on one side and half your family on the other. You say your daughter made these comments in front of her parents. What is your husband’s take on this, did he go to the wedding?
You describe your DIL as trying to spoil your relationship with your daughter. Is your daughter encouraging you not to go if she isn’t included?
I would appreciate that your son is giving you another chance and grab it with both hands.

I don't think your dil should cut off because a few years ago a young person was rude. It shows the loss of sense of humour in general z

I think you've done the right thing. I think you should send a message saying your dd has grown up a lot now and wouldn't behave like that again. You both woul love to have a chance to make amends

Also agree this is a growing problem of high rents forcing people to stay at home

You’ve got to be the daughter 😂

Wow on the update. If this is real then you are an arsehole and the entire situation is of your own choosing. You and your daughter are toxic, I bet your son is glad to be rid of you

This is pointless until you explain IN DETAIL what the mockery was and the history of it. Was she doing an impression of her voice/accent? Insulting her personality? She needs to apologise regardless. Of course it’s her fault she got caught being an arsehole and she should have been ashamed and apologised straight away.

I feel really sorry for your son, DIL and grandson.

It's easy to see why DD has a lack of insight and accountability into her behaviour, given your behaviour and attitude.

But this is truly an epic occasion of cutting off your respective noses to spite your faces. Neither one of you can figure out why it might be that you and your daughter should make a choice to take the action to say a genuine apology? In four bloody years, you still think this is a sensible course of action?

I can certainly see why your son and dil are in absolutely no hurry whatsoever to regain you as a presence in their lives.

If I were the DiL I would much prefer it if you and your horrible DD stayed away

I wouldn't want apologies and I wouldn't want anything to do with either of you

And it would be a cold day in hell before you saw my children

Your daughter is "devastated" - no, she isn’t, because she obviously doesn’t care enough about the damage she has caused in the family to do her best to try to put things right, by apologising.

You have chosen to miss your own son's wedding and not to see your grandson? Because your son and DIL rightly resented his sister's unpleasant behaviour and she has never apologised and you have backed her up? And you expected us to feel sorry for you?

Unless your DD is a totally spoilt nasty piece of work, you telling her that she needs to apologise will not "ruin your relationship" with her. And you are trying to blame DIL for all this! You sound like the MIL from hell.

Ah.
And here we have the DD's best friend....................

Your poor son and DIL

as (many) others have said, your daughter can clearly do no wrong and despite being a complete horror to your DIL (impersonating her other not bending over backwards to apologise)

i also cannot fathom how you could choose to ignore your grandchild and defend a petulant and horrible daughter.

your son and DIL are best without you and your toxic family dynamic.

Are you always opposite to everyone else?

OP, I think you probably feel like you need to protect your DD and feel caught in the middle, which is hard. But it sounds like your DD was rude and mean and should have apologised at the time, or as soon as she found out your DIL had overheard her. If DIL didn't wish to see DD, your DD could have written her a card saying she had behaved childishly, she was sorry and asking to develop a better relationship with your DIL.

And no, it makes no difference that your DD was rude to your DIL in your home. It says a lot about your attitude that you didn't step in at the time and say that even if she didn't like DIL, she was her brother's choice and your DD should therefore be polite and treat her with respect. Would you let her be rude to other guests in your home?

You then made matters significantly worse by refusing to go to your own son's wedding. In addition to this, you have made it into a 'my way or the highway' situation by refusing your son's offer for you to visit and meet your grandchild if you can't bring your DD with you. Unless she has some special caring needs you haven't mentioned, your DD is an adult and doesn't need to be glued to you at the hip. You can choose to visit people without her.

If I were you, I would be apologising to your son and DIL for letting things get to this point and asking if you can start over (without your DD's involvement). I would also, separately, be speaking to your DD about what she may be able to do to try to make amends.