Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Based upon the OP's info, I'm team DIL/DS all the way.

It's not just the DD who needs to apologise. She was mocking her SIL but the OP was sat there laughing at it too.

Your DIL is doing no such thing 🙄

Your adult dd 'didn't take' to her brothers girlfriend and there was an 'incident' that, going by your minimisation/condoning of whatever it was, was clearly very unkind. You don't think your dd needs to apologise and, in 4 years, she hasn't. I wouldn't want her around either 🤷‍♀️

You've made the choice to not see your grandchild after siding with your dd but are complaining about it. If you want to blame anyone, why not your 24yr old dd. The two of you sound like quite the team

The spoilt madam of a daughter is the one who's broken up the family.

Also, the DIL already has a child.

Your poor son. I feel really sorry for him, it is clear that your dd is the golden child and he has probably known that for a long time, before this all happened.
I can’t believed you chose not to go to their wedding or meet your grandchild, Awful.

DD isn’t gen Z she’s a Millenial (28) and old enough to know not to be so nasty.

Given that OP refuses to admit the exact nature of this nastiness, I am inclined to believe it was very personal, possibly racist or disablist in tone. But yeah, DIL doesn’t need an apology, she just needs a better sense of humour 🙄

Good on DIL and your son for having backbone and standing up to bullying. Your response makes it clear that you don’t seem to think your daughter has done any wrong. I think any rationale person can see what’s happening here and would recognise that DD won’t be forgiven when she’s not even apologised and with your attitude you should be grateful your still welcomed rather than NC too! Your daughter is an adult let her sort out her own issues, if you want to have a relationship with your son and grandchild you should be trying to rebuild that bridge too and making amends for your poor behaviour (downplaying what happened, missing wedding). You’d do well to try to build a genuine relationship with your DD, remember if you’re not nice your son will take his wife’s side.

So DIL should...what? Ignore the fact she didn't get an apology from a bratty, unpleasant 24 year old who clearly felt comfortable enough insulting her to do it to her parents? Ignore the fact that her MIL thinks it's appropriate behaviour and chose to support her in-the-wrong DD over her DS whose wife was insulted? Just smile and endure people that are now members of her family thinking it's totally fine to insult her behind her back? Why would DIL want to spend any time with people like that?

DIL isn't required to spend any time with them. DS is (refreshingly, for MN) defending his wife rather than his birth family. Something very easy can be done to fix this situation, but it's OP and her DD that need to do it, because their actions precipitated it.

Wow your choice of thread title really says everything. I can’t believe from that amount of corkscrewing that you haven’t disappeared up your own backside!

How about - ‘My rude DD has ruined the relationship between me and my son and dil’?

You should have roasted your DD as soon as this happened. How the hell do you think your DIL felt to hear a TWENTY FOUR year old woman acting like that? Firstly, pretty shit, realising that her sister in law clearly disliked her and that her mother in law clearly had no problem with hearing it too so presumably felt the same way - don’t forget that, it’s not just what your DD said, but that she felt she could mock DIL to you and expect a laugh - what a pair of bitches you sound.

Secondly - what an absolute twat your DD sounds. She’s 24! The only excuse for that kind of nasty nonsense is if she was a teenager or something… honestly I would think that your DIL’s next thought would have been -fuck them. If that’s the family dynamic I’ve let myself in for, no way do I want my baby around that toxic shit. And she’d be right. Presumably she’s said this to her husband and he’s agreed with her. And he’d be right too. You really would expect someone to defend his bellend of a sister in something like this over his wife? That’s laughable.

I would say tell your DD to grovel hard, but I think they’ve made their decision and the tricky thing will be, they’re presumably happier without your DD around when they have a new baby and are just getting going as a family, and presumably the same goes for you. They’re not exactly missing you. Hard to disagree with that.

You think she's done the 'right thing' in what? Taking her rude daughter's side and refusing to go to her own son's wedding or meet her grandchild?

Quite honestly, if my SIL had been mean and nasty to me, my MIL took her side and then petulantly refused to come to my wedding or see my child I would never speak to her again. I'd certainly not try and build bridges with her.

I think the OPs son and DIL are better off without the OP in their life to be honest.

Are you suggesting men are too dumb to form their own opinions?

Wow. Just wow.

Your dd was a bitch.

This situation has been created by your dd nit your da and dil. Your dd needs to grow up, apologise and make amends. Thai is jot on da and dil.

Credit to your son for being man enough to stand up for his wife. You and your dd sound awful.

Your DIL is ruining nothing here.

Your daughter was hurtful and clearly could have done with some better guidance about apologising and making amends when she’s done wrong.

She is an adult. She could send an email, send a letter, send some flowers, send a text message. She is responsible for her own relationship with her brother and his wife.

You are responsible for your isolation from your DS, DIL and grandchild.

From the information you have provided I can imagine that DS feels like you have prioritised his sisters feelings over his. That must be painful for him. That even when he has a new baby, his first baby, his mother is unable to step away from his (adult) sister for a short while to come and spend time with him.

I think he deserves a heartfelt apology from you.

I also wonder why DD did not quickly write a letter

4 years! This is so sad, OP, you’re going to wake up in 20 years and see that you missed your son’s and your grandchild’s life. But hey, at least you and your DD “won!”

In his last months, when my husband’s father was dying; his one big regret was that he and his wife didn’t facilitate good relationships between the 3 brothers. They don’t talk now that the parents are gone.

You need to wake up.

Haven't rtft but I am the dil (not literally but very similar experience of my inlaws) I'm afraid your dil has every right to refuse contact with anyone who's not treating her with respect and your son has every right to prioritise the woman he loves. Perhaps focuss more on teaching your dd that being nasty and disrespectful to people has consequences rather than how unfair dil is being, but maybe that ship has sailed and should have been done when dd was a child....

Exactly this. Siblings don’t always get along , they fall out with each other . You need to stop being on your daughters side exclusively and reform a relationship with your son and his family . I can’t believe you didn’t attend the wedding because your DD wasn’t invited .

Your daughter is responsible for her own actions. Stop shielding her, she is an adult and should absolutely be apologizing. If she doesn't want to, that's on her and she should face the consequences. To say she is devastated is ridiculous. Her behaviour sounds appalling and she's now facing the consequences of it.

You are also responsible for your behaviour. Staying away from your son's wedding and children in support of your daughter's poor behaviour is terrible, and that's on you. You are now feeling the consequences of it.

None of this is the fault of your son or his wife. You and your daughter owe them a huge apology. If I were them, I'd have nothing to do with either of you until that point.

You are prioritising your daughter's feelings over your son and your grandchildren. You've picked a side and like your daughter will have to live with the consequences of your actions.

I’d be quite interested to hear the other side of this to be fair..

I think you should explain to your DD how excruciating this is for you and ask to her to write a very sincere apology to her SIL. You have been extremely loyal to her and I think this is the something she should do for you, if not for herself. If she won't, then I think you should definitely give yourself permission to get to know your grandchild. If she does and the apology is rejected, then it's more difficult, but at least you're communicating about it. That is the only way forward that I can see.

Sounds like you and DD are welcome to each other. Good for DIL for setting boundaries against your rude brat.