Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

I don't think you should bother OP, they are probably only inviting you out of duty, I expect everyone is happier with things how they are. I doubt your daughter is 'devastated' it sounds like shes loving the drama and having you pick her over her brother.

Your daughter aside, it would be hard for you to come back from missing their wedding and ignoring your grandchild, thats some pretty low behavior.

You reap what you sow.

Your DD is unable to take responsibility for her actions and apologise to DiL. She was totally out of order to mock DiL and whether she "knew" DiL could overhear it or not is by the by. It is a thoroughly unpleasant way to behave and the fact she hasn't reflected on her actions and apologised (four years later!!) is pretty appalling.

But presumably the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and she learnt this shitty behaviour somewhere... I wonder where? Reading your posts gives a few clues.

Given that the way you've treated DS and DiL over this incident I hope they cut their (minimal by the sound of it) losses and just go no contact.

You didn't go to their wedding and haven't met your own grandchild... all because your DD is an unpleasant person unable to take accountability for her actions? You sound like a twat (and your daughter) and your DS and his family are better off without you.

Agree.

Your dd needs to apologise to both of them and you need to be clear to your dd that your going to start seeing your ds, dil and grandchild again, explain that you expect no hard feelings from her due to this. Yes you should be able to say things in your own home however your dd got caught being mean and upset her future sil, she's old enough to apologise for that

You're obviously downplaying your DD's actions massively. Mimicking someone isn't nice but there has to be more to it for your DIL to have gone NC.

Either she said something really cruel and you were all laughing along or else it wasn't the first incident, just the straw that broke the camel's back.

You basically implied that you condone taking the piss out of people behind their backs, so my bet is on the latter.

I'd be keen to know what the actual mockery was - pretending to be her can be pretty offensive in a couple of ways.

I think your DS is utterly correct and both you and your daughter have/are behaving poorly. There should have been an apology from your daughter, you clearly took sides despite your daughters poor behaviour and from your words it sounds like the DDs bitchy actions have been enabled by you.

Well done to DS for creating a boundary and following through.

Work on your relationship with son, dil and grandchild. Apologise for missing wedding and prioriting dd so far.

I would also have relationship with dd but definitely can understand why dil does not want one especially if she hasn't had an apology

So your DD is apparently devastated but has never tried to make amends by, you know, apologising? And was impersonating her soon to be SIL at age 24, so an adult not a child.

Think the issue here is you and your DD!

• Letter (posted)
• Letter (handed to you to pass on)
• Text message (to her brother or to his wife)
• Email (to her brother or to his wife)
• Verbal request to meet to apologise in person (making it clear that it is a full and unconditional apology) passed on via you if her brother isn't talking to her.

Do tell us again how in 4 years your daughter hasn't had an opportunity to apologise?

And do tell us again why you have sided with the person whose mocking is at the centre of this to the extent that you haven't even met your own grandchild in the first 4 years of their life. You could have met up with your son and your grandson at a cafe/restaurant/soft play/ out for a walk/ gone to his/ ANYTHING.

It was awful, absolutely awful, that you chose not to attend your own son's wedding - that was a pivotal moment where you absolutely chose your DD over your DS and you've been choosing her over him AND your grandchild ever since.

You should have stayed totally neutral. You should have met up with him without your DD. That's what you should have done.

You're not just at risk of alienation, you're 3/4 of the way down the road. For goodness sake grab hold of yourself and work hard on your relationship with your son before he cuts you out of his life completely.

OP, you should read your update and ask yourself if someone else had posted this, how sympathetic would you be. You know your daughter was in the wrong, you were in the wrong to back her and not go to your son’s wedding. You are still wrong to back her and you seem to be blaming your son and DiL. I feel sad for your son that his mother has chosen this route, he didn’t, you did, and has chosen to have nothing to do with her grandson. You and your daughter need to take responsibility for that.

Good grief! You can't see it at all can you? Instead of telling your adult daughter to apologise, which she could have done a million different ways, she's just chosen not to, you have missed your son's wedding and don't know your only grandchild. Frankly, you've screwed this up, you can't make it right and you can't get back the important occasions that you've missed. I thought you were going to say she was 12 or something, not a 24 year old woman who hasn't managed to utter an apology in 4 years. She's clearly the golden child!

It's a good job that at least one of your children has a strong moral compass, is supporting his wife and child and sees you two for what you are. I completely see why they've gone NC. The only thing you can do now is for each of you to offer a heartfelt apology but I suspect the damage is too great now. Well done 🙄

My sil did this to me years ago. I can't stand her but have never said she cannot see the dc. I would just expect an apology before she stepped foot in my home. She will probably never see her niece and nephew-not because she acted like a twat, but because she never had the stones to admit it and apologize. Probably never will. To me your dd shows extreme cowardice and immaturity to let it go on this long. She shouldve apologized immediately instead of letting it grow into this massive family problem. Shame on you both.

You are a fool, good on your DIL and your DS for backing her.
Of course your DD should apologise for being mean and hurtful, because your DIL wasn't supposed to hear she shouldn't apologise - are you actually for real?
If I was them I would have cut you off a long time ago - I just can't imagine not seeing your grandchild because DD is not allowed to and also not going to your DS wedding.
I think you should thank your lucky stars they still speak to you and are willing to let you meet your GC, I would bite there hand off if I was you because I expect soon they will stop bothering.

I thought you were going to say your DD was a secondary school age teenager when this happened to which I would’ve said DIL needs to let it go but at 24 she really should’ve been mortified to have been overheard mocking her.

The fact that DD didn’t intend for her to hear doesn’t negate the need for her to apologise. However as an adult it is up to her to do this or not so I think you are being daft in making a stand and not attending weddings or meeting your grandchild because of it. It’s ultimately between her and her brother/his wife. You are depriving yourself of being in their lives for what reason exactly?

“I’ve decided not to be a grandmother because my daughter said something nasty about his mum and I think they should’ve just accepted this because it’s not my precious daughters fault that they were offended by her nasty comments”

I suspect you've always put your DDs feelings above your DSs and this is only the tip of the iceberg. Your update makes things worse, she hasn't apologised and here you are still trying to make excuses for her ",oh it's not that bad" type of thing

How nice to read about a man sticking up for his wife. Makes a pleasant change.

i was going to say that this is a massive over reaction from dil until I realised your dd hasn’t even apologised. Grovelling apology necessary and up to your DD to try to mend the relationship. Why should dil just accept you all laughing and bitching about her behind her back. Come on, OP.

Your DD could have apologised in writing, many times over.

Your DD is old enough to take responsibility for her actions, no-one would like to walk into a room and see and hear another person mimicking them. Your DD should have apologised on the spot and made a huge effort to make amends.

It’s your own fault that you have not yet seen your grandchild.

OP, hopefully you have realised now from the replies, that are mostly saying the same thing, that your DD was out of order. It doesn't matter where or when it was said, it was said and it was overheard.

DD should have apologised at the time.

You are making excuses for her behaviour and while you are not responsible for it, you are condoing it. If you had encouraged her to apologise years ago, this might have been resolved years ago.

You could have gone to the wedding, you could have seen your grandson. you need to make it clear to your DD now that she was out of order.

You need to make it clear to your son, that you do not support your DD's behaviour but that you are not responsible for her actions.

you can rebuild this relationship if you do the right thing.

Your DD has destroyed everything and you have backed her. This is not DIL's fault, she has been the victim here

So your daughter is a nasty bully who "didn't take" to your DIL (I bet there was more to the story). She mocked her behind her back. You then minimise your DD's behaviour and show solidarity to your golden child by refusing to attend your son's wedding and therefore affirmed your DD's behaviour. Read again, you showed that you prioritise your daughter over your son, what sort of mother refuses to attend her own son's wedding?!

The two of you sound like nasty pieces of work and a pair of bullies, you should have insisted that your daughter apologise to DIL. I don't blame your son and DIL at all for not wanting you around their child.

You backed the wrong horse!

You missed your own son's wedding because you stood by the wrong person and you can't get that back.

You're giving your son an ultimatum - he won't get to see you, and his son won't have you as a grandmother, unless he includes his sister in his family.

I think the ship has probably sailed on repairing this relationship. It was very petty to 'side' with your DD and not go to your son's wedding/visit your grandchild. Your daughter is an adult, if she cared about apologising for her behaviour, I'm sure she would have found a way by now - phonecall, letter, text message etc. Your son absolutely shouldn't be the one expected to extend the olive branch, try to put yourself in DIL's shoes for a moment and think how you would feel.

I would probably have done the same. Your DIL has boundaries and is exercising her right to put them in place. Strong woman. Respect.

you’re the one who is not willing to have a relationship with ds and gc. You’ve got strings attached - if they want a relationship with you they have to have a relationship with dd. they don’t want a relationship with dd and rightly so! If those are your conditions to a relationship, that’s your problem! You’re not the victim here. They’ve tried having a relationship with you, you’re the one refusing.