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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
User100000000000000000001 · 09/09/2024 08:18

Meeplebeen · 09/09/2024 08:14

I wonder if everyone would be being so offensive about the probably disabled 16yo if their husband brought home a free roaming snake/spider/cockroach/rat (insert any other animal you hate) as a pet. You'd be cool with that? You'd be ok if your husband went against your wishes and brought an animal you really didn't want into the home?

Nobody except dh wanted a cat. It could be any animal but for whatever reason the 16yo desperately DOESN'T want a cat living in the home. Why don't his wishes matter? Because he's (probably) ASD? Because he's 16? Because he's a boy?

Also why isn't it ok for a 16yo boy to cry? Is this the 1950s?

I totally agree with this.

Also the OP is obviously a half decent person so is not going to be 'ignoring the kitten', it's a tiny living thing that needs care.

But I do think you should be calling/messaging your DH to say that unless he comes home asap then the kitten is being rehomed.

Bellyblueboy · 09/09/2024 08:19

Meeplebeen · 09/09/2024 08:14

I wonder if everyone would be being so offensive about the probably disabled 16yo if their husband brought home a free roaming snake/spider/cockroach/rat (insert any other animal you hate) as a pet. You'd be cool with that? You'd be ok if your husband went against your wishes and brought an animal you really didn't want into the home?

Nobody except dh wanted a cat. It could be any animal but for whatever reason the 16yo desperately DOESN'T want a cat living in the home. Why don't his wishes matter? Because he's (probably) ASD? Because he's 16? Because he's a boy?

Also why isn't it ok for a 16yo boy to cry? Is this the 1950s?

Does the son have a crippling fear of kittens?

of course anyone can cry - but a sixteen year old crying because there is a kitten in his house and then refusing to come home does sound extreme and I would be concerned about this teens ability to cope with the roughy and tumble of life.

the husband is an arse - but it sounds like this teenage thinks he rules the house and it crying with frustration and shock that his dad did something he didn’t agree with. If this is a pattern then it needs to be addressed pronto - life will be very difficult for this teen if he thinks he rules the roost.

he will end up an arse just like his dad!

afrikat · 09/09/2024 08:19

theworldie · 09/09/2024 08:09

It’s almost like he’s deliberately done it to upset everyone…

Narcissist?

This was my first thought. Bringing it back when no one else wants it, then ignoring it and just buggering off to work all just sounds so bizarre

I'm assuming you don't have a good relationship OP if you can't have a conversation with him about this?

gardenmusic · 09/09/2024 08:19

The kitten has just left it's mother and possibly siblings. It is mewing because it needs a bit of interaction - a tiny kitten mewing, in a new and strange place.
A little stroke, a little cuddle, a tiny bit of reassurance is needed. It's a baby.
If your family cannot dredge this up, take it back to the breeder now!

ChemtrailsandCountryClub · 09/09/2024 08:19

I have had cats for most of my life and love having them. I think kittens are the most adorable little things and deserve all the love and care etc etc - id be fucking furious if someone bought one home with no discussion and left me to deal with it.

People are reacting from their point of view of loving cats or believing they add only positive things to a household - but clearly not for THIS household. It’s absolutely fine for a teen, who has clearly got some MH going on, at the least dealing at such a young age with a friends suicide having an emotional reaction to his father completely ignoring his aversion to having the kitten and this sudden change.

The people saying it is a lot of drama should be ashamed of yourselves, this young man’s friend died by suicide and you’re calling him a drama queen. Maybe extend the same compassion to the lad as you are the kitten eh?

And that’s not even mentioning leaving OP to deal with the care of the kitten with zero discussion against her wishes, creating more work and more responsibility while he could not even be bothered to attend to it on its very first night?

LunaandLily · 09/09/2024 08:19

Your almost-adult son cried because your husband bought a kitten? That is a strange reaction.

user1492757084 · 09/09/2024 08:19

MelainesLaugh · 09/09/2024 07:07

I think it’s a massive overreaction from your children, it’s a kitten. It’s not like he brought home a massive vicious dog.

I bet within a week everyone will be cuddling the kitten

This. Your husband has waited years and he needs to have the cat before he gets too old.
You are all party poopers.

No kitten meows for weeks.
Your husband needs to be attentive to the kitten and meeting it's needs. It won't be meowing; it is not a dog.

Your husband can make it a cat run, buy it dry balanced food and take it for a yearly vet check, keep it wormed and vaccinated.

The cat will amuse itself... but when young will be a glorious, playful kitten.
Make it a cosy bed in the laundry - with access to kitty litter, food and water. Put it there when you all go to bed.

The only thing I would insist upon is that DH do all the clean ups and major caring roles.

MountUnpleasant · 09/09/2024 08:20

This is fucking weird behaviour from your husband!

CountryVic · 09/09/2024 08:20

How is the family not loving every second with that lil fella in your house! The little face, purrs, bean toes…put a bell around his neck on elastic so you can’t loose him, get some kitten food and enjoy every second of him.
Maybe your husband is wanting something to love and be loved by, although cats can be a tad “choose your owner”.

heldinadream · 09/09/2024 08:20

thinkfast · 09/09/2024 08:03

Just ignore the cat. It's DH's cat. DH's responsibility.

No she can't just ignore the cat. @WinkyTinky is obviously a caring human being and incapable of ignoring the cat, whereas her H clearly doesn't give a shit about the cat and is using it as some kind of aggressive gesture, which is frankly despicable.

@WinkyTinky do you know where the kitten is from? If so just return it. That's definitely step one. If you don't know and he won't tell you, you need to tell him that you're going to take the kitten to a rescue and tell them it was abandoned and you can't take care of it. Which is true.

Husband and children issues come later.

chocorabbit · 09/09/2024 08:21

I love catsbut many people don't and because I know it's hard work I never got one! It's a living being, not a toy. Tell DH you won't be looking after the kitten, you are going to work, everyone will be at school, he can take the day off. If you have a baby you don't put on headphones so you can hear the baby cry! Unless you are a man of course! So why does he think it's ok to do it with a kitten?!!

lovelysunshine22 · 09/09/2024 08:21

It's selfish of your DH to just bring a kitten home however your DS reaction is over the top and weird!

TheCultureHusks · 09/09/2024 08:22

Well it’s easy to see ‘why’ your DH just went ahead and got a cat in this way - because he’s a nasty arse who does what he likes and enjoys casing distress, and the status quo is that he throws his weight around and you and your children meekly accept it. This wouldn’t have happened in my house because a. My DH isn’t this kind of weird fuck-up, and b. Because if he did the cat would have been taken straight to a shelter that very evening, or the row would have been heard from 3 streets away.

He doesn’t even really want a cat - who the hell brings home a tiny kitten and immediately ignores it for the evening?

Stop googling how to care for it and google shelters. Call your DH at work and say, your cat is distressed, you’ve done nothing to help it settle, you’ve already started treating it cruelly ( the porch is too cold) - either come home how or I’m taking it to be rehomed this morning. When you live alone in your own house, which might be sooner than you think, then you can get another one to mistreat.

JT69 · 09/09/2024 08:22

I m a huge cat lover and have owned a few. But this is a disaster and not fair on yourselves or the kitten. Poor thing. It needs to go back and I’m the last person to be saying that. Glad you swapped the milk over.

ForGreyKoala · 09/09/2024 08:22

While your DH shouldn't have just arrived home with a kitten, what a massive overreaction on your part!! I can see why he wants a pet however, you and your kids sound plain odd.

Cactusesflower · 09/09/2024 08:23

Your poor children.
Why are you tolerating this?
Are you terrified of your husband?
If not bring the cat to a shelter.
He is not physically present to care for the animal and you will not be doing it.
Tell them the cat will be neglected and mistreated.

Then call Womens aid.
You need support as do your children.
Your husbands behaviour is controlling.
You need to push back hard.

Return the cat.
Any hint of aggression from your husband, call the police.

Yours sounds like an abusive controlling home to me.
Is it?
What he has done is not normal.

Evilartsgrad · 09/09/2024 08:23

Sfxde24 · 09/09/2024 06:59

Your DH is a dick. He’s brought a tiny frightened animal into his house and is ignoring it. A new kitten needs careful settling in. A safe place that is warm and loving.

My new kitten wasn’t even left alone for a few weeks when he arrived. Poor cat.

Bit weird your sons feel so strongly though. Cats aren’t that much disruption. They might even grow fond of it. Kittens are so adorable.

Or some people just don't like cats. Something that is not at all "weird" and is just preference.
You find kittens adorable. Other people don't.

Mirabai · 09/09/2024 08:24

Apart from anything else, a conservatory will not be warm enough for a cat, particularly a young kitten. It needs to be in a proper room until it is rehomed.

Evilartsgrad · 09/09/2024 08:24

ForGreyKoala · 09/09/2024 08:22

While your DH shouldn't have just arrived home with a kitten, what a massive overreaction on your part!! I can see why he wants a pet however, you and your kids sound plain odd.

🙄

LookItsMeAgain · 09/09/2024 08:24

Why didn't you say to your DH when he arrived with the cat "Oh, I do hope you're taking tomorrow off work to look after that because you know neither I nor the kids will be doing it?"
When he was downstairs and the cat was upstairs mewing outside your DS's room, why didn't you gather the cat and plonk it on your DH's lap so he had to deal with it?
As for the weekend away, you need to nip that one in the bud straightaway today and say that no one (apart from your DH) decided that getting a cat was going to be their responsibility so your Dh needs to sort something out if the weekend away is still on the cards for him. If he can't find suitable care for the cat outside of you and the kids as you are saying that they are not available to do this, then his part of that weekend away is shelved for the foreseeable.

Much as I would love to get a dog from a pound/rehoming centre, I have never just gone and done it and hang the consequences but this is precisely what your DH has done but with a cat. How inconsiderate is he usually???

chocorabbit · 09/09/2024 08:24

CountryVic · 09/09/2024 08:20

How is the family not loving every second with that lil fella in your house! The little face, purrs, bean toes…put a bell around his neck on elastic so you can’t loose him, get some kitten food and enjoy every second of him.
Maybe your husband is wanting something to love and be loved by, although cats can be a tad “choose your owner”.

OMG! Like the one that feeds them i.e. not DH! How many times haven't we seen OPs being chased around by pets left by adult children which have gone to university or got a flat which prohibits them and left them behind! I have seen elderly parents having to look after a cat which got anxiety when the very adult owner left the cat to them when she got married and left because they have a garden, she also works FT. Then they were asking us if we wanted a cat.

user1492757084 · 09/09/2024 08:25

If it is a very young kitten it might need to be fed powdered animal milk (made up) out of a small bottle from the vet office..
Or it might enjoy some of that milk on a saucer with water also available.

Make a point of DH being soley responsible for Kitty for the first three weeks so that it identifies him as it's carer. DH could always set it up in his bedroom and leave it there mostly.

gardenmusic · 09/09/2024 08:26

Then call Womens aid.
You need support as do your children.
Your husbands behaviour is controlling.
You need to push back hard.

Are you being funny?
You need to leave the phone lines at Womens Aid free for those who need help urgently.

MumblesParty · 09/09/2024 08:26

I can’t believe you’re googling how to look after kittens, and people are giving you advice. You don’t need to know how to look after kittens because the kitten should be going back. It would be absolutely insane for you to take over full responsibility (because your husband is clearly useless) for another living thing, when your life is too stressful already.

Maurepas · 09/09/2024 08:26

You all sound very odd. Hope kitten gets a much better home.