To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

[WinkyTinky]

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

The kitten needs to go back ASAP.

I assume it’s not from a rescue - where did it get it.

this poor kitten is already being neglected. It will have a miserable little life living in a house with three people who actively dislike it and the only person who wants it doesn’t seem to care about it all.

just awful behaviour from your husband. This is why animal rescues are overflowing and animals suffer.

How unbelievable that posters are saying it is weird not to want a cat.

Nothing weird about it at all.
A decent father does not foist an unwanted animal on his family.

He is a bad man that clearly has zero interest or intention of properly caring for a new kitten.

How disgusting he is to bring a small vulnerable little animal into a house and then neglect.

Shame on the posters who think animal neglect and cruelty is acceptable.

I don't think it is weird. I think people who love cats and dogs (and I am very much one of them) really don't understand that if you don't like pets then having one in the house will make you actively miserable.

You should start phoning round charities to rehome the kitten. Bringing a new pet into the home without agreement is absolute madness and so disrespectful. I agree with pp you need to phone dh and tell him it’s cruel and unsustainable. If he wants a cat he will need to move out.

Ur husbands a dick for
Bringing it home but u are all
Dicks regardless for not seeing this isn't the kitten's fault in the slightest and you are all
Completely ignoring this poor thing. At least be civil to it while hubby is arranging rehoming. Give it some attention and play with it for crying out loud it's a baby. It doesn't know what it has done wrong and will cry for attention. Poor thing. Any one able to completely ignore a baby of any sort doesn't deserve them in the first places hope hubby finds someone or takes it back asap. Cruel.

This 🖕

Your husband is a knob. But you’re over reacting. A cat is zero hassle. Once she’s neutered you can let her out during the day and night if she wants. All you need is the feed them twice a day. Your husband can do that and change litter. Again husband. Love for the cat. Husband. You and your kids can have zero interaction. Why it needs to be so extreme is bizarre though. The cat will be a lovely wee thing if you are kind and loving to it. But you can keep it out your way if you must.

He should have not just showed up and should be looking after it better as he made the decision.

But the reaction of your children is weird.

Very over dramatic. How will they cope with life if a little kitten causes so much drama.
How is it going to cause problems with education?

It was night 1 so of course the kitten was going to be extra loud and upset.
Just re home it . Your dh obviously hasn't considered it at all

What a dick.
For the best interests of the animal he needs to return it. If your DS reaction was down to a severe allergy there would be no question. Once he's returned the poor little kitten, throw a suitcase at him and instruct him to fuck off.

I didn’t vote because all parties involved are unreasonable. It is strange that your children feel so strongly about not having a pet, especially when they presumably haven’t even been asked to help care for it, and if the adults in the house want one then the kids don’t get to say no.

But obviously your DH is a dick, you don’t just bring a cat home without mentioning it and then ignore it. I got my kitty when she was about 12 weeks old, it was a huge amount of work almost like having a real baby. I had always had cats when I was growing up but never one so young. And I wouldn’t have one that young again!

I don't think it's weird to not want a cat, I don't particularly want one either as I have a dog, but if a tiny little kitten was to appear in my home there is no way I could have been cold hearted enough to leave it on its own in a cold room all night. It's bordeline abusive in my opinion. You all sound quite cold and uncaring, and yes it was completely wrong to bring a cat to this home, but the cat is there now so either care for it or hand it back to the breeder asap.

I agree. It is controlling behaviour by the husband. OP seems too scared to confront him or say anything at all.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine, only it was a puppy. It was the beginning of an escalation of his abuse.

Why are you being so passive?
You keep saying things like it will be all down to you when he is at work / goes away. Why the hell would it? All you have to do is take the kitten back to where it came from. Or to a rescue if that is not possible. I would do that without any hesitation.

And I understand about your son being upset. Some people on here don't seem to get the concept of nuance. He is not just crying 'over a cat'.

This.

I wonder to what extent you have projected your dislike of pets onto the children. It's very unusual. Most children love animals, apart from large scary dogs.

For those saying a cat is no work - don’t be silly

cats need feed, housed, cared for, wormed, visits to the vet. They need proper care if you go on holiday. They need to be kept warm in the winter. People need to notice if they disappear or if they aren’t well.

i have a cat - love her to bits - but she is work. She wakes me in during the night, she has destroyed a sofa.

I even discounted a lovely house when I was moving beciase it was too close to a busy road.

a cat is a big commitment. This house has four people who will ignore a tiny kitten crying - this is a cruel household. There should be no pets in this house

Your husband sounds the most sane of all of you. And he’s not sounding totally sane. Poor animal. And poor children who can’t accept a pet.

Once settled in and grown up a bit cats are very independent and you'd barely know you had one unless you give it attention and are responsible for feeding or doing litter (our outdoor cat doesn't use litter) so I think you and the kids would get there with it, it's not very disruptive but they do need a good bit of care to get them settled and adjusted to their new home when they are tiny, it's ridiculous that he just let it wander and didn't look after it. You can't really just plonk a tiny thing just away from it's mummy in a new house and leave it alone endlessly, that's cruel and the cat will end up a bit unfriendly and not keen on humans. Also it's completely unacceptable that he did this without your agreement and awful that he's not properly looking after the thing. I would message him and say if he doesn't look after it you'll call cats protection League for advice

This. I feel so sorry for that poor kitten in all of this unhealthy family dynamic.

I wouldn’t have out but quite so bluntly.

But I agree. This seems to be a household of very unhappy people and very unhealthy dynamics.

Which is probably contributing to the reaction of the teenager. Seems he is used to his opinion being the one that everyone has to listen to. But he also incredibly anxious. But like he might have learned that his anxiety gets him his own way. Rather than the parents helping him tackling it.

Where the unhealthy dynamics started is probably anyone’s guess, but it sounds like this family is reaching boiling point.

You have exaggerated the disruption x 100, that said, I firmly believe a cat, esp a kitten, should only be in a home where they are welcomed. Your sons extreme reaction to a kitten is quite odd tbh.

Kittens do need attention, not in the same way as a puppy, by that I mean they don't need toilet training or taking on walks, but they do need stimulation, play and attention.
I would absolutely suggest your husband either speaks to the breeder he bought from or the rescue he adopted from and have it rehomed. Getting a pet must be a decision for everyone, not just for one person to spring on everyone.

Your DH's behaviour is most definitely unacceptable. You'd be perfectly reasonable to return the cat. But I'm a cat lover and keep thinking of this confused kitten. Cats are really easy to look after. The easiest pet, in my opinion. Mine doesn't have a litter tray and goes outside so I wish need to feed him.

... Or... And hear me out ... Maybe he's reacting this way because he very probably has a disability?

What if he suffered with OCD and didn't want trays full of cat shit in his home? Wouldn't that be understandable? And if you can wrap your head around that, then what is so hard to wrap your head around any other reasons?

It's so easy to be disparaging about disabled people, isn't it? Especially those with ASD. But seriously, giving it 20 seconds of critical thought, i can think of plenty of reasons why a neurodivergent individual might react in ways that neurotypicals can't be bothered to try to understand. Doesn't mean he's spoilt, or an arse. Not to mention the boy is going through a period of intense stress and has lost a friend recently.

Why is it that large swathes of Mumsnet cannot find even the tiniest little ounce of understanding for a disabled child? Straight away you assume he's a spoilt brat who is ruling the roost. Even knowing the op thinks he may be ASD, you still pile on with insulting him.

He might be a spoilt brat, OR maybe he's a disabled child who is struggling with grief and stress and he's got a dad who couldn't give a fuck and just brings something into the house that he's uncomfortable with and tells him to suck it up.

This

Please don't just ignore it like some people are suggesting - if you ignore it, I highly doubt it will last a week in your husband's 'care'. You clearly don't want it nor do you have time for it so please rehome it. Young kittens get adopted quickly, it will be matched with a loving family who will give it the care and attention to needs.