To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

[WinkyTinky]

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

You dh absolutely shouldn’t have got the cat.

However, your teenager isn’t the one that gets to decide these things.

There’s a problem if a teenager is very upset that they didn’t get the final word on something happening in the house.

He may be ND, but that doesn’t mean his opinion make decision for the house hold.

Your husband is an arse though.

Pets are very very good for mental health. Could you encourage your ds to bond with the tiny creature? Stroking animals is proven to lower the stress hormone, playing with a small kitten will release endorphins. Caring for them can give people a purpose. I'm not saying you have to do this, but it may actually help?

And yes, I can see how insane we all seem, completely. Yes, there are other things at play here, it's a very long story. I had hoped that dh would be able to see that bringing a pet into all of this would not be a great idea. I honestly feel like I'm going to have a stroke or something, my head is spinning. My brother lives in a care home, at the moment he's in hospital, my mum isn't well and needs me to help her, I'm trying to run a home, look after two kids, one of whom you can see is more complex than I might like, and work full time. I just don't need this on top. Also, I know that dh is planning a weekend away to see his friend very soon, never mind the many nights and days he's out going off to his music events. Guess who is looking after the cat then?

I can see he's left food and milk and the litter tray in the conservatory, but as lots of you have said, it's not just the practical things, this poor tiny kitten has only recently left its mum, and the person who is supposed to be responsible for giving it a home has gone out for the entire day. Am I now taking the day off to try and care for this kitten?

Can you remove the milk and put water down instead? That would be one more sign that your H has no idea what he’s doing. Milk is bad for cats.

And then I would seriously consider rehoming both of them.

I think that you need to find the kitten, make sure it's ok, play with it and get it to settle down. It would be best if it's rehomed to a family that actually wants a pet. TBH it does sound as if caring for a pet would be good for your sons.

Your children's overreaction seem very strange to me. As a kitten, it just needs a litter box, water and wet food. As it grows you'll need a cat flap, to provide it access to the house when you're all out. It's just a cat.

I wouldn't be staying at home and I wouldn't do anything for the cat, this is what your DH is expecting.

I would be calmly tell 'DH' that he either stays at home with it or re-homes it.

I think that there is more to this. Why was he allowed through the door with the cat and you didn't challenge him. If you don't return the kitten, you are stuck looking after it for possibly the next 15 years while he swans off to work. Does he have form for totally disregarding your wishes?

I would actually like to get a cat, but dp hates them, so we won't. The adult who doesn't want the additional living being in the house should get the choice to say no, surely?

It's a kitten it needs more than just food and a litter tray. This is not a house it should be in at all.

If the kitten drinks that milk, it will hsve a very upset stomach.
Your husband is a cruel thoughtless prick.

This is what I mean!!! I have no idea about cats, but I also thought that it will need water, not milk. But dh who has had cats in the past has put out milk! I'll replace it with water. Thank you for letting me know. Here I am googling how to look after kittens and I need to go to work. FFS.

What have you said to your DH about this as you’re coming over as very passive in your responses - have you made it clear how you all feel since the cat arrived? Have you asked him to explain how he intends to deal with it?

Your DH is ridiculous to buy a bloody kitten for a family that don't want a cat.
But also this poor kitten! It needs some play and socialising and some care. If DH doesn't sort himself out this kitten is not going to grow up to be a happy cat. He'd have been better off getting an older cat that is super chill and settled not a kitten.

And DS? He cried because of a kitten. He sounds super stressed and I'd be concerned about that too.

The poor kitten. Your husband is a dick. Your son can't help his reaction especially if he's ND, but everyone's got more than enough going on without a cat being added to the mix.

The kitten needs to go back where it came from, or be taken to a rescue centre.

@EasySkankin what a ridiculous comment. Plenty of homes don't have cats and are functional and loving. I don't do animals inside my house. I am highly allergic and would be fuming if my husband did this. Even if I wasn't allergic I wouldn't want a pet as my lifestyle doesn't suit having another responsibility in it. I want to be able to go out or away without worrying about anyone but my kids and myself.

OP I'd be furious if DH bought home a bloody cat. That said, I do think it worth exploring the kids reactions as they seem extreme

He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation.

Of course having a pet should be discussed between the two of you, and allergies/phobias within the family would be a 'no', but reading the above, you have far bigger problems than a cat you did not want!
Crying because 'His Dad had gone against his wishes' Really?
We are not talking about a pit bull here, it's a tiny kitten. You don't want it, fair enough, re-home the poor little thing, it deserves better.

I think you need to let us know a bit more about the backstory with your husband, as until you do noone is going to understand why you haven't just talked to him about it.

OP I'm also sorry that you have so much stress going on and that your husband has added to it.

Your household dynamic sounds bizarre.
You need to return the kitten as you clearly are a completely unsuitable home for it, and your DH has been a knob bringing it home and then not looking after it
But FFS find the kitten, look after its needs properly and be kind to it before you return it.

What I don't understand is why you didn't immediately have a conversation with DH saying 'this can't happen'; or then when he ignored the cat for the evening and or now, why you havent called him to say 'get your arse home from work, you can't leave the cat alone all day, it's neglect'!

I agree with a lot of this, with the exception of « it’s not about the cat ». Yes, your DH has shown contempt for the family’s wishes but it cannot be stressed too much how shitty this is for the cat.

He’s frightened and cold - and likely too young to leave his mum. He had no say in any of this. How terribly selfish and cruel.

Your husband is wrong to do this without a conversation and agreement with you but the rest of the post is hyperbolic nonsense.

Pets only work if everyone is onboard. He should never have brought a cat into the house without your agreement. It is unfair on you and your kids.

Has he ever had a cat before? Did he do anything to look after it last night or just watch the telly? Where has he got her from? It might have been a kitten farm, in which case, she might not even be old enough to be away from her mother. Has she had any vaccinations yet? Seen a vet for a checkup? Has he thought about the costs of having a pet?

Kittens, like any animal need attention. I know she has a litter tray but does she have toys? Appropriate food? A water bowl? Is she getting lots of attention and fuss from him? Pets are living creatures with needs, not accesories.

I'd tell him to take her back. If he won't then he is unlikely to tell you where he got her from. In which case, as he brought her into the house without discussing it with you, I would be taking her to a rescue centre without discussing it with him. I am saying this as an animal lover.

I'm guessing from OP's referral to other threads that there is more to it with the 16yo

I can’t imagine anyone responding as you and your children have to having a young, defenceless, animal in their home; it’s a completely abnormal reaction and if it were my children they’d be getting told to suck it up and I’d be working on their resilience and their compassion.

While your DH shouldn’t have made the unilateral decision to get a pet I can see why he would. It sounds as if your wants have over ridden his and you’ve indoctrinated your children to feel the same way you do.

Cats are easy pets.