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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
Boohoohoohoop · 09/09/2024 15:48

A kitten is a baby animal and needs a lot of love and care. Your family doesn't sound like it can offer that. A pet is not a toy. Either your dh steps up or rehomes the poor kitty.

On another note. If you and your dc can open your hearts to a pet, it can be extremely rewarding emotionally..and cat purrs are known to reduce stress.

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 15:52

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 15:26

All these bloody cat lovers telling OP she's out of order, and her sons are overreacting... a cat is a responsibility for the entirety of its life. Which could be, what, up to 20years?

20years of litter tray cleaning, feeding, grooming, vet visits, vaccinations, medications, cleaning all the hair off everything, buying toys, clothes, food, dealing with emergency vet visits, booking kennels or sitters every time you go away, dealing with the 'presents' they bring in dead or alive...

I like a cat as much as the next person (more a dog person) but the above is a huge responsibility to land on anyone when they haven't agreed to it.

20 years of love, pets and fun. I will never be without a cat in my life for long. I currently have 3 rescue furballs and we all adore them. They are so much fun!

I would have some sympathy with your DH, if he really wanted a cat - but he's a complete arsehole for fucking off and leaving the kitten with you who doesn't want it. My heart goes out to the wee soul. Taken away from its mum and everything that's familiar to land in a house where it's hated and neglected!!

Your sons' reactions though are off the scale! Maybe they should have had a pet years ago to teach them some empathy? My three children were brought up with cats and they adore them now as adults. I think it would do them a lot of good to relate to the kitten. There's something seriously lacking in people who dislike animals!

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 15:53

I'm sorry but that's bizarre. This young man could benefit hugely from having the cat.

Deadringer · 09/09/2024 15:53

I am sorry but you all sound very strange.

101Nutella · 09/09/2024 15:57

I think everyone is unreasonable here. Surely this isn’t real! So much drama about a cat.

  1. DH is unreasonable to bringing in kitten without communicating the plan.
  2. you are being unreasonable to act like having a cat (which sleeps for up to 20hours a day) is too much for a teenager to handle.
  3. your children will be going to uni/house shares so will have to cope with not being able to control what everyone does without having meltdowns or they might struggle with the give and take of life.
  4. YABU to feed their fears and you are all unreasonable for treating a life like an inconvenient object.
  5. id be concerned if my children showed no empathy or compassion for a small defenceless animal.

I might get attacked here but he is the owner of the house with u, and presumably pays for things too. I wouldn’t let my children veto a pet I wanted as long as they weren’t allergic. But I would be prepared to do the care. The reasons you’ve given are quite over exaggerated so I can see why he got tired of discussing it and just did it.

he (and us) know there is no reason why a cat affects Alevels so I wouldn’t accept it as a reason for no if I wanted the pet.

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 15:57

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 15:53

I'm sorry but that's bizarre. This young man could benefit hugely from having the cat.

But he doesn't want a bloody cat, the poor child has had enough on his plate! Just because you like cats, doesn't mean everyone else does!

This thread is so infuriating... the children and wife DONT WANT A FUCKING CAT living in their house, having to be responsible for it, care for it, clean up after it, feed it, provide medical care for it share a home with it.... and that's completely FAIR! They don't need to justify this decision.

And I'm saying this as someone who actually likes cats!

1apenny2apenny · 09/09/2024 15:58

The problem is OP is that you have already started taking responsibility for this cat. I would not have texted him but since you have I would be replying saying that he seems to be assuming you will be taking some responsibility for the cat - be clear you won't. Tell him that he's got the wrong end if the stick, you don't want the cat and you won't be letting it out. If he wants it to go out he needs to come home. You also won't be cuddling it, feeding it, changing the litter tray etc. How dare he assume you would.

However you are enabling his behaviour and I don't care what anyone says, you can just do nothing. I wouldn't be but then I don't like cats and would have taken it to the cat rescue by now.

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 15:58

Elkle · 09/09/2024 15:15

I would not be comfortable with a cat in my home and in this situation would have taken the kitten straight to a rescue. I really cannot stand cats, but would be unhappy about the upheaval for the kitten and very annoyed that an adult thought it appropriate to bring an animal home without discussing it first.

You are missing out. What have cats ever done to you?!

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 16:01

coldcallerbaiter · 09/09/2024 15:28

I just see any pet animal, especially a dog but even a cat as work for me to do and poo for me to shovel, no thanks. Some ppl think pets are pointless, like me.

Cats are not calming to me, they are just a predator of songbirds in my garden and something to insure and feed. I do not want their hairs around.

OP and her children do not want one, dh bringing one home would hurt your feelings, it would be like forcing a guest you did not want or like to stay.

I used to let my children play and give little morsels with a neighbours cat outside when they were small but it didn’t come in. Tbh the novelty wore off much sooner than the years it lived for.

Edited

It's not pets that are pointless. I am sorry for your children. Kids learn a lot from having a pet in their life.

My children are caring and compassionate adults and I fully believe that part of that stems from always having at least one cat in their lives. Even now, they seek out random cats wherever they are. I am so proud of that!

OneTC · 09/09/2024 16:02

You all sound like complete melts

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 16:02

@Runnerinthenight how do you not understand that some people just don't like cats, or do like them but absolutely don't want to live with them?

I keep snakes and rodents... would you like snakes and rodents slithering and running around your house?

Everyone is different... beauty of life innit?

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 16:02

1apenny2apenny · 09/09/2024 15:58

The problem is OP is that you have already started taking responsibility for this cat. I would not have texted him but since you have I would be replying saying that he seems to be assuming you will be taking some responsibility for the cat - be clear you won't. Tell him that he's got the wrong end if the stick, you don't want the cat and you won't be letting it out. If he wants it to go out he needs to come home. You also won't be cuddling it, feeding it, changing the litter tray etc. How dare he assume you would.

However you are enabling his behaviour and I don't care what anyone says, you can just do nothing. I wouldn't be but then I don't like cats and would have taken it to the cat rescue by now.

I can't understand why people dislike cats. You've never had the joy of getting to know one. That's a shame. It's very cold.

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 16:04

Goldbar · 09/09/2024 15:46

It is not a moral weakness not to like certain animals.

It is morally repugnant to assume responsibility for an animal and then fail to care for it properly.

OP and the kids are the good guys here imo.

That is as may be but I feel sorry for people who don't like animals because they miss out in a lot of joy in life. It's deeply bizarre to me.

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 16:05

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 16:02

@Runnerinthenight how do you not understand that some people just don't like cats, or do like them but absolutely don't want to live with them?

I keep snakes and rodents... would you like snakes and rodents slithering and running around your house?

Everyone is different... beauty of life innit?

I don't understand it, no. My DN used to have snakes and rodents. They didn't run around the house.

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 16:07

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 15:57

But he doesn't want a bloody cat, the poor child has had enough on his plate! Just because you like cats, doesn't mean everyone else does!

This thread is so infuriating... the children and wife DONT WANT A FUCKING CAT living in their house, having to be responsible for it, care for it, clean up after it, feed it, provide medical care for it share a home with it.... and that's completely FAIR! They don't need to justify this decision.

And I'm saying this as someone who actually likes cats!

I just happen to believe that it's good for children to be brought up with a love of animals. Maybe the OP has missed that boat? The husband should not have just landed this poor baby into a household where it's not wanted, and I hope it gets rehomed to a decent, caring family.

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 16:08

Well mine do run around the house, or slither some of them.

Would you be comfortable with rodents and snakes running loose in your house?

If not, why do you expect others to be comfortable with cats running round their house?

Cats are actually far more destructive, clawing thing, shitting and pissing everywhere, getting hair on everything, coughing up furballs.... there are a hundred reasons why someone doesn't like cats, or does like them and doesn't want to live with them.

It doesn't make people weird, or bizarre, or whatever other negative terms you want to use.

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 16:09

I've arrived home and checked on the cat. Conservatory temperature is fine for now, but will definitely get cold later. He has come out from under the sofa and I have given him a ball to play with, stroked him etc, and I think he's ok with me. Of course I'm not going to just ignore a baby animal so we've done a bit of bonding just so he isn't frightened. But maybe I'm still doing the wrong thing...

OP posts:
HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 16:10

@Runnerinthenight where does it say the OP and her DSs don't love animals??? They do, they just don't want to share a bloody house with them!!!

I love and adore cows, I think they are beyond beautiful... would I live with one? Absolutely not...

GratitudeGrump · 09/09/2024 16:10

It sounds like your DH got fucked off with waiting and just forced the issue. Being a cat lover, I can understand that. At the same time it seems weird that he would get a cat and be so blase about it.

If you keep the cat, he/she will be adored and rule the whole house within a few weeks. You will wonder how you ever did without it.

But if you're really against it, then see about rehoming soon so that they don't get too attached.

FinallyPregnant23 · 09/09/2024 16:11

If your DH can just bring him in against your wishes, you can just take him out.

Very selfish if your DH to do this against all of your wishes.

Gettingbysomehow · 09/09/2024 16:11

DS and I are the only ones in our entire family who like cats. If I gave a kitten to my parents or Dsis they would just literally put the cat out the door and shut it. So I don't do it because I'm not a wanker.
Your husband needs to understand this.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 09/09/2024 16:12

There is a world of difference between not particularly wanting a cat, which implies indifference, and being absolutely anti-cat, which is what the whole household except DH seem to be. In the former, a cat might grow on people and become a member of the family anyway. in the latter, the humans are all pissed off and the cat will live a miserable life where its needs are not being met. And to top it off, DH has brought this poor baby into a house where nobody wants it and even he is ignoring the hell out of it on its first day away from its mother and litter mates. This is cruel. DH needs an absolute bollocking about about inflicting stuff on his family that they are absolutely against, and also his shitty attitude to pet ownership, and the poor kitten needs to go back or be passed on to a home where it's wanted.

LifeIsNeverKind · 09/09/2024 16:12

Keep the kitten, get rid of the dickhead

OneTC · 09/09/2024 16:13

Just play with it for another couple of days then you'll want to keep it.

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 16:13

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 16:08

Well mine do run around the house, or slither some of them.

Would you be comfortable with rodents and snakes running loose in your house?

If not, why do you expect others to be comfortable with cats running round their house?

Cats are actually far more destructive, clawing thing, shitting and pissing everywhere, getting hair on everything, coughing up furballs.... there are a hundred reasons why someone doesn't like cats, or does like them and doesn't want to live with them.

It doesn't make people weird, or bizarre, or whatever other negative terms you want to use.

Well I think there might be the small issue of three large felines...!!

Our cats bring so much fun and joy to our home. I really think people who dislike cats have never got to know one. I've had cats my entire life, thankfully.