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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/09/2024 16:14

I’d be beyond fuming if my DH brought home a pet without it being a joint decision! Especially at such a busy and stressful time for you all. So selfish!

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 16:15

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 16:10

@Runnerinthenight where does it say the OP and her DSs don't love animals??? They do, they just don't want to share a bloody house with them!!!

I love and adore cows, I think they are beyond beautiful... would I live with one? Absolutely not...

I'd live with a cow, not in the house though, because that would be cruel to the cow. I also love sheep.

Someone who has such a visceral reaction clearly doesn't like animals. I could never have brought my children up like that.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 16:18

LifeIsNeverKind · 09/09/2024 16:12

Keep the kitten, get rid of the dickhead

Ooo you took the words right out of my mouth!

Op, I'm not really a cat person either. I'm a dog lover. Somehow I've acquired 3 cats (long story) and they've all wormed their way into my heart!

I suspect this kitten will melt ur heart too...

ChewbaccasMrs · 09/09/2024 16:19

Honestly I'd be rehoming the DH,he's been beyond selfish and I'm sorry for what your oldest DS is going through losing a friend at that age is hard enough but to have lost a friend to suicide is so much worse and can bring up all sorts of emotions and worrys bless him.

I'd be having serious words if I was you and letting him know how much he's letting your DC down especially your oldest son,right now he needs stability and peace.

Elkle · 09/09/2024 16:19

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 15:58

You are missing out. What have cats ever done to you?!

Why are some people afraid of dogs when they've never been harmed by one? Or spiders that can't harm us in the UK?
I have been around them a lot and don't like them. There are various reasons, but people are allowed to not like cats. MN can be odd when it comes to cats - it's okay to not like dogs but people who don't like cats are heartless and cold.
The dogs, rats, gerbils, hamsters, stick insects and birds I've had over the years have known boundless love and attention and have had plenty spent on large habitats, toys, vet fees, etc. I don't feel I am missing out having never had a cat.

Relaxd · 09/09/2024 16:20

I don’t recall as a kid being consulted on various family pets, but I’d have assumed both parents to have had a mutual agreement. Half the posters are trying to make this a man v woman thing unnecessarily, it’s poor manners from any adults sharing a house.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 09/09/2024 16:21

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 14:22

I know you can darling.

I don't know why you think I'm wound up, but I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on what my intentions were and whether or not the implication was there or not.

The fact that you have able telling people ‘they fucking can’ when they say kids don’t decide, tips people off you are getting wound up.

I am not your darling. Your attempt at patronising me, doesn’t make you look less wound up.

If you intention is to imply nuance, imply it. Don’t talk in absolutes.

OneTC · 09/09/2024 16:22

Cats aren't like dogs, they're like sentient self propelling furniture, you should definitely all give it a chance.

We had to ask relatives once to look after our (indoor) cat for a bit, and they were from a background of animals live outside, pets don't come into the house, but agreed he could stay in a little nearly outside thing for a week and then after a week they said they wanted to keep him for a bit longer, then he lived the rest of his life there sitting on their laps, sleeping at the foot of their bed, having food at the same time and they'd sing to and about him and preferred the cat to their own children

coldcallerbaiter · 09/09/2024 16:23

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 16:01

It's not pets that are pointless. I am sorry for your children. Kids learn a lot from having a pet in their life.

My children are caring and compassionate adults and I fully believe that part of that stems from always having at least one cat in their lives. Even now, they seek out random cats wherever they are. I am so proud of that!

Please don’t feel sorry for my children because they don’t want or need cats! Yours seek out random cats to be ‘compassionate’ because you cannot understand a life without some dependant animal in tow…

101Nutella · 09/09/2024 16:25

@WinkyTinky youre doing the right thing giving it attention until you sort it out.
im sorry you’re in this situation. Some sort o blanket for the night if they don’t already have it, maybe like an enclosed bed so it feels secure, not just vulnerable in an open space.

if you come to like the cat I also vote for keep it and rehome DH 👌

Ramblomatic · 09/09/2024 16:29

A sixteen year old being upset/stressed out by a cat is ridiculous. Tell him to grow up.

Grammarnut · 09/09/2024 16:30

Perhaps your DH thinks DC need to have something to think about other than themselves? Mind, he should not have brought home a kitten without telling anyone - a kitten needs a loving home not a cold conservatory.
Why are DC so adamant about pets, anyway? Most DC like pets and cats are easy to look after once past the kitten stage. This all seems a bit over-dramatic about a scrap of a kitten that just wants some tactile company.

Salome61 · 09/09/2024 16:33

My beautiful cat died last summer, aged 17. I'd had cats for forty years and since my husband died, decided she would be my last. Mr Ratty moved straight into my garden, digging under both sides of my shed ... I've had to get rid of my plum and apple trees. I'd never realised what a good job Pandora had done.

Grammarnut · 09/09/2024 16:33

ChewbaccasMrs · 09/09/2024 16:19

Honestly I'd be rehoming the DH,he's been beyond selfish and I'm sorry for what your oldest DS is going through losing a friend at that age is hard enough but to have lost a friend to suicide is so much worse and can bring up all sorts of emotions and worrys bless him.

I'd be having serious words if I was you and letting him know how much he's letting your DC down especially your oldest son,right now he needs stability and peace.

And a cat in the house disrupts DC16 how much?

EsmeSusanOgg · 09/09/2024 16:35

Ramblomatic · 09/09/2024 16:29

A sixteen year old being upset/stressed out by a cat is ridiculous. Tell him to grow up.

It is clear the 16 year old is stressed by lots of other things, and when asked about a car as a pet said no thanks. The teen is now stressed that his dad asked for people's opinions and did it anyway - with no notice.

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 16:38

@Grammarnut see the reply from @EsmeSusanOgg above. That is the point.

OP posts:
moonshinepoursthroughmywindow · 09/09/2024 16:39

I think you are in the right, although I appreciate that it can be hard to say no to a kitten that's already in the house.

I also feel vindicated because a family member was having a go at me earlier for not just getting a dog, which I would like and DH wouldn't. Apparently I am "living by someone else's rules." Well, yes, in this case, because I don't think it would be fair on the dog to bring it into a situation where someone didn't want it. I think you "get" it too.

FearOfTheDucks · 09/09/2024 16:40

Still feeling most sorry for oldest DS who according to posters here is simultaneously:

  • a child who should have absolutely no say in whether or not there's a cat in his home, because he's a child.
  • an almost adult/man who shouldn't have an emotional reaction to something he really didn't want to happen, because he's too old for that and should grow up.

Something else about autistic people is that for many of us when the outside world gets overwhelming, home is a 'safe' place and any unwanted changes can seem worse than they would if everything was going well with school/work/friends. It sounds like DS is going through a lot right now and the sudden change was overwhelming.

As for the 'all children like pets' brigade - surprise, children aren't all alike and they don't suddenly gain individual preferences once they turn 18. Lots of children love pets. Some really don't. (and the people saying there's something wrong with those who don't are plain intolerant of difference in a very petty way.)

BillyNoMates9 · 09/09/2024 16:46

You sound very controlling and like you've stirred up your dc to be as difficult as well. Perhaps the kitten was intended to bring some joy and light to your lives?

It sounds like your dh has really wanted a pet for a long time, let him have some happiness. Why should you get the final say?

You may also find you like the pet, cats are quite low maintenance compared to a dog.

Boomer55 · 09/09/2024 16:51

Runnerinthenight · 09/09/2024 16:01

It's not pets that are pointless. I am sorry for your children. Kids learn a lot from having a pet in their life.

My children are caring and compassionate adults and I fully believe that part of that stems from always having at least one cat in their lives. Even now, they seek out random cats wherever they are. I am so proud of that!

Yes, my now adult kids benefitted from growing up with a variety of pets. It taught them about birth, life, and eventually death.

Invaluable.👍

But, regardless, a teenager should not be dictating what comes into the house.

snakewillow · 09/09/2024 16:53

I'm on the fence about whether the kitten should have been brought home, as it is your DH's home as much as yours and your DC's. However, when it was sat disturbing the people who don't want it there why were the headphones not ripped off his head and him told to deal with the pet that HE wanted?

He can't take on a pet then carry on as if nothing has changed. I would be making it very clear what his responsibilities now are and the first time they fell to anyone else it would be rehoused.

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 16:54

Thank you @FearOfTheDucks this is exactly right. He is very likely autistic, never investigated or diagnosed, but shows all the signs like needing his safe things to feel settled, and this is an unsettling thing for him. He has overcome lots of small fears and got out of his comfort zone with things like going to his prom when he was adamant he wasn't going to go until the last minute. He travels to another city on the bus for college, he speaks very well and politely to people such as teachers although he is very shy, but this is just something he has made clear he doesn't want. And for his dad to go against it, and foist a pet on him whether it's an 'easy' pet or otherwise just shows him he hasn't been heard. Also, the conservatory is his haven where he goes to just to chill out or do his weights, and right now it's home to a stinking litter tray, which as anyone familiar with ND knows is not great. Our house is small and quite open plan and it's a change that he didn't want, when all when wants is to relax in his home. Again, I could be being over the top, pandering to his needs, you could say all of that, but my priority is to have a happy kid.

OP posts:
RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/09/2024 16:54

What a bunch of dick heads. (Not the kitten, poor baby)

Goldbar · 09/09/2024 16:54

It's funny how many people are just not understanding that you and the kids don't want a cat.

Of course it's not unreasonable not to want a cat.

biscuitandcake · 09/09/2024 16:56

BillyNoMates9 · 09/09/2024 16:46

You sound very controlling and like you've stirred up your dc to be as difficult as well. Perhaps the kitten was intended to bring some joy and light to your lives?

It sounds like your dh has really wanted a pet for a long time, let him have some happiness. Why should you get the final say?

You may also find you like the pet, cats are quite low maintenance compared to a dog.

I wanted a cat so I got a cat and then
... Looked after the cat.

I didn't get a small kitten and then leave it to someone else to look after.