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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
YankSplaining · 09/09/2024 14:05

Tell him he’s got 24 hours to get the cat out of the house for good, or else you’re taking it out of the house for good and you won’t tell him where the cat went, either.

Pickingmyselfup · 09/09/2024 14:06

Calamitousness · 09/09/2024 08:29

Your husband is a knob. But you’re over reacting. A cat is zero hassle. Once she’s neutered you can let her out during the day and night if she wants. All you need is the feed them twice a day. Your husband can do that and change litter. Again husband. Love for the cat. Husband. You and your kids can have zero interaction. Why it needs to be so extreme is bizarre though. The cat will be a lovely wee thing if you are kind and loving to it. But you can keep it out your way if you must.

I'm a cat person through and through and will always have one (or several) but they aren't all that easy.

Firstly there is the added expense, food, flea and worming, vaccinations, insurance, unexpected vets bills.

One of my cats had behavioural issues which caused him to poo and spray all over the house. I paid out hundreds in vets bills, behaviourists, special food, extra trays, cat runs. Then there was the health hazard of having him just go to the toilet everywhere but the trays not to mention the risk of being electrocuted when he sprayed into the electrics and the expense when he sprayed onto the boiler control panel. I battled for 3 years with that cat because I loved him so much but it was a living hell until I gave up and he went back to the breeder which broke my heart.

My cat now has to have raw food otherwise she gets an upset stomach and poos in the house (usually the bath or the bathmat) It's easily dealt with but it's a PITA because her food takes up a whole freezer drawer and the poo is also a PITA to deal with. She's getting old now which could bring more expense and more issues but we will muddle through unless it becomes unliveable because we wanted her and we made that decision as a couple. I wouldn't be impressed if I was made to deal with all of the above when I didn't want a cat in the first place.

Also kittens can't be absolute nightmares, one of mine was so bitey and I was shredded to pieces until he grew out of it. You have to be careful not to let them out until they are old enough or at all if they are indoor cats, they need a lot of attention and they can also be little sods and scratch the furnishings/carpets/be sick on the tiniest rug on a massive hard easy to clean floor.

So I'm not surprised the OP is fuming especially as she is now being left to pick up the pieces. It's completely not fair, if you want a pet then you have to do the work or don't get one. I have a huge rat cage with 9 rats, the most I ask my husband to do is to talk to them, stroke them and feed them. I wanted them so I take on the headache of cage cleaning duty. If I flounced off and said he had to do it he would be telling me to re-home them because it was never part of the agreement.

YankSplaining · 09/09/2024 14:06

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:48

To those mentioning vaccinations and neutering, is it possible that this has been done already on a 13 week old kitten?

Possibly vaccines, but probably not neutering.

StrongasSixpence · 09/09/2024 14:10

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:48

To those mentioning vaccinations and neutering, is it possible that this has been done already on a 13 week old kitten?

Vaccination possibly but unlikely. No way is the cat neutered or spayed as vets won't do that young without very good reasons. Do you even know the sex of the cat? Female kittens can get pregnant younger than you think.

I8toys · 09/09/2024 14:15

Poor Kitten. DH is in the wrong but such a major overreaction from a teenager. Seems out of proportion to the situation so not sure how changes and things out of their control will be dealt with in the future.

Our cats wake our kids up and they've both been able to complete their education and go to uni.

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 14:16

I'll have to ask about vaccinations when I get home. I hadn't given any of this a thought in my life til 4pm yesterday.

OP posts:
CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 14:22

SwiftiesVSLestat · 09/09/2024 13:03

Knickers in a twist?

Honestly, the only one who is wound up is you. There was no implication at all.

Someone said that children don’t get to decide. You said ‘they fucking do’ and some other stuff about parents ‘don’t get to impose their wants’. Parents impose their wants on children all the time.

This is an open forum. I can reply to whoever I want.

I know you can darling.

I don't know why you think I'm wound up, but I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on what my intentions were and whether or not the implication was there or not.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 14:24

Anyone interested in the other side of the fence should see this post:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5161612-dh-has-moved-the-goalposts-on-getting-a-family-dog

OP does want a dog and her DH doesn't. Why are the vast majority of the responses saying that it should be a joint and/or family decision, but on this one, they're all pathetic and weird and whatever if they don't want to keep the cat? Not all posts admittedly but there are a lot.

DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog. | Mumsnet

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed. When DD was born, we decided to get one when...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5161612-dh-has-moved-the-goalposts-on-getting-a-family-dog

Allthehorsesintheworld · 09/09/2024 14:28

A terrible thing for your husband to do. Poor tiny kitten taken from its litter mates and left alone in a conservatory which will seem huge, echoey and scary.
Poor thing should be returned immediately.
your DH is an idiot.

Stickytoffeepudding6 · 09/09/2024 14:33

Where are you? I will take the kitten! I've a cat already. Poor thing being left on it's own in conservatory first night away from mum.

Was it private purchase? Rescues usually do home visit in person/video where they ask if all family agree.

Your husband has been selfish on all accounts. Kittens can't be left too long on their own, they're essentially babies and their health can go down very quickly esp when stressed which it will be from moving.

loulouljh · 09/09/2024 14:33

The cat might be good for the teen who is struggling! They really are not a big deal.....it needs lots of cuddles now though as will be scared and missing its mum.

sesquipedalian · 09/09/2024 14:34

OP, I am completely with you - having a pet has to be a family decision. We had two cats and they are an expense and a tie, and you have to de-flea and de-worm them, and there’s the question of catteries or cat sitters if you go away at all - one of ours hated being away from home so I had to use cat sitters if ever we went away. The other one had kidney disease and the food and medicine was very expensive, and that went on for almost four years. She eventually died at 19 and a half. I did not begrudge any of the time or expense: the cats really were a part of the family: all I’m saying that it is a commitment, and not a short-term one at that. I think your DH has behaved both unfairly and irresponsibly.

Fatbottomgardener · 09/09/2024 14:35

Feel so sad for the kitten. When we got a rescue cat the whole family had to be on-board the adoption

Your DH has not a clue about caring for a kitten. An idiot for leaving milk.

It will need vaccinations on a regular basis, flea treatments, worming tablets etc

Hopefully the kitten will attach itself to a friendly neighbour

HateSpewingTurnip · 09/09/2024 14:35

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 14:24

Anyone interested in the other side of the fence should see this post:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5161612-dh-has-moved-the-goalposts-on-getting-a-family-dog

OP does want a dog and her DH doesn't. Why are the vast majority of the responses saying that it should be a joint and/or family decision, but on this one, they're all pathetic and weird and whatever if they don't want to keep the cat? Not all posts admittedly but there are a lot.

I think because it had been clear from the start that no one else wanted a cat.

Ops DH entered into a relationship knowing ops 'non negotiable', agreed, and has now just decided no, and I won't explain why, I'll just get 'upset' be manipulative

Totally different situation which is why the vibe on that thread is different.

HateSpewingTurnip · 09/09/2024 14:36

HateSpewingTurnip · 09/09/2024 14:35

I think because it had been clear from the start that no one else wanted a cat.

Ops DH entered into a relationship knowing ops 'non negotiable', agreed, and has now just decided no, and I won't explain why, I'll just get 'upset' be manipulative

Totally different situation which is why the vibe on that thread is different.

Ffs wrong thread sorry!!!

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 09/09/2024 14:38

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:48

To those mentioning vaccinations and neutering, is it possible that this has been done already on a 13 week old kitten?

Anyone irresponsible enough to give your husband a kitten won't have had it vaccinated and it's too young to be neutered.

It's too young to be outside. Please get him rehomed to someone who likes and has experience of kittens. You seem like you are going to try but it's still going to be a miserable life for a kitten that isn't wanted with people who have no idea how to care for him.

diddl · 09/09/2024 14:38

Ours didn't go out until he was neutered.

NiftyKoala · 09/09/2024 14:45

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 14:16

I'll have to ask about vaccinations when I get home. I hadn't given any of this a thought in my life til 4pm yesterday.

This is ridiculous you have enough on your plate then to know have to deal with a pet you did not want. I'm very sorry op. The cat should not be your problem to deal with. Maybe if you refuse to do any of the care DH will either step up to take care of it or take it back.

Daltonbear1 · 09/09/2024 14:45

Very strange reactions from your children most kids love animals very strange indeed. Plus your reaction to it’s not hard to look after kittens lots of toys and cuddles but yeah husband should t have just turned up with cat but why are you guys so anti pets is it a culture thing. I don’t see how a kitten meowing stops any work being done very strange

EsmeSusanOgg · 09/09/2024 14:48

Pets are a two yes situation. You also should not get a pet, then take off for work the next day with no plan to look after it. YANBU. I'd message DH and say he needs to sort this and find a better home for the kitten.

Whatafustercluck · 09/09/2024 14:49

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:48

To those mentioning vaccinations and neutering, is it possible that this has been done already on a 13 week old kitten?

It may have had its first, but unlikely to have had its second, and final, one. Think it's usually 12 weeks and 20 weeks. As for neutering, no reputable vet will operate on a kitten until it reaches about 2kg, which is normally at least 16-20 weeks onwards. And our vet microchipped ours at the same time they were neutered to reduce the stress for them.

muggart · 09/09/2024 14:49

I can't believe you are just taking over care of this cat that was bought expressly against your wishes. Sorry but you must be such a pushover, no wonder your DH knows he can get away with this kind of crap.

I'd be dropping it off at a shelter and telling your DH and kids it escaped because you needed to get something from the conservatory. Closing the door on your way out wasn't your responsibility, since that is part of being responsible for the cat which isn't something you agreed to, so the cat got out. It was DH's fault for not being around to look after it. #sorrynotsorry.

fussygalore118 · 09/09/2024 14:50

Weird if your husband to bring a new pet into the house without agreement. But I find your kids reaction even more odd... It's a cat not a gremlin. Ignore it. It's hardly going to massively impact his life.

SammyScrounge · 09/09/2024 14:53

This reply has been deleted

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Julianne65 · 09/09/2024 14:53

You have my sympathies. Even a wanted and loved pet can be a difficult change. I think that since he didn’t give you a choice you don’t give him one. Contact an animal rescue charity who will find the little dear a new home with people that will love her/him. It’s really important it’s done as quickly as possible as the poor thing is probably already very distressed. Kittens always get adopted fast in rescues. We have an adopted 2 year old. At and we adore her but it is a huge life change!

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