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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
chocorabbit · 09/09/2024 13:30

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:15

Not sure why some are questioning whether or not this is real?! I assure you, this is just one of a long list of things you probably wouldn't believe, so maybe I understand the question!

Having read back the reply from DH, I think he's describing himself perfectly...

Edited

You are just taking orders from him. As @Nanny0gg is saying what are YOU going to do? Give him an ultimatum, not "but this and the kitten that" a clear NO, I won't be doing this, I won't be cat sitting while you are away. Or rehome the kitten.

Caramellie3 · 09/09/2024 13:31

I’d be fuming with dh particularly as your kids are not animal lovers. But at the same time I’d probably learn to love it. Maybe not dh though he needs to learn to communicate/listen!

VillageLife82 · 09/09/2024 13:33

Getting a pet should definitely be a family decision, but maybe your DH has wanted one for a while and has had to live without one all these years, so it's his turn?

What's not to love about a kitten? Plus, cats are so independent. Once he's going out, he'll likely nip in for food and a snooze and then be out again.

Remember also that regardless of how he came to be there, he's a sentient being who needs love and care and is not something to be ignored, discarded and treated as a problem.

I feel most sorry for the cat, not the owners.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/09/2024 13:41

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 12:01

This is the reply to my message to dh telling him I could not see the cat, was worried about the cold conservatory and missing the comfort of its mum, and that I had changed the milk for water -

Max is 13 weeks old.
He is under the sofa in the conservatory.
He is fine.
Cats go out at night (so not cold).
He just needs time to get used to his new surroundings.
Once he knows his environment he will sleep in the lounge.
You can let him into the garden when you get home (for a short period)..
He will like that.
He just needs love/kindness and someone to look after him.

I definitely won't be letting him out in the garden where there are plenty of gaps in the fence onto the outside path where all the dogs are.

My answer to that message was "I think you have some misunderstanding here. This is not my cat, this is your cat so all care for the cat falls to you. I will not be looking after the animal when you are not around. It is not my responsibility, it is yours. If you cannot look after your cat, you must rehome it."

ilovesooty · 09/09/2024 13:44

"Since you cannot look after the cat, I will be rehoming it"

liveforsummer · 09/09/2024 13:44

Well he cat is here now and only dh can return it, and presumably won't. I'd be reassuring your ds that it's unlike to impact him. Cats generally look out for themselves and don't bother people who don't bother them. Especially if it's to be a cat that goes outdoors. His reaction is pretty extreme and doesn't need encouraged! Your dh is of course unreasonable

ilovesooty · 09/09/2024 13:46

liveforsummer · 09/09/2024 13:44

Well he cat is here now and only dh can return it, and presumably won't. I'd be reassuring your ds that it's unlike to impact him. Cats generally look out for themselves and don't bother people who don't bother them. Especially if it's to be a cat that goes outdoors. His reaction is pretty extreme and doesn't need encouraged! Your dh is of course unreasonable

It's not old enough to look after itself or to go outside.

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:48

To those mentioning vaccinations and neutering, is it possible that this has been done already on a 13 week old kitten?

OP posts:
LeontineFrance · 09/09/2024 13:49

Please take the kitten to a rescue centre. It does not, in its early young life, deserve to be in such a situation. There will be families that can take it and love it for what it is. Not everyone likes cats, or wants them in the house. Fair enough! But the kitten did not ask to be 'adopted' by your feckless husband. It deserves so much more.

ilovesooty · 09/09/2024 13:52

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:48

To those mentioning vaccinations and neutering, is it possible that this has been done already on a 13 week old kitten?

Not at all likely - just about impossible . In any case you've only got his word for how old the kitten is.

liveforsummer · 09/09/2024 13:53

@ilovesooty I wasn't talking about now. I was talking about in the long run. The long term impact of a cat!

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 09/09/2024 13:53

Lavenderblossoms · 09/09/2024 12:35

That poor kitten :-( it didn't ask to be brought there. Please do the right thing and take it to an animal shelter or rescue.

Then I'd be having a strict word with your husband. Don't bring an animal home without the agreeing of everyone living in the household.

I would say to your husband, already you're not looking after it properly. It's just a baby and it needs comfort, love and food. It will be ao confused. That's why it's meowing the poor little sod.

Tell him if he wants a pet then he can move out and have one.

Edited

This. And also tell the sixteen year old that when he gets his own establishment, he can share it with as many or as few animals and other people as he wishes, but so long as he's under your roof, he does not get a casting vote.

Itisjustmyopinion · 09/09/2024 13:53

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:48

To those mentioning vaccinations and neutering, is it possible that this has been done already on a 13 week old kitten?

I doubt it and surely your husband would have got all the vet details on what has or has not been done from whoever he bought it from

If he thinks the cat can just go outside without knowing these details then he is even more irresponsible

Mabs49 · 09/09/2024 13:53

Your DH is irresponsible and abusive - not only to the cat but to his whole family.

Take the kitten to the rescue centre and tell your DH that now is not the time for a cat and that you can't just launch a new family member into the household without everyone's full agreement.

I'd be absolutely FURIOUS with him. What a selfish twunt.

I'd be inclined to report your DH to the RSPCA.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 13:54

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:48

To those mentioning vaccinations and neutering, is it possible that this has been done already on a 13 week old kitten?

No they aren't neutered until 16 weeks. Where did he get it from has he revealed this info to you yet?

ThisMammaCat · 09/09/2024 13:54

Kittens need love and attention to get used to people and learn how to behave, it's cruel to leave him locked up in the conservatory alone, poor thing. Your husband is a massive arse and shouldn't have done this against everyone's wishes. Just to be clear I'm not calling you cruel for not wanting to interact with him- your husband is for just dumping him there! Maybe you could state your general location so if anyone on the thread wants to take the lil one on that could be arranged? No idea if that's been suggested as have only read the posts from OP due to time constraints.

I've heard of "loop ear plugs" that are apparently really good at filtering out unwanted sounds, maybe DS16 would benefit from trying those while the kitten is with you guys?

Mabs49 · 09/09/2024 13:55

I also can't believe he went off and left the cat on its own and watched telly. Would he have left his own kids in the conservatory at 13 weeks?

No, probably not?

Could you show him some cat rescue videos about kittens and how much love and attention they need. The poor cat will have mental problems for the rest of its life that some other poor owner is going to have to deal with.

Bigcat25 · 09/09/2024 13:55

The kitten should not be put in the garden. He doesn't know the house or you and could run off. Just stating the obvious here, but your husband doesn't have common sense.

Mabs49 · 09/09/2024 13:55

Tell him when you're divorced he can have his own cat then.

Lifeomars · 09/09/2024 13:56

How is a cat going to disrupt someone's schooling? Eat their homework like the mythical dog? Joking aside the whole family needs to be on board with getting a pet and helping it settle in. I have always found that kids love kittens so the son's reaction seems unusual. Poor little kitten needs to be cared for and made welcome and it looks as if this is not going to happen so a better home should be found where it will get the attention it needs

EPankhurst · 09/09/2024 13:57

There is another thread at the moment where the OP joked about getting a dog despite her DH not wanting one (he changed his mind) and she's getting an absolute roasting.

I'm a huge animal lover but even I in your shoes would be presenting the kitten to the nearest cats protection league and pretending that I'd let him out in the garden as requested and he must have got lost. He will get rehomed in a jiffy, kittens always do.

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 13:58

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:48

To those mentioning vaccinations and neutering, is it possible that this has been done already on a 13 week old kitten?

Vaccinations maybe but neutering probably not. If the kitten is a girl it would have a bald patch on its side from being spayed.

EPankhurst · 09/09/2024 14:00

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 09/09/2024 13:53

This. And also tell the sixteen year old that when he gets his own establishment, he can share it with as many or as few animals and other people as he wishes, but so long as he's under your roof, he does not get a casting vote.

Why doesn't the wife in this household get a casting vote under your logic?

She must be a lesser human than the Man. Silly me.

ilovesooty · 09/09/2024 14:02

And if it's been vaccinated (unlikely) there would be a vaccination certificate.

Have you found out where he got it or contacted any rescues yet?

Thestreets · 09/09/2024 14:03

PortiasBiscuit · 09/09/2024 12:38

All children want pets, of course they do. What have you done to yours?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

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