Friend asking to borrow clothes, awkward!

[Jiminycrickets]

I have a friend who asks to borrow my clothes. We are both in our 40s, she’s financially secure. She’s a school Mum, so I have to tread carefully to avoid awkward interactions.
I don’t have anyone else in my life who asks or does this! I don’t borrow clothes either. This is something we all did at uni when everyone had limited funds and clothing. I leant her a cheap shirt about a year ago, because I felt put on the spot in a group of people. She returned it clean. But now she’s asked to borrow a very expensive dress of mine and I don’t want to lend it. The main reason is I feel you can always tell when someone a different shape has worn your things and they don’t fit the same. She also could notreplace it if something happened, it’s out of stock.
Years ago, my flat mate borrowed my shoes without asking and stretched them out so much I couldn’t wear them anymore because they fell off. Since then I really don’t feel comfortable with the concept.
How can I say no without making it awkward and also fend off future requests?

A clutch bag or similar to a friend sure a dress to a school mum, no.

I wouldn't want other people sweating in my clothes
https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=friends+Joey+goes+commando&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:9cd84660,vid:zRL7ufdVzn4,st:0

back in my teens a friend of mine ripped a leather miniskirt of mine I let her borrow. it wasn't even at the seams, it was from trying to pull it down over her thighs and ripped a hole in the panel. I will lend and borrow clothes, but ever since that I've been much more aware that some people won't respect them, so if they're in any way more delicate, it's not okay.

‘I’d love to lend you it but I’ve recently leant a few things out that have come back damaged so I’ve make a decision not to lend things out going forward. Sorry to disappoint.’

I had a school mum who asked if she could take my last lemon 🍋 from my kitchen! I let her as I was in shock. That was the start of a lot of piss taking which I soon stopped!

It doesn't sound like she was being intentionally rude. Am I right in thinking she has a wedding or another one-off formal type event and, rather than spending £100+ on an outfit for 6 hours, she has asked to borrow your dress that she must have seen before?

It makes perfect logical sense.

I wonder if she's just socially unaware and a very practical person instead. I can be like this. I also wouldn't be concerned if someone asked to borrow my dress, but I appreciate we're all different.

Blunt people are great, because, actually, you don't have to be careful about what you say! I'd just say something like;

"Hi friend, I'm really sorry to be awkward but actually I'm thinking I'd rather not lend out the dress. It's one of my favourites and I'd hate for anything to happen to it unintentionally. I hope you understand and best of luck finding one for the event.".

It's kind and direct. She sounds like a nice person, don't make it conflicting for no reason.

I have friends like this who ask to borrow my expensive designer bags/ shoes/ accessories and I usually just say “oh sorry I’m wearing it this weekend” I work hard for the few nice things I have and I’ll be dammed if I’m letting other people parade about in it!!

This freaks me out too because I pay a lot of money for certain books/ editions etc but people just assume that a book is something to be lent / borrowed and I don’t want to lol

Just say no.and look at her like she's crazy.

Honestly people are so cheeky! As if you would ask to borrow something when they had just opened it up right in front of you! What’s wrong with people?! And for a festival! Emm NOOOOOO

I feel for you being put in this position. I think you only have two options, being honest and candid about it or come up with an excuse/white lie (you can say 'oh you don't want to know the dirty things I did with that dress on lol', or 'the zip is broken' or whatever). The problem with the later option is that she will ask you again. Best thing is honestly. I only 'lend' clothes to my sister and my daughters, knowing well that I will never see my stuff again😂

Could your friend be ND and that’s why the hint didn’t work?

no is a complete sentence.

Now I’d have to say: yes, it is suitable but I don’t want to lend it, I was trying to be tactful and you’ve completely missed it. Suggesting alternatives to lending would usually be enough, I’d have thought.

I have seen you acknowledge that with people who ask direct-to-the-point-of-rude requests the best response is a direct response.

I think it would also be useful to give the exact response you have put above because it may help the other woman to learn to understand a deflection as a no.

I think most people will just infer that she didn’t want to lend out her dress and felt the need to make up and excuse rather than just say no.

I don’t think you need as excuse not to give random people your things but there you are.

I’ve had this before. My friend wanted to borrow a very expensive dress from me but I’d had it altered and taken in to my measurements which she wouldn’t have been able to wear. Is your dress altered ?

A friend lent her wedding veil to her DSIL, had to chase it up for months afterwards and when it finally came back, it had rips all over.
No sorry, not cleaned and not bothered.
Friend had wanted her girls to wear it to their weddings and learnt a hard lesson.

I'm a people pleaser too but you have to leant to say No OP.

Also the others watching you len might think you're fair game and start asking too.

Just say no

I have very close friends who i share dresses with, usually for occasions when you dont want to splash money on something to wear once / wear the same dress to a wedding with the same guest etc.

But i do totally get what you mean about the different shape. Im the same size as a friend but my boobs are actually much bigger so my dress drape a bit on her and id likely stretch hers. So we dont share really.

Not unreasonable id say!

This but would open up the conversation for her to say "oh lots of people do".
I would say "oh gosh no!!! I would never!"

Indeed this.

She is very cheeky.

Except she already lent this woman a blouse.

What a weird thing to say, why would you want to become a known liar? I’m sure this person can handle being told a polite but firm no.

OP I think it’s ok for her to ask if she thinks you’re friendly enough with each other but you are not unreasonable for not wanting to share your clothes and should just be honest, but nice, about why to this woman.

So I’m a person who, if you ask people who know me casually they’ll you I’m a bit odd or socially awkward - I’m currently on a waiting list for an autism assessment.

I too, wouldn’t understand that your excuse means ‘i don’t want to lend it to you’. Just do everyone a favour and tell her you don’t want to lend clothes. I imagine she’ll understand if you tell her you felt awkward and put on the spot.

also, I don’t think asking to borrow something was rude, particularly as you’d lent to her before. In her wider circle it may be completely normal. It’s just different standards. Equally she’s not forcing you to be rude, since declining a request is not rude.

I once showed a work colleague a photo of a dress I'd bought to wear for a special birthday evening out later on in the month. I'd paid quite a lot of money for it and was really looking forward to wearing It and getting dressed up for a change. She messaged me about it the following weekend asking if she could borrow it as she was going out and had nothing to wear and couldn't afford anything new. I was really taken aback as well. I don't get why some people behave so weird.

You did say no, right?