Friend asking to borrow clothes, awkward!

[Jiminycrickets]

I have a friend who asks to borrow my clothes. We are both in our 40s, she’s financially secure. She’s a school Mum, so I have to tread carefully to avoid awkward interactions.
I don’t have anyone else in my life who asks or does this! I don’t borrow clothes either. This is something we all did at uni when everyone had limited funds and clothing. I leant her a cheap shirt about a year ago, because I felt put on the spot in a group of people. She returned it clean. But now she’s asked to borrow a very expensive dress of mine and I don’t want to lend it. The main reason is I feel you can always tell when someone a different shape has worn your things and they don’t fit the same. She also could notreplace it if something happened, it’s out of stock.
Years ago, my flat mate borrowed my shoes without asking and stretched them out so much I couldn’t wear them anymore because they fell off. Since then I really don’t feel comfortable with the concept.
How can I say no without making it awkward and also fend off future requests?

“Sorry, I’m just not really a big clothes swapper kind of person.”

I was happy to offer somebody a suit for a job interview when we were in our twenties and she was in dire financial straits and desperate to land the job. It wasn't a precious suit to me and I told her if something happened, it happened and not to worry. She delivered it back to me in mint condition as soon as the interview was over. She showed me what she was planning to wear to the interview and I thought her outfit didn't fit the bill so it was me offering. The suit fitted her as well.

I think outside very exceptional circumstances nobody should be asking to borrow your clothes. Since she is not short of funds, it is seriously weird. Just say something like, "I'd prefer not to."

I don't think you need to worry about her gossiping about it because everybody who hears this story of you denying her borrowing a special and expensive dress is just going to think she is very very odd indeed. There are commercial businesses for that sort of thing. You are not running one of those businesses.

I would just say no and be honest. Just say, it's out of stock and therefore unreplaceable "I wouldn't be comfortable, I hope you understand"

Clothes are very personal to most of us, an inexpensive shirt that doesn't matter to you is a very different thing.
A dress which suits you and you value is not a lending thing IMO.

My niece lived with girls last year that constantly raided her room, clothes. Phone chargers, incredible. This year she has a lock on her door.

People really do take the piss so you need to have boundaries and know what matters to you. We can't expect other people to have better boundaries, as so many don't.

I would just say no, if she asks why then explain it’s sentimental to you and you prefer not loaning your clothes to people.

Your husband is correct! I’m a very diplomatic person, but I do think this request is so odd, and you can say no very comfortably. Dress it up in chat if you like so you aren’t hostile, e.g.. Oh I’m glad you like the dress! I no longer lend clothes so won’t lend it, but. I got it from x shop, you could have a look there. Good luck. End of. Move convo onto something else.

Just be blunt and say no you don't lend out your clothes.
What a strange thing to ask!

This is a great response.

I have leant the odd thing to my best friend of 30 years but it was more me offering something because she needed to find an outfit for an event and I said 'I've got a couple of things that might work'. But to be asked by a school Mum in front of other people, I would be blunt and say 'no sorry, I don't lend out my clothes'. I think it's weird she ask tbh.

How weird. I don’t know anyone who would ask to borrow a dress (or at least, since uni/ childhood days ).

At most, I would lend a jacket to a friend for a wedding, interview etc, but I would never lend an item thats worn next to the skin. Just feels a bit ick.

if she asks again, just say ‘no’ and if she asks why my, just say it’s a special dress that’s now out of stock.

If she starts pleading poverty, point her in the direction of vinted, eBay etc. Buying a dress if there is no different to wearing yours, they have all been worn by someone else first.

Just say no. DH and I have recently implemented a policy of ‘don’t lend, don’t borrow’. This was after the final straw when DH lent out one of his thankfully cheap DIY paint scrapers, only for it never to be seen again. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back really. Subsequent requests have been politely declined but we also never borrow (never really did tbh) 🤷‍♀️

I lent my sister a vintage tartan dress for a ceilidh that came back ripped and with chocolate in the pleats! She said she didn't wear it as it was two small, I'm assuming that's how it ripped lol. Now I love my sister (and she has little spare money for nice things) so will just mend it, but if a friend did that it'd feel very different indeed! Would probably harbour it silently. Feel free to use my experience as your excuse!

" Can I borrow your x y z?"
"No sorry, I don't want to lend out my things"
"But you let me borrow that shirt that time"
"yes, I know I didn't really want to then to be honest, as I don't lend out my things to anyone, but I felt under pressure to say yes as we were in a group, anyway about that coffee on Sunday... "

This. If she ruined it, could/would she replace it? That would be a whole other load of hassle.

My new flatmate who moved in a few months ago, has so far asked to borrow a pair of stilettos for a fancy event, and my personal yoga and fitness mats (which I have because I'm too much of a germophobe to use the ones at the gym).

I found both requests awkward but managed to say no!

A friend of a friend, when in our 40s, borrowed a vintage All Saints skirt and a glorious heavily pleated Viv Westwood white shirt.
It was returned, stuffed in a carrier bag with literally crisp crumbs caught in the folds.
Made me really sad that she had so little respect for me via my objects.
I never felt the same about the items, and I found that emotional memory was there everytime I saw them in the wardrobe so I ended up giving them away! So just left with anecdotal rage ten years on.

I wouldn't lend now. I do give to my teen girls and tell them if they wreck stuff during good times that's a great way to go.

Is it a really expensive dress? Is it fabulous?

Not that it makes any difference because it would be no from me anyway, but is it something she could not afford herself? I would tell her where you got it and hint at her buying it herself (I know you said it's now out of stock but she doesn't know that).

Personally I wouldn't ask to borrow someone's clothes, I am really funny like that, even if one of my boys sticks my slippers on to put something in the outside bin I hate it. My SD used to 'borrow' my stuff without me knowing and I could always tell and couldn't wear it again.

I can’t imagine asking a school mother friend for a lens of her clothes!? My best best friends yes (and even then I just wouldn’t), but an acquaintance… how odd

I'd just say, 'Oh no, I don't really like sharing clothes.'

You are allowed to have different opinions to your friend.

There are companies that rent out special dresses - she can use one of those. She’s weird to even ask you.

Her - "@Jiminycrickets - do you still have that dress I'd like to borrow it to wear to X event?"
YOU - "actually, BorrowerFriend, I'm not loaning out my clothes any more. I loaned out shoes and other garments in the past and they ended up coming back so damaged and stretched, I couldn't wear them myself, so you'll have to find something else to wear to the event. I believe you can actually hire out expensive designer brands from some websites - have you looked into that??"

Or change the subject entirely.

No one is making you loan out your clothes or belongings except you. If you want to put a stop to it, put a stop to it by simply saying that your wardrobe is not a lending library.

Very cheeky to ask.
Firmly say no.

When and how did she ask and what was your initial response?

I'd just be honest and say you're flattered she wants to borrow the dress but your clothes are your own to wear and not for sharing.

She’s a school mum, OP. Not even one of your best friends.
I’d hate to be put on the spot too, cheeky mare. Probably hoping you’ll say yes to avoid feeling uncomfortable around her. It’s got to be a definite no though.

Don't lie, embroider or elaborate. 'Sorry x, I don't lend my clothes'.

I no longer lend things (unless I don't really care about what happens to them). I've had so many nice things not returned or returned ruined. Once someone lent/gave an item to someone else because they'd forgotten it was mine. Another time I was cheerfully told said item had been binned as it got damaged!

There may be some appreciative borrowers out there but on the whole people don't care as much about stuff they don't own/ didn't pay for.

I think you need to be blunt. Say "sorry, I don't lend out my things any more". If pressed as to why say "I don't like the idea of someone else wearing/using my clothes". You might feel concerned about causing offence but honestly, someone who is bold enough to ask to wear your clothes is pretty thick skinned.

If you make excuses like the zip is broken she might ask to come and look through your wardrobe and see what else you've got as you'll give the impression that you're happy to lend otherwise ...