Friend asking to borrow clothes, awkward!

[Jiminycrickets]

I have a friend who asks to borrow my clothes. We are both in our 40s, she’s financially secure. She’s a school Mum, so I have to tread carefully to avoid awkward interactions.
I don’t have anyone else in my life who asks or does this! I don’t borrow clothes either. This is something we all did at uni when everyone had limited funds and clothing. I leant her a cheap shirt about a year ago, because I felt put on the spot in a group of people. She returned it clean. But now she’s asked to borrow a very expensive dress of mine and I don’t want to lend it. The main reason is I feel you can always tell when someone a different shape has worn your things and they don’t fit the same. She also could notreplace it if something happened, it’s out of stock.
Years ago, my flat mate borrowed my shoes without asking and stretched them out so much I couldn’t wear them anymore because they fell off. Since then I really don’t feel comfortable with the concept.
How can I say no without making it awkward and also fend off future requests?

I had a school mum ask to borrow my blow dryer once. I blanked her message like she never asked.

Such a lesson. I’ve been reflecting on a couple of other things that happened and have come to the conclusion that she’s unusual/oblivious and doesn’t get hints that others would. So I will just have to say no directly and be firmer.
The average person wouldn’t ask, so the average hint wouldn’t work.

I thought about doing that, but wanted to avoid an in person follow up!

Thank you to everyone for your suggestions. I do need to grow a backbone. I have a huge fear of hurting people’s feelings.

Have a Google about people pleasing - it sounds like you want have pp tendencies. It actually doesn’t win friends as can lead to these sorts of muddles.

You can't go through life worrying about hurting feelings or causing offence to people who don't worry about causing offence to you!

This is not a thing that casual acquaintances ask and it's not appropriate for her to put you in the spot and virtually insist that you lend her something.
She must be so thick skinned to not have taken the hints and someone so thick skinned should be able to handle the word no!

In future, you are going to have to be more straightforward with people because making excuses just opens the way for some people to offer work arounds.

It's honestly okay to not do something that another person wants, for the sole reason that you don't want to!

You’re absolutely right. I’m so conditioned to be polite that she did something that was rude and I literally didn’t know how to respond. It’s not rude when they’re rude first. It’s ok to say no to an inappropriate request.

Just send a message saying. Sorry no you no longer lend clothes.

I resent being forced to be rude though if that makes sense.

It's really unfair of her to place you in this position. If/when she asks again, just say 'No, I'm not happy to lend clothes v. Don't specify the dress so it's covering any future cf behaviour.

@Jiminycrickets I'm learning the more I get older that quite a lot of people don't get hints, you have to be direct. Sometimes even hit them over the head with it 😂 and luckily I've found that most of the people who are like this, can take the direct response and some even prefer it.
So don't hold back in future!

OP, for what it's worth, I don't think you would be rude to say no. I think that you would be giving a clear message, and (hopefully) avoiding further questions on this subject.

How bizarre. I've never known grown adults past housesharing early-twenties types share clothes like that. It's not really the done thing. It's a lot of responsibility to borrow someone's clothes as you'd need to wash before returning, it might need dry cleaning, might get damaged being washed incorrectly, etc.

So odd. Just say 'oh, I don't lend clothes to anyone' next time.

Remember that just turning down a request for something isn’t actually rude.

But you're not being forced to be rude!

It's not at all rude to say "No, I'm not OK with that"

Rude would be "Fuck Off you cheap cow"

She has asked politely, you refuse politely, all is well.

Agree that it's not rude to say no. Your property is yours - you are under no obligation to let someone else use it!
Shops do exist - she's perfectly capable of going to one and buying her own dress.

I'm very against lending things - people rarely treat other people's stuff carefully and even when they do, there's a danger of it getting accidentally damaged.

Here’s my polite answer built on experience but it works:
in my past experiences lending clothes leads to losing friends. Now I like to keep both.

You're not being forced to be rude. You're being forced to be assertive and set a boundary - which often feels selfish and unkind and rude, and all sorts of uncomfortable things. But if you don't set this boundary, then you will be perhaps resentful and feel put upon, she may ruin your dress, and she will feel entitled and emboldened to ask to borrow more things.

She's being rude, in placing you in this uncomfortable position and ignoring your attempts to fend off her request.

'To be honest Jill, I'm not actually comfortable lending clothes, this dress isn't replaceable if anything were to happen and its one of my favourites. But I'm more than happy to help you find something suitable for your occasion, we could look online or have a shopping trip. '

And if she's not happy about that, then that's her problem to get over. Don't complicate matters by making up ridiculous lies about it, there's no need, you are perfectly entitled not to want to lend out your clothes.

(Although for those saying 'who does that?', my sister and I share and swap clothes all the time, but we are similar size and shape, both in our 60s and neither of us care much about clothes)

I’m sorry but if someone is brazen enough to ask to borrow something then they can handle it if you say no, I’m sorry I don’t like lending clothes and give your reason as you did here in your post.

You have to be assertive here.

Just say
”no I don’t lend clothes out”, say it firmly and with a spring in your step so doesn’t come across harsh.

Emma 1103 has the right answer. Say no for sentimental reasons.
I have a group of four friends and we do lend each other formal dress. However we have known each other for 40 years and trust each of us to return the clothing in pristine condition.

Well me being me would just say no

Now see, you've muddied the waters by trying to slink out of it with a lie/excuse.
All you did was give her an opportunity to double down and reiterate her request.

I don't lend out my clothes. I choose them with care and it wouldn't occur to me to put them in the hands of someone else. They are very personal items.

Just quite recently my (close) friend was here when I opened up an Etsy package containing an expensive (to me) handmade Celtic kilt style skirt that I had been lusting after for ages and had finally bit the bullet and bought.
She admired it greatly then told me it would be perfect for a little festival she was camping at that weekend...and could she borrow it?
I did laugh.
"Absolutely not."

Be explicit. And honest, for goodness sake. You are not obliged to lend out clothes, most people don't. It's fine.

This is the way to go.
If the request happens in public, you look composed and kind but also firm. If the request happens in private, you also look kind, composed, and firm.

If she persists, and reminds you of the good care she took of the previous item she borrowed, you can follow with a regretful, "I couldn't take the risk, I'm afraid. The bad experience coloured my view of the person, and I value our friendship too much to take that risk again."