Friend asking to borrow clothes, awkward!

[Jiminycrickets]

I have a friend who asks to borrow my clothes. We are both in our 40s, she’s financially secure. She’s a school Mum, so I have to tread carefully to avoid awkward interactions.
I don’t have anyone else in my life who asks or does this! I don’t borrow clothes either. This is something we all did at uni when everyone had limited funds and clothing. I leant her a cheap shirt about a year ago, because I felt put on the spot in a group of people. She returned it clean. But now she’s asked to borrow a very expensive dress of mine and I don’t want to lend it. The main reason is I feel you can always tell when someone a different shape has worn your things and they don’t fit the same. She also could notreplace it if something happened, it’s out of stock.
Years ago, my flat mate borrowed my shoes without asking and stretched them out so much I couldn’t wear them anymore because they fell off. Since then I really don’t feel comfortable with the concept.
How can I say no without making it awkward and also fend off future requests?

This is really good too.

Just say that sorry, you really do not want to lend this and you are not comfortable lending your clothes generally. You could point her to a dress hire shop if she doesn't want to buy.

I’ve had this a lot over my lifetime cus I buy nice clothes ! I always say No !
please ……. No I’m sorry I don’t lend my clothes out because there mine ! Sometimes when your upfront it’s enough to get them off your back x

I'd say;

Lending you something before made me realise that it makes me very uncomfortable lending out my clothes, shoe's & accessories. Therefore I will not be lending anything to anyone.
I'm sure you'll understand and respect my decision.

The last sentence makes her look very unreasonable if she tries to argue/negotiate with you.

The ship has sailed, I see.

You still don't have to say what you think you have to say though.

You could still say, "Please don't take this personally, but after a bad experience with someone I thought I thought I could trust, I've made a decision that I'm no longer lending clothes or any of my other personal belongings - and that has to be a blanket rule applied to everyone, including you, I'm afraid."
Shake your head sadly and repeat that you are sorry and you hope she won't take it personally, if she persists.

You're going to have to mentally pull up your big girl panties and say a flat, "No, and I'd like to consider the subject closed at this point," if she turns out to be a wheeler. Smile as you say it, pat her hand, tilt your head slightly to one side.

Just say you prefer not to lend your clothes to others.
If she mentions last time just say it was a one off.

I have loaned irreplaceable things (a cape, hats, gloves) which have never been returned, even after many requests. I don't lend anything now and I don't borrow. Just say No.

Be honest - say you had a bad experience lending clothes in the past and don’t lend them anymore.

OP you sound like you have unhealthy levels of avoidance going on, I mean that kindly. Life actually becomes a lot easier when you’re politely more assertive. Avoiding things in the hope that other people will behave in a way that makes things resolve themselves isn’t good for you and causes more stress. I have a very good friend who used to be like this. She’s gradually got more assertive having previousky been scared of causing offence . She’s much happier

Not at all unreasonable. As an aside in case it’s not been suggested, ASOS rent out dresses that are in the more expensive price bracket, so direct her there maybe? This will make it clear you don’t intend to lend her yours no matter what.

www.asos.com/women/discover/hirestreet/

I have had this with my oldest friend- one time I went to visit and she saw me wearing something and said ooh I love that- I’m having that for a while and I’ll send it back to you. I said my son had just bought it for me for my birthday and I would pass it on to her in a few months time. When I packed and left her house, it was in my suitcase. When I got home, it was gone- she openly said she had taken it to wear for a wedding and why was I so pissed off, it’s just a dress… also she had a habit of going through my wardrobe when she came to stay with me ( lives in another country) and would cherry pick stuff to take home.

you have a weird friend

@Jiminycrickets

It is definitely OK to say you don't want to lend your clothes out! I won't even lend them to family! My niece borrowed a cardigan of mine when she was at home (from Uni) one Easter.. (Some 10 years ago.) It was 7 months before I got it back (nearly Christmas!) I had had it since the 1980s, and really treasured this cardigan. Annoyingly she 'accidently' packed it when she went back to Uni!

She never brought it back (as promised) in July - when she came home for summer, and she went back to Uni in early September. I was fuming when I saw photos of her and her mates on Facebook, and one of her mates had my fucking cardigan on. (This was mid October.) Not being funny, but she was 2-3 dress sizes bigger than me, and her arms were bigger and thicker, and her back was broader. So she was fucking stretching it!

We went to see my niece in late November that same year, and stayed for 2 nights/3 days in a Travelodge, (and went to look around her Uni town.) I MADE her find the cardigan out and refused to leave without it. She said she didn't know where it was. I said 'well find it please. It's mine. You were only meant to borrow it for one day when you were home!' She mooched around in her wardrobe and said she can't find it. I said 'maybe go and ask Lexi, as I saw her wearing it on a picture the other week - on Facebook!' She went to Lexi's room, and stayed about 5 minutes then came back with the cardigan. Gave it back begrudgingly!

Honestly, I fucking HATE lending things to people, and you have to practically beg to get them back! You end up feeling like you're doing something wrong by asking for your own fucking stuff. Also, most people I know who borrow stuff are always reluctant to return it. You have to ask a dozen times, and end up feeling like a nuisance!

This is a very strange request. Just say no.

See this as a personal development opportuniy for you.

Its 100% agreed from everyone on this thread that she has crossed a boundary and is inappropriate.

Its good that you have noticed that this has unsettled you and made your anxious to feel put in a position to have to take an uncomfortable action.

Dont think that this is a confrontation or that you have to be rude or alternatively a doormat.

You just need to be assertive now. Take back control calmly, proactively and gently say No - expect her to huff and puff - but take yourself out of heer range.

This is a new behaviour for you to learn....practice on her.

get it done...

I mean, my friends & I wouldn’t generally swap/ lend clothes though we did that lots in our teens & early 20s. We would still do it now though for a black tie event, wedding or interview. Something where one of us owns something we are unlikely to be wearing again & another one of us is thinking about buying something to wear once which seems like a waste.

yell her to look up dress rentals like hirestreet if you are not comfortable lending the item she has asked for.

You don't need to be rude. Just say, "Sorry I've decided to not lend out my clothes anymore." If she asks why just say, "because I don't want to, sorry!"

This is unacceptable in any conceivable universe.

100% - but I have a sister the same.....total sense of entitlement but also bizarely cant have her own style. My sister even used to buy shirts/shoes accessories etc to match particular suits of mine before demanding to borrow. She would also pop to my fridge at the end of a party / dinner etc to help herself to a couple of bottles of posh wine. Once she even dropped into my house when I was out and my teens were home to then sneer at the housekeeping (wouldnt do that to my face) and then helped herself to my Easter decorations.

I avoid contact now.

"There's no point in asking me that as I dont lend my clothes to anyone"
"I bought it in [name of shop] if you want one yourself"
then move on....

I'd just be straight with her, rather than making an excuse about the dress being given away / currently with someone else, and just say no sorry (not that you should have to say sorry) but you don't like lending clothes out to people. Hopefully that will also put her off asking again. When I was younger I had friends who were always borrowing my clothes and my mum used to say to me that when I wear the clothes other people will think I'm the borrowing off my friends, which I wasn't that bothered about but there were a few times things were returned to me damaged or I'd have to chase to get them back.

I'm in my 40s now and I can't imagine anyone asking to borrow clothes but occasionally I've had people ask to borrow money and that is also a no, I just say I don't lend money to people due to not having it returned too many times (which is also true).

I do too as I don't like being like that.. but for some people it's needed.

Its not being rude tho - its politely, calmly aserting your prefs and boundaries.

I would also see it as doing the 'offender' a favour - they then might reflect on their own behaviours/assumption and socially adapt

I'd say no and that's across the board, so never a borrower or a lender be! Seen too many fall out over borrowed / never returned / broken items, so I have a rule that says I value friendship over items, so always a no.

"oh yes the dress... You know I've been thinking about that and I'm afraid my answer is no. I just don't lend out my clothes."