Maybe it's time to separate after 25 years

[atacrossroadstoday]

Met DH 25 years ago. He'd been separated from his ex-partner for a year (she left him for someone else) and had two DDs age 8 and 6.

We dated quietly and all was fine until his ex found out about us after a year and went wild. I'm talking smashing up property and physical attacks. I should've walked away then but didn't. She had severe mental health issues and life was pretty traumatic. I think I got caught up in saviour syndrome, trying to smooth everything and calm situations and brokering agreements.

We bumbled along and eventually married but DDs never accepted me, partly as the ex said I split the family up and their dad had an affair with me, which wasn't true.

The ex died quite unexpectedly when the girls were at university. It was a hard time and we gave continuous support.

Cut to now and both DDs are getting married next year and DH is invited but not me. They've made it clear they don't want me involved or to be part of any future family set up when they have children.

I feel so stupid and exhausted. I've poured years into trying to make it work, including time and huge financial commitments too. And all for nothing.

I'm now at a crossroads. Do I accept this new situation or call it quits and try and build a new life. DH feels in the middle but is excited at the weddings and potential grandchildren.

I feel such a fool.

Any advice?

I'd walk away from your DH if he can't tell his children they need to grow up and behave like adults.
He is at fault for allowing the myth to perpetuate.

I'm 60 now. No children as didn't want to upset the daughters. It's like I've never existed and I'll depart with nothing as everyone else gets to be a family.

I just can't believe I've allowed this to happen. What a stupid, stupid fool.

I really would warn anyone getting involved with someone with children to think very very carefully as it never did get better for me despite consistent effort.

This. They are 2 women in their 30s and you DH should have put them in their place long before now. He should have your back 100%. If My DHs kids tried to exclude me like your SDs are they would be told we come as a pair of not at all. As his wife, you should be his priority, not his kids. Especially now that they are no longer kids.

Thank you @Illpickthatup

I think I've always been the convenient scapegoat for the problems and dynamics in the family and at some level I knew that, but I really believed it would all come good with time. I don't know what I envisioned we would look like as one large family but it wasn't this.

I'm scared of being alone and starting again.

It's a shame you put up with it for so long. It sounds like you're pretty much on your own anyway.

Have you spoken to DH about standing up for you more? How often does he actually see his DDs?

I've talked to him over the years in regard to not feeling backed or protected but it always ends up with him upset and feeling caught in the middle. I then back off to keep the peace. I'd never ask him to put me first, probably cause I know he wouldn't (or would struggle to do so). The thought he'd say no to attending the weddings never even occurred to me!

He's retired and sees them weekly, often going round for lunch and to fix and mend things. I suspect he's let the narrative that I'm to blame for everything and anything run as it let him off with any criticism.

When I met him I had a large group of friends and slowly let them all go and dedicated everything to them. Holidays, Christmas, financial support.

God, I've been truly played, haven't I?

I just don’t understand why he didn’t tell his daughters the truth and get them to behave around you years ago

Well it’s crunch time. I think your hubby needs to be told chose me or loose me and boy you need to mean it. You’ve been taken for granted for far too long and you are alone in your marriage now it seems so leaving him will mean you’re alone and not further alienated. Give him the chance one final time to put you first. If he doesn’t, you need to put you first x

I think he did but possibly in an ambiguous way that still kept me as a home wrecker or the main reason their mum was upset and severely depressed and also quite manic at times through alcohol.

DH is a good man but will do anything for an easy life.

Anyway, we are where we are now. I'm more sort of shocked at the situation and my own stupidity.

It's a horrid feeling to wipe 25 years away

They are all making you a secondary character in your own story. You can't do anything about the time gone, but you can make a future for yourself where you aren't othered.

I don’t understand why you would end a 25 year relationship because your SDs don’t invite you to their weddings. Do you love your husband and want to grow old with him?

I can identify with your anguish having supported my partner who needed my support through serious health issues, a sad bereavement, house clearance which shattered me and probate admin’ issues. His 2 kids did absolutely zilch to support me or care for him.

Just recently I was basically told, out of the blue, Im not family which was a real blow and very hurtful. If I wasn’t family when he needed me, what the hell was I?

Im afraid it’s a losing battle. We either put up or shut up. If you value everything else in your relationship, gracefully step back but just keep this disrespectful situation up your sleeve. Turn your back if they ever, ever, call on you for anything. There might come a day when they need emergency child care. Just remember their slight and leave him to it.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Remember that.

Do not weep the past… what is done is done. Your husband is weak and should have corrected the story arc a long time ago.

Never too late to start again… just do it in you’re own time and manner.

You could live for another 20-30 years. Leave them to it. Who lets their wife be constantly abused and put down over 25 years? You've let it go, so they've just piled more abuse on. Just move on now. You will be alone anyway once his grandchildren turn up because you won't be allowed in.

I think that is what I'm now struggling with. Do I still want that? Is it possible? I think it's feeling more unlikely

Yes, I'm now realising that

Because she is not and never has been her husband's priority. What kind of marriage is that? What kind of way is that to live when the one person in the world who should have your back 100% has allowed you to be excluded and treated like a villain. OP deserves better than this.

I’ll be interested to see how they feel about you once you are a potential option for free childcare.

You really haven't read OP's posts have you? This isn't about the step daughters not inviting OP to their weddings, it's about OP's husband not defending her, not explaining the situation to his DC, because, frankly - he doesn't care. Who wants a partner who doesn't care?

As they say on here - you have a DH problem. It got hidden behind ex wife problem and dsd problem but essentially they were made worse by the DH problem.

You deserve a life OP. Your DH has quietly let you be abused for 25 years and that is not what a good man does. That is a lazy and selfish man pretending to be good.

EDIT - I didn't read the other posts but now that I have I'm a little freaked out at us all using similar words. Take that as a sign OP.

You may feel 25 wasted but grab the next 25 with both hands.. Get a dcat op. Much more loyal
. Your dh isn't very dear is he? Maybe dick head husband in this instance?
Make sure a solicitor gets you your fair share...

Time to start living life on your terms! Like others have said you could have another 20-30 years. Make them count! You sound a lovely person.

Your husband should have corrected his daughter's misconceptions many many years ago. Clearly they have been manipulated by their Mother, and believed the lies she fed them. Your husband should have nipped this behaviour from his daughter's in the bud, from the start. Even if it meant he had to explain the real reasons why his marriage to their Mother failed. The fact he has continued to allow them to think you're the 'other woman' for 25 years is, quite frankly, shocking. Your husband wouldn't be in the 'middle', if he'd had the balls to deal with his daughter's poor behaviour, years ago! If he isn't prepared to talk to his daughter's, then I can't see the situation ever changing. You aren't welcome now, once grandchildren come along, you'll be pushed out even further. Your husband should be the one person who has your back, yet he's shown, he's not willing too. You need to think long and hard about your future. You're 60, you still have years ahead of you. Don't waste them.

Goodness, that’s tough to read and my heart goes out to you. You’re not stupid at all. But you are worth so so very much more.

My mum started a new life at 60. It’s young these days. She moved to a new country, learnt a new language, met new people, she had a blast! She did it again a while later, she started a new hobby which has turned into a new mini career at 69.

She’s been single for 15+ years and she’s incredibly happy and fulfilled. She has so many friends made at an older age than you are.

If you get divorced you’ve got some hassle and heartache to tackle first but once it’s done just imagine the life you could have ahead of you, with happiness, true peace, adventure, new friends, maybe a gorgeous man who actually deserves you.

But whatever it is it’s a fuck ton better than the sadness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, understandable resentment and regret you have right now. He’s a weak weak man who’s stolen decades of your life but you hopefully have several more so choose bravery and possibility. Leave these bastards in your past.