To chose holiday over baby?

[Thelittleenginethatcouldd]

posting for traffic, posted in chat too

I’ve got 2 lovely children, but since my second was born I’ve known I wanted a third.

we have the space (although would need to upsize in the future) and the car and the income about (120k a year) and some great state schools in the area, as well as very generously discounted nursery for instance FT with 15 hrs is about £550 a month. Our mortgage is small and will get smaller when rates drop (we’ve got a high fix). We pay the max into our pensions (about 15% each), save for the kids. Plenty of progression work wise.

BUT, I spent my entire twenties studying and then fell pregnant quite soon after getting married, and there are so many lovely places I’ve always wanted to visit and things to do.

we could afford to do one big holiday every year ( I shop around, maybe every other year if we went really big the year prior) BUT with another child it would be more like one every 3 years. Now I now this is not really a problem, but I’m so conflicted, and due to my age I just don’t really have the time to kick the can down the road. Has anyone else ever thought this? I can’t bring myself to part with any baby things or clothes and I know I yearn for another, but also I feel like there’s so many wonderful places that I’d love to take my kids and see myself (the Caribbean, California, Maldives, Canada, china, Japan etc)

I’m a penny and the bun person as well as a dreamer, anyone else stood where I’m standing now.

edit to say I’m 35

All deadly boring for children

Yep.
To me, having one is 'having it all'. Best of all worlds.

What nonsense.

I did a lot of travelling in my 20s and then had 3 kids in 30s and kind of forgot about travelling. However then after COVID I went on a European city break and boom the big was back 🤣.

The kids are now 12, 11 and 7 and man it is practically impossible to get a holiday at a decent price for 5 people. The 3rd child increases it a hugely disproportionate amount as you often need an extra room or suite!

However I always wanted a third so not sure if I would always have felt something was missing if I hadn't had one but it has severely hindered the travel options!

Close your eyes op. Image 20 years time. Open them do you remember all those amazing holidays you have taken your two children and the experiences you had or is there a third child/adult by you. Which one and your dh would you prefer? Only you know the answer to this.

I always think this line of argument is a bit weak tbh as technically speaking you roll the dice every time you have a baby or get pregnant. Are the risks for a 35 year old drastically steeper than a 34 year old? Whilst it’s definitely possible and always worth thinking about, the overall risk remains low

If you want a baby, have a baby. An extra child won’t stop you having lovely holidays. A holiday is a week or two a year. I’d do what made me happy the other 50-51 weeks a year because that’s your real life. That may or may not be having another baby, but a holiday once a year wouldn’t stop me from living the life I wanted.

You do roll the dice every time yes, but the chances do get higher the older you get which was my point so they are higher at 35 then you were at 30/32 ish the last time. It’s just something to consider, there’s never a guarantee of a healthy baby and so it’s worth thinking about what life for all of you could look like if the third child had additional needs, and whether in that situation you’d still be content with how family life looks with doctors appointments, hospital checks, no holidays etc. You roll the dice every time and have to be prepared to deal with any outcome . You can find the stats online for chances at say 25 vs 35 x

Also the stakes get bigger every time. Your first child you only have yourselves to consider. Now you have two small children you need to prioritise.

Depends on the gap. My eldest 2 were 12 and 9 when number 3 was born. Didn't worry about things like 3 car seats etc. And only ever took 3 at a time on holiday once. DD1 had moved out by the time DS started school

but anyone at any age could have a child with additional needs

if that happens then that’s the end of any holidays and possibly one of the parents giving up work to care for the child full time

its a risk everyone takes

My eldest and youngest were 8 years apart, so three could fit in the back of a large hire car. They’ve always been close. We usually went to gites or eurocamp etc when they were younger so could just squish everyone in.
as I said, I have the sense that everyone is here that should be. It’s been great having three, does feel like a little gang.

Yes, but the point is the risk is greater at an older age.

For a woman under 30 the chances of having a baby with Down’s Syndrome is less than 1 in 1000. For a woman at 35 it is 1 in 400, by 42 the risk is 1 in 60. Yes, both are a risk, and it’s a risk you take when you have a baby, but the point is the risk is bigger the older you get.

It’s about measuring and accepting the risk, and being content with whatever life may look like.

It’s a risk assessment like anything else in life and it’s not immaterial to acknowledge that the risk is higher for older mum’s.

To that point though I had both of my kids above 30, and yes the risk does increase but we have genetic testing done early (and would continue to do so) and then make an informed decision there after

I agree 😂 good on her

You can’t detect autism but that’s fair enough. You’ve always got to assume that the child would absolutely change everything and are you happy for that to happen?

Of course, that’s why I say it’s a risk that only you can decide if you are content to take. It’s a personal decision and everyone has their own stance, it’s just something to factor in to any decision making and as another poster has suggested, there is no test for ND, and unless you’re going to have full testing as opposed to just the combined screening, it’s not 100%. So it’s a case of knowing life could look very different with a third child who has additional needs, whether that is physical care needs or a child with ND who needs you there and would really perhaps struggle with the kind of trips you mention, or may even require one of you to give up working to stay with them and so the drop in income means everyone’s lifestyle changes.

As I say, it’s a risk. We discussed all of these things before having our daughter and were happy that we really wanted a baby, we accepted whatever life may look like, whatever person she ended up being, we would never have regretted it. If you feel the same then go for it :)

No you definitely can’t detect autism, and depending on severity that would impact things and we’d have to adapt. But I think it goes without saying it wouldn’t be our preference

we do the full NIPT testing, which whilst not a diagnostic test does provide an indication of a pretty wide array of genetic conditions, including micro deletions.

If you want 3, that urge is never going to go away and holidays probably won't compensate. 35 is a good age for another baby and they would all grow up together. Lots of my friends had the urge for 3, they left it, and had the third in their forties and the third grew up almost as an only child. I knew I didn't want this so we cracked on and best decision we made. Seems people can stamp on the urge for 3 for a number of years but then when your fertility is waining the urge gets very strong and can no longer be ignored. Sounds like you are in a great position financially...with promotions, inheritance and any bonuses etc i'm sure you can achieve it all. Good luck.

We have 3 kids. We always wanted 3 but we dithered a lot, due to the age gap as our lives was easier already, travelling was fun, lots of money but I just knew I wasn’t done. When he was born, I knew in that instant that we were done. He’s 1 and we just went on the first long haul with him some weeks ago and it wasn’t bad, he’s still free now anyway but what I know is when we need to start paying for 3 children for holidays, we’ll have more money and can easily afford it as for one, we won’t be paying nursery fees anymore. We have a 10 year age gap though between DC1 and 3 but in a way, it’s a blessing in disguise as we won’t have to fund 3 university fees at the same time for example

I'd recommend have a try for another child. You say you don't want IVF so during the next 5 years or so you'll know whether one is still possible at all.

We prioritised freedom after one child. It's because we were both severely impacted by sleep deprivation/post natal anxiety
and couldn't cope with the thought of another. Now our son is five, we've had amazing holidays and trips as a family, even a six-month sabbatical travelling, on top of a generous 18 months maternity leave.

I don't regret any of this, it's been awesome. But now we can't conceive anymore (I'm 43, hubby is 41) and we don't want IVF either. I had a miscarriage this year and it affected me more than I expected -- I actually really wanted that little bub, a sister or brother for our son.

Kids grow. When they're older, you can have it all. Maybe not a massive trip overseas all the time, but smaller family holidays and occassional international trips. But you won't be able to have kids forever.

Then again, maybe it's easy for me to say because we had travelled extensively before having a kid so I don't feel like I've had to give up on too much.

You're putting 15% into pensions. If you really want both, would reducing that down slightly make it possible? You are paying off a house and putting aside other savings so you won't end up in poverty in your old age, just less affluence. You are looking to retire at 60, could you move that to 62? I think you could do both if your dh is on board. If he isn't you'll end up spending the money found for holidays on other things.

I’d say take the kids on a trip, then come back and don’t prevent. See what happens.

travel has sucked since Covid. Most places are swamped and burnt out and DGAF just a less pleasant experience. Unless maybe you’re going high end all inclusive.

plus you might discover you don’t like travelling with kids. It’s nice and can be done, but needs to be slow travel, or just different.

Can you not do both? Babies dont have to stop you travelling? Your kids are still young. Take them and experience some of the worlds cultures

She wouldn't be able to afford it, she already said.