To chose holiday over baby?

[Thelittleenginethatcouldd]

posting for traffic, posted in chat too

I’ve got 2 lovely children, but since my second was born I’ve known I wanted a third.

we have the space (although would need to upsize in the future) and the car and the income about (120k a year) and some great state schools in the area, as well as very generously discounted nursery for instance FT with 15 hrs is about £550 a month. Our mortgage is small and will get smaller when rates drop (we’ve got a high fix). We pay the max into our pensions (about 15% each), save for the kids. Plenty of progression work wise.

BUT, I spent my entire twenties studying and then fell pregnant quite soon after getting married, and there are so many lovely places I’ve always wanted to visit and things to do.

we could afford to do one big holiday every year ( I shop around, maybe every other year if we went really big the year prior) BUT with another child it would be more like one every 3 years. Now I now this is not really a problem, but I’m so conflicted, and due to my age I just don’t really have the time to kick the can down the road. Has anyone else ever thought this? I can’t bring myself to part with any baby things or clothes and I know I yearn for another, but also I feel like there’s so many wonderful places that I’d love to take my kids and see myself (the Caribbean, California, Maldives, Canada, china, Japan etc)

I’m a penny and the bun person as well as a dreamer, anyone else stood where I’m standing now.

edit to say I’m 35

This thread explains very clearly why the planet is doomed.

Smaller familes are NOT better for the enviroment.

I say this to anyone considering a third but, ask yourself also what would you do if your ‘third’ was twins. I have twins, had them in my 30’s, no family history - chances just are much higher in your mid to late 30’s.
I assume your current children are happy and healthy; could you and your family cope with a child that had additional needs?
I always say plan for absolutely every eventuality.

I would wait and see, you probably still have a few fertile years left.

Go on a few big holidays in the next few years.
You might find that it satisfies your wanderlust or you'll find it becomes more and you'll have your answer.

OP saud she wanted to take the kids not go on her own when they are older, but why waste a good holiday to the Maldives on an 8 year old who will have a far better time in a waterpark in Greece?

We did a big holiday this year, just came back actually, hence why the topic has come up now as we’d waited until we had this holiday.

I'm a very keen traveller but started later in life and then COVID and then our first baby. So didn't get nearly as much in as I wished and also would love to have more babies, and totally get where you're coming from.

Personally I would have the third baby and then look at how to travel as a family.

That could be getting a camper van and doing the UK and France a lot, it could be home swaps for accomodation and driving across Europe, it could also be that your income increases or you delay and enjoy travelling later on when you can't have any more babies.

We thought about 3 too, but decided to stick at 2. It's not just the holidays, though we also love travelling and had an adventurous sailing holiday this summer in Greece and Croatia with DC 9 and 7 (wouldn't have been possible with another pre-school DC).

It's all of the freedoms: my mental health (depression after both pregnancies); money; nights out with friends (couldn't trust either my mother in law or our teenage neighbour to babysit a small child!); time to do things as a couple; private school or the ability to move house to a more expensive (ie same size or smaller) house in the catchment area of a great state school.

That said, if I'd started younger, been mentally more robust, or had more support, I'd have loved another baby!

Sounds to me like you need to think about whether you want a 3rd, holiday or not. It sounds like you had 3 kids in your head, then put a ' one last holiday' in place and now are thinking up other reasons not to have another. Maybe ask yourself if you actually want a 3rd. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind about how many DC's you want over time.

No advice other than we started TTC when I was 36 and it was just over 3 years before we were able to bring a baby home.

I don't think your 5 and 3 year old get to have much of a say (in either holiday destination or another sibling)

If I'd asked my older two at that age for their input, we'd have ended up with a litter of puppies and a month in DisneyWorld 😂

Tbh I would've liked more children but chose to stick at 2 and none of your reasons were considered ha! For me it was how convenient 2 are compared to 3. My.2 have a lovely relationship. 3 is an odd number and I can't be sure personalities wouldn't clash or one be left out. I only have 2 hands and if I go put alone with them I want to feel that I can keep them properly safe. I want them to be able to pursue whatever clubs they want but they only have 2 parents- at the moment 1 could go to 1 club with 1 child and the other with the other even if there was a clash of times but with 3, we would have to decide who gets to go to their choice. We would need a bigger car which is inconvenient. I don't like putting a child in the middle seat and we have bigger rear facing seats which don't leave much space anyway. Childbirth is a risk and I can never be sure how it would go - each time women risk dying or becoming permanently injured. Basically I could go on but it isn't finances or space or holidays or any of that. It's just I think if I am thinking about what is in my existing children's best interests and not mine, the answer is to stick with just them.

Why does nobody ever mention emotional bandwidth?! For me, this is the biggest consideration when thinking of having another child. Their problems only get bigger as they get older.

I have waved my third off to uni, lots of travels planned for myself and DH.
we had great holidays with the children too, lots of adventures but mostly in Europe. It was amazing.
I’m so glad I had three children.
when I had my third I felt completely as if I had had all of ‘my’ children, and have never been broody since.

I think I’m really thinking about it because #3 is such a big deal as it isn’t just slotting an extra place on, especially over 2 years of age. It’s a big lifestyle change.

fundamentally it’s easier not to have another , in so many ways, but I would just love one, and that’s the thing

My kids definitely do get a say on where we go on holiday (within reason)

sibling well if they said that they definitely didn’t want one, and were consistent in that, then that would be a huge reason to not have anymore for me

2 kids is enough, see the world while it's possible to do so and before we destroy the planet @Thelittleenginethatcouldd

I really wouldn’t put too much sway on what a 3 and 5 year old say they want in terms of holidays and definitely not in terms of potential future siblings.

Only you can decide what you would regret most in 20 years time, not having a third, or having less amazing trips with the family you have?

For me personally if having a third would mean not being able to give my children the experiences etc that I want to give them, regardless of whether that’s a month in the Caribbean or a weekend at Haven, I’d choose to give the children I have the life I want for them.

But it’s a hugely personal decision and only you can know what you’d most regret.

I'd personally choose the third child. Other countries aren't going anywhere. And the kind of holidays I dream off wouldn't be fun at all with young children, whether two or three, so I wouldn't be jetting off to Japan until they're teenagers at least. I love history etc but at the moment I just have holidays with things for DC to enjoy. They're happy with Butlins!

Oh god mine love butlins!

It’s not so much of a sway as to a) a response to a poster who said their kids would prefer Blackpool over a sibling, and b) we do include them in the decision making process of where we go (within reason) and we generally keep them in mind, but if they consistently told me they didn’t want another sibling then I’d take that on board

You do pretty much have it all though - husband, kids, career, affordable childcare, decent house, decent income

Why mess it up to have more of what you already have, rather than the thing you don’t have which is time and money to travel?

Get a kitten, plan your holiday for next year and start planning your grey gap year once the kids have gone.

They’d love the med a lot more, I can tell you.

Do you want another baby or another child? I often feel like I’d love another baby but actually when I really think I don’t want three children, I just want another baby, if that makes sense?

This is my thought process! If you can give the two you’ve got the life you’d dream of, why risk it! The more friends have babies the more you realise how uncertain pregnancy/birth/the blessing of healthy children can be taken for granted sometimes.

When I first read your post I thought it didn’t resonate at all (maybe because we’re interested in different types of holidays!) but actually I understand the dilemma. Kids are 6 and 3. I would love to have a baby. Love being pregnant, love little babies and love the excitement of a whole new person. But I don’t actually much enjoy toddlerhood. And I am quite influenced by the holiday factor eg the absolute smallest gap we could have between oldest and youngest is 7 years. When you’re catering for kids 7 years apart that’s quite limiting. Feel like there are loads of activities we can enjoy as a 4, really quite soon, like family board games and good outdoor walks etc, that a baby (and particularly an eg just 2 year old) would stop happening. And if we have a third we’d never have that experience of a coherent unit that can enjoy the same things at the same time, rather than just constant juggling of different needs, right up until they start disappearing off to uni. I am also older than you. If we’d started younger or managed a smaller gap it might have made sense. But now I think life looks better (for all of us) with 2. I get it though! The urge is strong.