My brother and his girlfriend announced their pregnancy and my mum asked me in front of everyone if I was jealous *MNHQ adding CW for CSA*

[awown]

I knew my mum would do this. She has always accused me since I was a child if I was jealous of my brother. Like when he got his first job and birthdays etc

I'm not jealous at all. I'm very happy for them. She's always played games and made me out to be the family villain almost.

I have 3 kids of my own. I've never done any announcements etc, I've always just told everyone. And she kept looking at me and being very strange

Then came sat next to me and kept asking me loudly are you okay??? As in jealous

I'm down at the minute in general because I'm having health issues but that is all. I've not been myself in a while and she knew this I had told her this. I also asked her to keep this a secret and she announced that at everyone too whilst laughing about it.

I knew she'd do that and she's stirred it in the family saying I'm jealous.

I think I'm going to cut her off. She has always made me out to be a liar, over dramatic and jealous. I'm none of those things. I'm perfectly normal and a good sibling at that. I'm always encouraging and so happy for my family when something good happens.

She just uses me to stir drama. She did it growing up. She'd turn everyone against me.

She massively massively favours my brother he is her golden child. With my three children she was very unbothered. Even when they were born it was oh okay. With my brother she's happy crying all the time. Has photos of him as a baby on her phone and is extremely excited. She even made the comment I'll finally be a grandparent. I have three children. My grandparents also commented on her posts saying we will finally be great grandparents

My family couldn't make it more obvious they do not consider me a part of it or even like me. They have done this to me since I was a child. Even when I got into uni my grandad reaction was "you'll just quit like you do with everything". I was 17 I'd never quit anything before.

Then my mum creating the hatred towards me over being jealous because they are having a baby is crazy. I'm no longer with my partner so I'm assuming that's why she thinks I'd be jealous? I have no idea how I'd possibly be jealous when I have three wonderful children of my own?

Do I cut my family off?

@awown yes you do.

It sounds very similar to my family.

My brother is 6 years older than me - he's the golden child.

My mother freely admits she never wanted a girl. I never fit in always the scapegoat. Vile things said about me constantly.

My dad tells people I died in a car crash.

I went no contact 5 years ago - with my entire family.

Best thing I ever did - like a weight lifted instantly

The advice I'd give alongside it though is - don't ask people about them and if people tell you things about them, stop them and say I don't want to know thanks.

So sorry you're going through this.

@beanii I'm really sorry you went through this too.

My mum actively has said she wishes she had all boys and when my little boy was born, she was there as a birthing partner and said finally a baby you'll really enjoy having and I said what? She said he's a boy thinking I'd feel the same. She's also said how did it happen to me I got girls

My brothers girlfriend is like this too desperate to have a boy and wants all boys

Thinking of it neither of them have any same sex friends. Which is so strange to me because I love my friends and the company of other women and couldn't imagine life without it

That sounds horrible, and terrible for your mental health. I would definitely cut them all off, maybe keep in touch with your brother if he isn't party to this mental abuse. Block the rest and don't look back, you don't need that in your life, you sound like you'd be much happier without them

Sweet jesus, for your own MH cut her out. What a horrible thing to say, "I'll finally be a grandparent" for your kids sake get this toxic woman out your life.

I've done the same since last year, weirdly I never found it difficult. I haven't missed her drama and the fact she never really bothered. Made out I put "men" first. When in fact she did this when I was growing up. I had a partner, had three beautiful babies but it didn't work out. She was thrilled because she thought she could then take over the control of me. Funny thing, I met someone , she loved him at first, then realised that she had lost control of me because he helped me get my power back. He called her out and then suddenly he was a villain.

Honestly, the best thing i did was cut her off. Yes it's hard at times as she was the closest member of family, albeit an hour away by car (my dad lives in Australia) I get lonely but I have my kids and friends and my partner.

Are the grandparents who also made the sly comment her parents by any chance?? If so, the apple didnt fall far from the tree. Its extreemly toxic behaviour, not only to you but also to your children and i dont think a sain minded person would like less of you for cutting them all out. Do you have a good relationship with DB and DSIL?

Yes cut her off I have a similar situation n last year I just blocked my mother on everything since then I feel like a weight as been lifted ❤️

I was going to say same as @HoppityBun
scapegoating is a thing in dysfunctional families.

im sorry this is happening to you 💐

Racism. Hence why they wouldn't look at your first born. Racism

So your mum has carried on the toxic parenting from her parents.
Be proud that YOU are the one who will break this cycle.
YOU are the one who will not let her children suffer and be ignored and discarded while others are treated.

it really sounds like you had an horrendous childhood which continued as an adult. They all sound deranged. Eveything they bring into your and your children's lives, is detrimental to your health and happiness. I would have NO issue at going non contact at all , purely to protect my children.

I'd wish your DB and partner well with their baby. Be there for them if you want that, but make him aware you will no longer be the family's punchbag.

This.

awown · 08/09/2024 16:50
I have no idea what as a child I did to make them hate me so much

OP you did nothing wrong, I promise. They are the problem. You're the target. It's so hard to accept that parents can be like this for no reason. It's unnatural.

Denying the grand (and great grand) children they already have is beyond vile. It doesn't seem like this can be salvaged. Do what's best for you and your children xx

Just cut them off. Live your life. Be happy with your children. Don't expose them to any more abuse.

I was my family's scapegoat. Do yourself a favour and quit. You don't need that shit. Do they have conversations with you that feel like they're gathering ammunition against you? Know anything you say will be used against you. Anything good is thanks to something/someone else helping you, anything bad is always 100% your fault.

It's not you, it has never been you- they are the problem. Don't make a big song and dance about leaving, don't say anything- just distance yourself until there's no contact.

I left it years, but I have some contact now. I'm civil, but fairly careful what I share, and with who.

Having been in a similar situation myself, I can say it took me years to realise that it wasn't me, I couldn't have done anything to deserve the treatment I got. I was a kid, they were adults. Going NC was the best thing for me and it would be the best thing for you too. If your lot are anything like mine, they will barely notice you're not around and your life will be so much more peaceful.

So so toxic!! Absolutely cut contact.

My Dads mum favoured boys also and when I was born she walked into the room and said ‘not another f*cking lassie’. Few months later they were pregnant with my sibling and my dad vowed if she had nothing nice to say/made no contact before they were born then he would cut contact. He did exactly that and we have never had any relationship (funnily enough my brother is still the only
grandson 🤷🏼‍♀️)

If this is effecting you so much definitely cut contact before your kids pick up on these behaviours.

@awown
I've not read the whole thread but I have read your posts, I think your mother is extremely dysfunctional and disordered, she does not have a cohesive enough personality structure to cope with the guilt of what she has done that she has allowed her husband to abuse her children. I think she has projected all the onto you because she can't handle any of it, I doubt that she has the intellect and/or self awareness to understand any of these processes.
None of what has happened is your fault. I hope you can find some therapy or someway to process and untangle everything to make sense of things and find some peace.

Yes absolutely - I went no contact with my ‘family’ 8.5 years ago. It is the single act in my life that I have not regret over whatsoever! Your children also do not need to be harmed by seeing how differently she will treat her new grandchild compared to them.

The "going to be a (great-) grandparent" remarks just seem inexplicable, especially if you're 100% sure you're not adopted. Do they usually refer to your dc as their gc, expect to be called granny / granddad etc?