Please settle a household coffee debate!

[Flippingflamingo]

Husband drinks coffee
Wife doesn’t not drink coffee, or tea, or any hot drinks.

Wife does online food shop order each week
Husband visits a supermarket 3-4 times a week to buy lunch on his break
Wife does not usually buy coffee on weekly food shop as it’s not a weekly routine purchase

Husband maintains wife should check household coffee supplies and replenish as needed
Wife maintains husband should tell wife when coffee is needed to add to the order. Or husband should buy it himself on his lunch break!

So as the wife… AIBU?

Up to husband who drinks coffee to say we need more coffee!

It's not about the coffee

Because you don't NEED coffee, yes i know people say they do, but you definitely need tampons etc

2 mins of my life I won't get back 🥱

The coffee drinker needs to either buy it or add it to the list.

So she doesn't need tampons. There are alternatives. Frankly it doesn't matter in our house. My husband would buy me tampons. I would buy him coffee. Indeed he tends to do the weekly shop and he buys what people in the household need whether he uses it or not. The point is just buy for the entire household and not separate needs and wants

I certainly don't check my DH's deodorant or shower gel! He takes responsibility for buying those personal items himself. Similarly, I take responsibility for buying my own shower gel, shampoo, deodorant and moisturiser etc.

I don't check them either. Sensibly we have one on the go and one in a cupboard so we don't run out. So if I use mine and happen to see he is using his last one I top up. But it just goes back to why is everyone being so pissy about doing something normal like buying things people in the household use?

Frankly it's bizarre

We have a notepad list on the fridge, everyone just adds things to the list then either me or DH will go and buy everything on the list. I will occasionally check with the teens to see if they need anything but haven't thought to add it to the list, but as a general rule, if it's not on the list, it won't get bought!

I'm similar to you OP, in that I don't have hot drinks (except hot Ribena when I'm in need of something warm!), but DH and the teens all drink tea and coffee. I wouldn't have a clue what our current reserves of coffee or tea bags are, and I wouldn't think to buy them if they weren't on the list, so YANBU!

Yes unreasonable. My DH is in charge of the online shop. I’m a vegetarian and do a lot of bread baking so need specific food and replenishing of flour. He always checks and makes sure we have enough. He also checks my toothpaste and makes sure I have enough tampons. It’s just a decent partnership where you make sure each other feel taken care of surely.

Because we don't do a regular weekly shop? He buys personal items at lunchtime, I buy them when I go shopping. We both like to have the autonomy to chose what flavour shower gel we want on an ad hoc basis. If they didn't have his preferred deodorant in (whatever that is), I wouldn't know what to substitute it with. A jar of moisturiser lasts me for months and I make a special journey into town to buy it - I wouldn't expect or ask DH to buy it unless he was going by the shop.

This would be perfection! 😂

To the person who asked if it was a financial thing not wanting to pay for it- we have a joint account to cover food shop etc. money doesn’t come into it.

Also coffee is probably purchased every 6-8 weeks in our house, it’s not a regular item.

Seriously @Flippingflamingo I think pp made a great suggestion - put 4 bags into your next shop so you're covered for the next few months, then get him a coffee subscription as a Christmas present! At least you'll not have to think about it for a year.

I don’t really see why you object to just checking the coffee every few weeks if family shopping is the role you have taken on. To say he should buy it himself because you don’t use it seems very petty.
It’s just a huge amount of extra work! I’d have to check the coffee every time before I go shopping. And check his deodorant, shave balm, moisturiser, shampoo, aftershave, which I also don’t use. Check his biscuits and cans of pop and beer and crisps. Why don’t I just do an inventory of the whole house on the off chance that something might be running out?

It’s ridiculous. I’m not going to waste time going round the house checking stocks of every item. If something is running out he needs to put it on the list. Then I shop from the list.

I am confused by all the posters saying "you can't check the cupboards before every shop!"

Erm, how else do you know what's running low and you need to buy then??!!

In this house, we have a list on the side of the fridge based on the coming 2 weeks meal plan. Whoever is doing the shopping takes a copy but then does a quick scan in the cupboards/fridge/freezer to see what else looks low and also usually asks the non-shoppers "is there anything you need?" - these things then all get added to the list.

I'd hate to live in a house where the person doing the shopping only ever buys the things they use themself but never the items used by others - to me that's incredibly selfish.

I have my coffee on subscription. It’s delivered 3 weekly which fits with my usage and is nicer than supermarket and supports small business.

But before this DH would add to the shopping if any hint of running low. Not worth it to him to experience uncaffeinated wife!

We have a google sheets list and whoever is going shopping will give advanced notice to the other to check the list/add anything else.

Or do you what would be easier than all that?

"DH - you need anything added to the shopping list?"

Yanbu.

We have a shared not on our phone which we keep a shopping list on. If one person realises we need something it goes on the list. Next person to do shopping buys stuff on the list.

it shouldn’t be down to one person.

Sorry but if you are doing a full shop that includes things you don't personally use. I buy all kinds of things I actively dislike even. If he wants to get fussy about coffee then fair enough to object to chasing around buying it but as long as it's a jar a gold blend or a bag of standard beans then put them in when they are low

I am confused by all the posters saying "you can't check the cupboards before every shop!"

Erm, how else do you know what's running low and you need to buy then??!!

If something is running low the person who used it last and noticed it’s running low adds it to the list. So I don’t need to check the cupboards - I just look at the list. If it’s not on the list then obviously it isn’t running low… because if it was running low it would have been added to the list.

If something is running low and the last person who used it failed to add it to the list, it’s that person’s fault when it runs out. I won’t waste my time compensating for other people’s failings. If you use something and there not much left you need to add it to the list, end of discussion.

You know what’s even easier? When he needs something he adds it to the list without me having to prompt him!

OP does not object to buying the coffee, she just wants to be told when they are low

So the husband knows he’s the only coffee drinker, knows when he’s ran out, goes to the shop almost daily but the wife is still unreasonable not to ask him/mind read/order coffee on a weekly based on the off chance her husband has run out? This place is bonkers at times. Husband should start making a list of items needed/somehow incapable of buying on his own time for the big shop. Tough titties if he doesn’t mention it and it’s not there. If he has a problem he can start taking over the big shop altogether.

Buy an whiteboard / Alexa / install shared shopping app......