Please settle a household coffee debate!

[Flippingflamingo]

Husband drinks coffee
Wife doesn’t not drink coffee, or tea, or any hot drinks.

Wife does online food shop order each week
Husband visits a supermarket 3-4 times a week to buy lunch on his break
Wife does not usually buy coffee on weekly food shop as it’s not a weekly routine purchase

Husband maintains wife should check household coffee supplies and replenish as needed
Wife maintains husband should tell wife when coffee is needed to add to the order. Or husband should buy it himself on his lunch break!

So as the wife… AIBU?

We have a similar set up here and I do the shopping online weekly.

I also say to DH and kids does anyone need anything before I press buy. That is their opportunity. If they don't speak up it's missed.

We have a shared online list, when someone uses the last of anything or notices it's running low, they add it to the list, and then I check that list before going shopping. Otherwise I'd be checking the supply level of all our essentials every time, not just coffee or tea, which doesn't make sense. I also ask everyone if there's anything else to go on the list, or if there's anything special anyone wants.

No, she should only buy things she knows they (the family) need or want.
If the DH doesn't communicate that need, do you expect her to buy one of everything in the shop?

Or is there perhaps a way of narrowing that down, some sort of written criteria of what to buy.... perhaps there should be, like, an app for this... I'm onto a winner here!

I do all the grocery shopping but I always have extras of things so there's always an extra pack of DH's tea for example (I just check the gaps in the larder). But he'll write things on the shopping list which is fine. Certainly wouldn't blame me if I didn't get something he wanted!

Whiteboard in the kitchen. Anything anyone notices is running low/out or fancies or needs gets scrawled on there. Next person to shop virtually or in person picks it up and wipes the board when they have done so. Shares the load, courteous to all, no arguments. Couldn’t bear to squabble about such trivia.

Do you not ask when ordering the shop, does anyone need anything from the supermarket this week? Surely that’s common cutesy to the household? Teens might need tooth paste or shower gel, husband might need coffee etc? If you do that and he doesn’t tell you then it’s not your problem.

No, she should only buy things she knows they (the family) need or want.
If the DH doesn't communicate that need, do you expect her to buy one of everything in the shop?

No, I would expect her to check the cupboards and make sure they weren't running low on anything before finalising the order. IMO, that's just a basic part of doing the weekly food shop.

This is me and my DP.
If it's thing one eats that the other doesn't, or checking whether the other needs deodrant when doing a shop, then we give a quick shout of "do you need/want anything added to the shop before I put it in?"
If we forget to add or get, one of us will usually casually mention it to say we've run out, and whoever goes to the shop in the mean time will just grab it.

@Bjorkdidit

nothing to do with it being the woman, everything to do with being the person doing the household shop.

Petrol analogy doesn't work. It's not avail on the family shop she's already doing. It's an entirely different 'job'

@Flippingflamingo

is it a money thing. My friends wife is supposed to buy the groceries, he pays for (literally) everything else. But she skimps/doesn't buy things he needs or wants. He resents having to buy groceries, because it's supposed to be her expense.

if the scenario was reversed would the husband be expected to check for example counting tampons to see if more were needed? Just put it in the list, and if he runs out , he can ask to put it on the list, do without or buy it when he goes in shop himself, all seems a bit of a waste of breath to be fair. The old adage of pick your battles comes to mind x

I find this baffling. Why would a non-coffee drinker be interested in the state of the house's coffee supplies?

I love oranges-dp doesn't. He loves bananas -I don t. He buys oranges when he shops. I buy bananas when I do. Because that is normal behaviour. FFS.

I think because when you order weekly shopping for the household, you include everyone’s needs in the household ?

@Makingchocolatecake · Today 09:41
'I would say basics like toothpaste and tampons are staples, especially as youmight need them last minute. Coffee is only a staple if you drink it. We don't even have any in our house because no one drinks it.'

What about guests and visitors? I drink it now, but didn't when I was younger. We would keep some in for visitors though.

This is what we have a joint family shopping list app for. Dh does all the food shopping in our house. If I need anything in the weekly shop I put it on the list and he buys it. Easy!

Also-how about "Just doing the list, Fred- how are you off for coffee?" "Oh, could you get some, please?" "OK"

Also normal behaviour.

Because when you do the family food shop, you're buying for everyone, not just yourself?

OP according to some people on this thread you should do everything and your dh shouldn't even have to think about it. Thinking about what he needs is a woman's job.

Clearly husband needs to tell you when it's running low. I don't understand his point of view at all.

A few years ago Alexa added "Gold Bars" to our shopping list! We never did fathom what we'd asked for.

We use Ocado and just keep editing the order over the space of a week. We both have the app, so it takes seconds to add items on the go. I think we've had one missing item and 2 subs in the past 6 months.

No, the reason she should do the "thinking" here is because she's the one who does the family food shop. Which means buying for the whole family.

If her DH was the one doing the food shop and kept forgetting to buy her something only she used, MN would probably be telling her to LTB for strategic incompetence!

Yes, we have a list. My husband adds items to it as needed and I do the food ordering.

Your kids can manage it but men shouldn't have to think you know. They've got a wife to do that for them.

This. Why is it always on the wife? It makes me laugh in supermarkets when the wife asks the husband if they have enough of something at home. Husband invariably replies that he doesn’t know😂 why would he?

Of course not. But having to check the stock levels of something you never use is extra faff. I don’t check DH’s coffee - he tells me when he’s started the last and I pick up another 2 or 3. If I routinely popped a packet into the shop, he’d either run out randomly, or we’d build up a coffee mountain.