Please settle a household coffee debate!

[Flippingflamingo]

Husband drinks coffee
Wife doesn’t not drink coffee, or tea, or any hot drinks.

Wife does online food shop order each week
Husband visits a supermarket 3-4 times a week to buy lunch on his break
Wife does not usually buy coffee on weekly food shop as it’s not a weekly routine purchase

Husband maintains wife should check household coffee supplies and replenish as needed
Wife maintains husband should tell wife when coffee is needed to add to the order. Or husband should buy it himself on his lunch break!

So as the wife… AIBU?

FFS - you're a married couple not a student houseshare.

It’s a joint issue, I do the weekly order on a Wednesday for delivery Thursday. Everyone knows this and knows to mention if they want something I also have a board on the kitchen wall that anyone can add things to if they open the last bag of sugar or whatever or they just fancy jammie dodgers. If I remember I will shout out before I hit the pay button.

Apart from the fact that she is the one doing the family shopping? Does each item need to be shopped for by the person who uses it individually?

OP, if your DH drinks coffee regularly, presumably it needs to be bought on a fairly regular basis, so just buy some!

Or if it must be bought by the user, maybe he could set up a subscribe and save on Amazon and save you the huge bother.

I don’t have the money or the cupboard space to buy stuff in advance. If we don’t need it right now then I’d prefer to buy it when we do need it.

I argue with DH because he thinks I should do a sweep of the house before I go shopping and check the stock of every item. Whereas I think that’s fucking ridiculous and if something is running out he needs to add it to the list! If he fails to add it to the list he won’t get it. I’m not psychic - how am I supposed to know something is running out if I don’t use it?

We’re another household with a communal list - if you use something up it or need something buying, put it on the list. If it’s not on the list it’s not being bought 🤷‍♀️

Household of 6 with 4 dc and they all get it. DH and I both do the shopping depending on who can be bothered.

But it's only a staple for the DH. Why are so many people saying that its the OPs responsibility to maintain the pretence of the coffee fairy? He's not 6.

In his defence you must be checking the stock levels of other items so why not the coffee? In our house we have a list system so myself, Dh or the children add things to the list when we are running low and this list is checked when anyone does a supermarket shop.

You need to think of a product that only you use. Tampons on sanitary towels for example. You need to explain to him that the coffee situation is as staple to him as monthly sanitary protection is to you and does he currently know how many tampons you have upstairs. If not, why not? The penny might just drop.

Well if the family norm is that you only buy stuff you yourself know is low unless told otherwise then fair enough, he should tell you he needs coffee. It’s not a hill I’d choose to die on personally though. Sounds like you may have better examples of mental load carrying on your arsenal though to deal with!

This, my dh has a aeropress for making coffee. I don't use it (I'm a philistine who prefers instant) but when his filters.run low I notice and buy them for him.

He does the main shop as well

I’d always have a back up so add 2 to next order

Shopping is a household thing here. I order it but I order for everyone. I do, however, expect to be told if specific things need to go on - toiletries, tea (I don't drink it) squash, etc. I do a quick cupboard and fridge check and ask if anyone wants anything added before I check it out.

In our house, if something is running low, we simply call out to Alexa from the kitchen 'Alexa add coffee (or whatever) to the shopping list' then whoever does the online shopping order just asks Alexa 'what's on my shopping list?' If you have an electronic device, could you try this?

Or could you at least say to your DH 'I'm going to do an online order tonight, is there anything you need adding?'

Seems a lot of drama over something that could easily be resolved.

Btw if the mental load is uneven then that's a real problem and one to be tackled (assuming you both work roughly equal hours), but the coffee just isn't a big deal.

Couldn't you solve this by your husband just seeing how long it takes to use a bag of coffee? E.g. we know we get through one bag every 5 days so would buy 1-2 bags a week, or 2 bags 2 out of 3 weeks because they're on a "two for" offer.

I do get that someone should tell you for really irregular things (like say teabags) but coffee feels regular enough that you could buy it every couple of weeks and it be about the right amount, surely?

DH tried this with soap, he goes through a ridiculous amount and takes it away with him every week when working away.

So I started adding it every week to the shop, four bars a time until he had about thirty bars and had to ask me to stop. Childish yes, but now he tell me when we’re getting low (by his standards) instead of expecting me to look in my crystal ball.

Because she's the one who does the weekly food shop.

It's just so petty and unattractive IMO - if you take on the food shop, that means doing the food shop for the whole family, not just checking items that you use yourself!

I don’t check the stock levels of anything. I shop purely from the list. If it’s not on the list it’s not getting bought. Why would I waste time checking stock levels - if it was running out it would be on the list! It’s not my problem if other people fail to put the stuff they want on the list.

Do you ask people when you’re about to do the shopping list “everyone - anything i need to add to the list?”
I never do the online shop without quickly checking with the others around if there’s anything they know if that I need to add. My DH is the primary consumer of hobnobs so I’d always say “you all right for biscuits?” or as the kids if there’s anything they fancy this week etc.

So yes to some extent he should let you know, but I do think it’s courteous to ask everyone if they know of anything that’s needed. I add plenty of things I don’t eat but everyone else does. I add to the list throughout the week, so it’s no trouble.

See I think it depends on what the system for the shop is. If the system is that one person is doing the shop and agrees with that then they should be checking for everything that may be needed, not just things they use. I don’t drink blackcurrant juice but I check to see if we need more before I go to do the shop because my husband does, when he does the shop he checks to see if we need apple juice even though he doesn’t drink it because I do.

If the system is a list though, then everyone should be putting things needed on list.

I would say basics like toothpaste and tampons are staples, especially as you might need them last minute. Coffee is only a staple if you drink it. We don't even have any in our house because no one drinks it.

Because she does the family shop, should she only buy things she personally consumes?

This. Successful marriage comes from being a team. Your marriage is very transactional. You are in this for life. Do better both of you.
Also. We have a blackboard in the kitchen. If you see something is getting low you put it on the board along with anything else you might need/ fancy. In our house my husband does the shopping on a Monday and cooks Mon ,Tues, Wed. I shop on Thursday and cook Thurs,Fri,Sat. Sunday is sort yourself out. He drinks far more coffee than I do, eats lots of eggs and loves sourdough bread. They go in the trolley on my shop day if they are in the list. I love him....therefore I think of him when shopping. He does the same.

@Maireadh but they don't have a list system, it works well in our house as it seems to work in yours. OP says she wants to be verbally told when he is running low so it doesn't sound like there is a list.

We have a pod machine and get them delivered via amazon prime, we are always ahead with the supply.

Or make sure you are always one a head with the coffee, have a back up one in the cupboard.

Keep an electronic list and get dh to add it to the shopping list when it is say half full.

If somebody told me verbally I would probably forget! In your case it is evident that this verbal agreement clearly is not working hence the thread. I love lists and preferably in order of the chosen store!

Another alternative is to shop online for collection, or delivery. Have dh take responsibility for what he wants by logging in, and adding anything he needs, prior to you placing the order.

This problem can easily be solved op.