Please settle a household coffee debate!

[Flippingflamingo]

Husband drinks coffee
Wife doesn’t not drink coffee, or tea, or any hot drinks.

Wife does online food shop order each week
Husband visits a supermarket 3-4 times a week to buy lunch on his break
Wife does not usually buy coffee on weekly food shop as it’s not a weekly routine purchase

Husband maintains wife should check household coffee supplies and replenish as needed
Wife maintains husband should tell wife when coffee is needed to add to the order. Or husband should buy it himself on his lunch break!

So as the wife… AIBU?

Not really. It's the opposite in our house. My husband does the weekly shop and doesn't find it too hard to buy coffee that only I drink without me having to instruct him to.

It's both. Whoever sees things are low has a responsibility to check they get put on the list. Sometimes things get forgotten, and that's life, so nobody should moan about it, just nip out for the coffee or get some delivered by Chop chop / Amazon / whoever is fastest. Fighting about the shopping is more of a problem, doesn't sound like a very happy relationship. Are both of you particularly tired at the moment or is this sort of conflict normal for you? You should work on improving how you communicate really, it doesn't sound like a pleasant way to live.

I do all the shopping and we have a WhatsApp thread. I don't buy tea or suger unless he puts it on the list. The odd time if I make tea for someone and notice it's low I'll put it on myself but we both add to the list as needed. I treat it the same as his deodorant, soap and shampoo. I don't check it every time k do a shop he gives me the heads up as and when it's needed.

If tampons are a staple by your reckoning (which I assume only a female uses) why would coffee that a male uses (in this case) not be a staple too?

I have a couple of jars in and when the next jar is opened, they have to tell me so that I can add it to the shop, or sometimes I see the empty jar and do it myself. We used to have a whiteboard shopping list in the kitchen which they used to add to. I don't think we've ever run out that I can remember. Spare/back up jars and packets are my way of organising stuff generally, although I realise it might also be an issue of storage space.

It should go in the general shopping, as is a basic household grocery item. However husband should give wife a heads up when it's low.

Isn't this type of situation exact what fridge shopping lists are for? A magnetic whiteboard or paper notepad attached on so whenever either of you notices something is low you can jot it down.

This!

Husband needs a coffee subscription and that would be a very nice Christmas/birthday present from wife.

Whoever is doing the main shop checks on the status all of the ‘essentials’ - whether they eat /drink the product or not - and anything that runs out in between big ships is picked up by whomever is going to a little shop in the near future - for lunch or anything else. I don’t drink coffee - hate the stuff actually - but always have it in the house because other people visit me. My dad stayed unexpected on Friday night and got to have a cup of coffee in the morning.

We shop online and both have the app and add stuff as we go along. I don't use milk, coffee sugar ice, sudafed, sensitive toothpaste head and shoulders, I could go on, so why would I be checking stock ? He adds it himself if he needs it and if he forgets, that's a shame. He can go to the corner shop

We have a physical paper shopping list in the kitchen for things to be added to. When I organise an online shop, I will have a quick check round in case things have been missed. However there are some things only my DH uses and if he doesn't tell me/add to the list, they will be missed. Whoever is then next out will buy a replacement item.
It does irritate tho, particularly with things like his toothpaste, (bulk buy separately) that he doesn't reorder when he takes the last tube......then asks me where the new ones are when he's on his last squeeze!!

@Rainallnight wins the thread!

Don’t people actually just talk to each other? I do the shopping because I enjoy it (as long as no one comes with me). Before I go I just ask if anyone needs/wants anything. And also remind then they can send a message if they remember anything once I’m gone… it’s not really hard…

In our house, I don't drink coffee, nor do I use bread, milk or shaving gel. I do try to keep one jar ahead with coffee - and yes I do expect to be told when someone starts the last jar. My children are better at this than DH so the summer has been pleasant having them home from uni ...

Shaving gel similarly I will get it when someone tells me it is needed. Bread and milk I get if I know more than one user will be at home and they are getting low, otherwise I will ask (added complication is that DH works away during the week; and it is hard just to get him to let me know ahead of time which days he will be away and which days he's able to work from home! By ahead of time I mean even Saturday when it is useful to know if he is going on Sunday or Monday or Tuesday evenings ...). There is a limit to how many things I'm prepared to scan for when I do the shopping, so things that are only needed now and then I do expect to be alerted to.

we always check "need anything from Tesco? " before we go.

That was our 'system'.

There don't need to be arguments over this, if whoever is going shopping/doing the order just casually asks the other family member/s

This! Surely he needs to just let you know he needs some and you add it to the shopping order.

Think the coffee is a proxy and you need to sit down and address the issues in your marriage. Can feel your burnout ingrained in every word you write.

Husband is using up something day after day, noticing it get low, not saying or doing anything.

Wife is doing the online shop every week (and I’m going to guess if she is solely responsible for that she’s doing all/most of the cooking?), adding things she notices are low and that are needed by the family.

He could just … do something when the coffee is running low.

She meanwhile is meant to check his coffee supplies, or keep buying coffee every week whether it’s needed or not.

Seems like one person has an easier fix than the other. The one that would actually benefit from having coffee in the house.

We have a blackboard in the kitchen for stuff people think of, and both DH and DD have the shopping app. I tell them when the deadline is and tough luck if they miss it.

And a coffee subscription!

How do either of you function as adults?

I would say basics like toothpaste and tampons are staples, especially as you might need them last minute. Coffee is only a staple if you drink it. We don't even have any in our house because no one drinks it.

But then going by your own logic, coffee is a staple too because the DH drinks it, surely?

Otherwise you'd be arguing that tampons aren't a staple because men don't use them?

He needs to tell you if he wants you to buy something or just buy it himself. Or you each need to log in to the online shop to add things!

I do the online shop weekly, but DH does the bulk of the cooking. After many times of being expected to know by osmosis that he had used the last of something (was running low) we, like many others, started a list, and this has now helped the situation.

Coffee he will often sort out himself.

Could always ask if he's getting low when you're about to do the online shop

Or have a board on the fridge where you can both add things that are needed

Or do the online shop together, it's fun

Or when his coffee is on offer, order 2 or 3

If my older teenagers can remember to tell me when they need new sanitary towels (which i dont require) and meds I'm sure your dh can remember to tell you when he needs coffee. Or even buy it himself 😮

I don't understand why he has a problem with the system being "the person who looks in the coffee jar several times a day should tell the person doing the shopping when it gets low"?

Is it that he doesn't want to have to remember to do that or that he doesn't want to spend the 5 or so seconds it would take to tell you/ send you a text/ write it on a list?

I do a shop twice a week and it's for things I know we need. I know we need them because they are ingredients for planned meals or becasue in the past week I used enough of the thing to trigger the need for a new one, and added it to the list on the fridge.

DH gets the kids' breakfasts in the morning so he is responsible for telling me if any of "their" cereals are low. I certainly don't go checking every cereal box in the cupboard.

In fact he often tells me we are low on a certain cereal when I've already bought a new box and it's behind it. Not much extra space in that cupboard for randomly buying 4 new boxes a week "in case".