To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

[CrypticElliptical]

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

I agree with pp, that phrase "IF things are still going well..." is surely your get out clause if numbers need to be decided now.

If he and Gloria aren't together by your wedding he might fill that space with an even newer girlfriend!

Ps your father does sound incredibly self centred!

Tbh I was a bit taken aback so not as clear as I wanted to be. I will need to be more explicit.

My dad’s new woman was not invited to my sibling’s wedding on the grounds that it would be hurtful to my mum and that we’d never met her. (I was already married so not an issue for my wedding).
YANBU not to invite her, it would cause too much upset and tension, plus you’ve not met and don’t have any kind of relationship with her so you’re not leaving her out in that sense either.

I sometimes feel both parents have done a bit of a number on me in raising me to be very compliant and not especially comfortable saying how I actually feel…

OP you haven't answered if she is the Other Woman or not, as that changes everything. Is she the OW? Did she have anything to do with your dad's adultery?

She’s not - my parents separated in 2022, he didn’t meet this woman until 2023 and none of that is in dispute.

Then since she is totally innocent in all this, there is absolutely no reason she shouldn't be invited, and it would be rude, hurtful and wrong to exclude her. Especially if you are allowing other guests to bring a plus one (perhaps some you haven't met either, such as a friend's boyfriend or partner?). But not your dad. Your mother sounds like a very selfish person here. He has a girlfriend. He has a plus one. Just like other guests. Not inviting her is just wrong. And your mother needs to be told to grow up, stop being so selfish and stop destroying your wedding. I wouldn't tolerate your mother's behaviour if I were you.

I wouldn't invite her - nothing personal but I'd want my mum (who has been wronged) to feel relaxed and happy.
It seems to me that dad has done whatever the fuck he likes, all the way through and this would be one more occasion where his wishes were prioritised over mum's feelings.
Mum might not have handled the divorce well, but ultimately she's reacted to dad's behaviour.

If my dad wouldn't come to my wedding because I hadn't invited his partner (who I hadn't even met), I'd consider it his loss, not mine.

Hi @CrypticElliptical

It might be a good idea to have therapy (if you haven’t already) to unpack some of the impact that your parents have had on you.

My parents are self-centred nightmares and my exH’s parents had had a toxic toxic marriage and divorce. They could not be in the same room together. At one point on my wedding day exMIL walked over to exFIL’s new partner and snatched exSIL’s baby son out of her arms and snapped “get your hands off my grandchild”. My wedding day was just awful, so stressful, between my useless family doing nothing to help and my toxic in-laws circling each other like hyenas. I was bridesmaid for my best friend a couple of years later and noticed how lovely her day was with everyone making a fuss of her, instead of her having to juggle weirdo family members.

As the years went on, my rule became that both in-laws would be invited to things (e.g. christenings, birthday parties etc) and if exMIL didn’t like it, she could stay away. Thank God I no longer have anything to do with them.

I recommend you sit down with your mum a d dad, separately and together (maybe via zoom or whatever) and spell out that it is YOUR day, you are the focus, you are not pandering to their dramatics and they (and Gloria) are welcome to attend. You don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists and if that’s too hard they can stay away although that would make you sad.

It is not your job to parent your parents.

I’m planning on marrying my DP in Tuscany (I’m in NZ) to make sure I don’t have to deal with batshit family second time around.

I hope you have a lovely wedding and lots of fun planning your special day ❤️

I guess one question is how much of a role your dad would have in the wedding.

For example: if he's supposed to be walking you down the aisle, on the top table, making a speech, father/daughter dance. Who is Gloria going to sit with? First of all you are well within rights to explain to him your wedding is not the time/place to introduce her to the family. Also what is his plan of what she's going to do while he is doing all these other things? Unless he is wanting to step back and take the role of normal guest not father of bride?

Your Dad likes to play games. Despite introducing “Gloria” to your sibs who live close by he’s not sure this relationship will last as long as your wedding…..
Hes on the look out for new blood , and if it draws attention and upsets your mum all the better!
What do you want OP ?
Its your wedding , you get to choose.

My advice is tell both your parents what you want. They don’t get to dictate or bargain terms for their invitation.

You need to be a lot tougher with them . Gather the support of your Fiancé it’s his wedding too .

You both deserve a beautiful stress free day but YOU need to be assertive now

Tell your dad there are no plus ones. Only invited persons who have been a part of you and your dp's lives. And I agree to mention your mother would be upset seeing him bring a date and you do not want that.

Actually, why not send him his invitation now, with just his name on it then if he mentions her coming say the no plus ones explaination.

Why? This other woman is someone who her dad cheated with behind her mums back. Why would her mum want to be around that bitch? This daughter shouldn't even be questioning whether to invite the mistress. My dad cheated on my mum years ago and I wouldn't have dreamed of inviting his bit on the side to my wedding. This question is crazy to me and some of the replies are even crazier. This other woman doesn't deserve a place at the wedding. She broke up This family. This daughters loyalty should always be with her mum end of.

Your reply is utterly disgusting. The woman Gloria is the woman that her dad cheated with behind his mums back. Why the hell does her mum have to put up with seeing her at her daughters wedding??? Would you accept your husbands mistress to your child's wedding??? Someone who broke up your family???? Just think about that for a moment. Don't say what you said without putting yourself in her shoes first. That mistress does not deserve a spot at this wedding. She deserves a slap that's what she deserves. This poster needs to be loyal to her mum no one else. Gloria is a home wrecker

My Dads wife wasn't invited to my wedding (20 years after she was the OW) simply because it would have upset my mum. That said I didnt have a great relationship with my Dad so wasn't worried what he thought but to be fair for the one time in his life he thought about other people and totally understood.

I would invite her but you never know they may split before hand or by then your mum may have come to accept it more.

No they met after her parents separated.

from @CrypticElliptical

She’s not - my parents separated in 2022, he didn’t meet this woman until 2023 and none of that is in dispute.

Your dad doesn't get to say that Gloria will be coming if things are still going well. The guest list is your and your fiancé's decision to make. Just point that out to him in the next conversation about it. No excuses, no explanation needed. YOUR decision and you don't have to justify it to ANYONE. Meeting her on a separate occasion is a good idea, but don't be bullied into inviting anyone you don't want, and that includes any other possible problematic relatives to whom you alluded. But your mother doesn't get to influence your decisions either. YOUR DAY, YOUR WAY !!!!! Good luck. I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

This is why I wish the OP had have clarified this in the OP. Because people answered her believing that Gloria is the other woman. Their answers would have been a LOT different, I wager, if OP told the truth at the start.

@Kitkat1982 The OP has clarified that Gloria IS NOT the woman her dad cheated with. The woman he cheated with is long gone. Gloria came after. As it is, she is an innocent bystander to this and came years after his affair. Gloria is NOT the woman he cheated with. I wonder if Gloria even knows about his cheating history.

I can see how hard this is, but you’re basically taking your mother’s side. Gloria wasn’t the cause of the marriage breakdown , and for me I’d invite her and your parents need to be grown ups and manage it, and by that I mean your mum really, whatever issues she has with your father, whatever history there, Gloria is not and was never the issue

Would you have a top table with them both on? Is it likely you'll meet her between now and the wedding? How long would they have been together at the wedding? Travelling together and a meal sounds good, but it would be nice to include her if you can.

I think your mum needs to accept after all this time that your dad has moved on. I think given you're expecting your family to travel so far it makes sense for people to make a holiday out of it. Your dad's gf travelling with him makes sense. I think not inviting her if she's there (in the city or wherever wedding will be) is petty.

RTFT

And the Dad broke up the family, not the OW at the time.