To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

[CrypticElliptical]

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

Yeah I think there is some evidence from my sibs who live in the same country as my parents that dad is trying to play happy families and include the GF in everything (Christmas ructions have already begun), but being abroad I largely avoid it. I would potentially struggle if I had to interact more: it’s great for my dad to have found someone but I’m not in the market for any additional maternal influence and I have nothing against her, but I’m just not hugely interested. My family is stressful enough already. An additional complication with putting this to my dad is he doesn’t actually know I know about his transgressions (my mum isn’t lying, I have spoken to another family member about it who is more level headed). But maybe now is as good a time as any, and necessary to have the conversation.

@Jumpers4goalposts why the arbitrary time frame of a year? It's not like after a year they're never going to break up? More relationships than not end after people have been together a year.

And 'the fact is' the OP does not know this woman, so why would she want her at her wedding? Her parents relationship ended less than 2 years ago, why would OP be happy with him bringing one of his girlfriends to her wedding and have him rubbing his relationships, and therefore past affairs, in OPs mothers face?

Thanks to everyone who has commented btw either way. I have read every post and it’s been great food for thought. My family situation has always been a bit alternative and stressful, my siblings and I have been through a lot. Trying to break the cycle and make positive memories now, and it’s not an easy journey.

I am going to vote for not inviting her, you never met her, surely your father should be the one being less selfish and should know that bringing yet another woman in the mix on his daughter’s special day will bring more stress for all of you.

@HelpAGirlOut1234 a year because it shows a level of commitment. It’s not about them breaking up or not. I think it’s pretty normal after a period of time to start inviting a new partner to family functions.

If you don't want someone you have never met at the wedding that's completely valid. I'd speak to your father and explain you're happy to meet her over that period but she's not coming to the wedding itself. Both your parents should be thinking about you in this situation

In most situations it might be "normal" but, as the OP says, this is not a typical situation and she knows it will cause tension on her special day.
Lots of people seem very cross that the OP's mum is still upset at the ending of her marriage and not coping so well but that's the reality of it.
Whether people think she "should be" over it all by now or not, the fact is that she clearly isn't so even if a relationship of a year is now officially a forever one or whatever your arbitrary rule is, inviting the father and his gf will create a difficult, messy situation which could be avoided by not inviting her.

Those saying the mum should suck it up have clearly never witnessed the devastation felt by a woman whose husband of 30 years in unfaithful. It’s not something you get over quickly .

We don't even know that his current girlfriend had anything to do with the affair. From what the OP says, the affair was years ago and the current girlfriend wasn't involved and is innocent.

Why even consider inviting people you are not sure about?
I never understand this attitude; it is your wedding, you are paying, you do not have to invite anyone you don't want
If anyone challenges you, simply say 'i don't want them at my wedding'. No explanations required.
If you haven't met the gf, don't invite her. She can travel with your dad if he wants, but she'll have to amuse herself for the day
You've only just started planning. Get this addressed now before it becomes out of control

I think what you have said here explains your mum's feelings & reaction.
Your insensitive father trying to force his gf on your siblings in this way - no wonder your mum feels like she is being replaced.

Does she live near them all to witness this in person?

And, let me guess, is Gloria much younger?
It surely doesn't take much to see why your mum is struggling with all this?
You are in control of your wedding so do what will make you feel most comfortable on the day and if you think inviting the gf will upset your mum & make you worry about her all day then just don't. You don't have to.

They all live quite close and have to have a reasonable amount of regular contact.

Gloria is the same age as my dad/slightly older than mum actually and has plenty of baggage of her own!

Or rather than prioritising the DM’s feelings we can all be grown up about it and deal with it because it’s just one day.

Speaking with similar experience OP I married 27yrs ago and my mother has never forgiven or moved o to this day.
Your Dad is being quite presumptious and to a Large extent rubbing it in your mums face. How dare he! I would be a bit hard on him that as far as your mum is concerned she does not believe that his current gf was not the OW Put him on the back foot a bit rather than him announcing to you about Gloria attending. That the breakup is still very raw for your mum and as she was the gilted partner and your mum her comfort needs to be a priority, that even seeing him there is likely to be difficult for her.

The meal out to meet new gf is a good idea.

I then made things as comfortable as I could for my mum. My sister helped to keep her in check! She was warned to behave herself.

It's always a clever tactic of the cheaters/abusers to turn up and act all civil they have all the power in these scenarios. When the victim reacts its perfect DARVO to all onlookers I.e look what I had to put up with.

Then focus on you and your fiance - my wedding went well and hope yours does to!

Good luck

I think you will be very anxious about your mother if Gloria is there too. What has your mum said about the situation?
Probably I'd do what she wanted, even though it is your day. After all, you've never even met Gloria.

Good luck.

It sounds as if both your parents are selfish putting their feelings and frustrations before you and your siblings. Check
Your mum is a grown woman who loved and married a man incapable of being faithfully and made her very unhappy.
However she chose to be in that situation she chose to keep going back to him and she is choosing to vent her anger at everyone who will listen. Her choices had consequences.
Whilst she has every right to be hurt she doesn’t have the right to control every member of her family and family occasion because she’s unhappy.
I think you need to talk to both of your parents and lay down the law.
This is your wedding not theirs and they don’t have the right to spoil it because they can’t put away their differences to put you first.
I think your dad is being very thoughtless inviting someone you’ve never met to your wedding . He knows it will hurt the mother of his children , that it could hurt you on your wedding day but he’s still putting his own wants first. Selfish.
You should choose who attends your wedding not him. He needs to grow up and put you first.

It’s irrelevant to how the mother will be feeling at seeing her ex DH happy with another woman after an affair. Even if the new girlfriend was not OW.

I can testify to that. But I’ve been thinking because of something the OP said that there was an added heartbreak to this breakup and I wouldn’t be surprised if the other woman was a close relative.

Similar situation to yours a couple of decades ago. My dad wouldn't come without his witch of a partner so my mother gave me away.

There are consequences of your dad leaving the family and his partner not being invited to your wedding is one of them!

Elope to Europe and have a tiny family wedding with the elderly relatives then a second wedding or party in your home country, and another party in the UK (I'm assuming you live here). There's going to be drama between your parents whatever happens!

This.

I wouldn't be inviting the new gf.

Slight update in that my dad forced the conversation by saying to me about guest list yesterday “obviously if things are still going well Gloria will be there”. My response was “I don’t know her and I’m not comfortable with that being the first time we meet”, which he seemed to accept for now but I can sense I’m going to have to repeat myself a lot.

How has he been with her? How long until the wedding?

He won't take that as an indication he needs to get the two of you together beforehand will he? You might need to be a bit more explicit that she won't be invited.

Tbh him saying 'if things are still going well' gives you a reason in itself - you can't keep a space for a 'partner' so unestablished he himself says he doesn't know if they'll still be on the scene.