To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

[CrypticElliptical]

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

Yanbu as dad has only been with the gf for a year. If they'd been together for many years and were clearly committed and she'd made an effort to get to know you it would be different, but given the actual situation it's perfectly fine not to invite her.

You need to tell dad - I'm sorry but my wedding day is not at all appropriate for me to meet Gloria for the first timeand it would cause a major upset to mum and spoil the day for everyone if she's there, so that's not happening. However it's great that you're taking the opportunity to have a longer holiday while you are over. Can I suggest that you book Gloria in to a luxury spa for the wedding day so that she can have a wonderful time while you come to the wedding, and then after at the end of your holiday before you go home can we try to be in the same city for a weekend so that we can meet and get to know each other in a less stressful context?

THIS

I just wouldn't invite her. You've not even met her. If your dad has any self awareness he should understand

I've got parents very similar to this except mine have been divorced for over 30 years. Honestly OP your mother will keep on playing the victim if you don't shut her down now. My partner thought they had recently got divorced when I met him because my mother was so bitter, he was shocked when I said it was over 20 years ago at the time.

As for your father the situation is difficult because they've not been together long and you've not met her. As a stepmother to an adult child myself I wouldn't expect to have been invited in her position.

People here will stick up for your mother but as parents they should put aside their differences for one day, it's your wedding and even if Gloria doesn't go I'd bet there'll be another drama with your mother over something else. If you live near your mother can you try and get her involved in some hobbies/clubs etc? She needs to make a life away from her old one and that means moving on and making new friends and enjoying new activities. Life goes on but she'll end up stuck in the divorce stage and end up bitter like my mother. Eventually your relationship with her will deteriorate because you'll avoid her for a quiet life.

Good luck with your wedding whatever you decide OP.

I don't think I would invite anyone I had not met to my wedding.

Can your dad still travel with his gf, he comes to your wedding and the. They then bugger off on holiday to Spain together afterwards.

Your mum needs to learn that breakups are boring for everyone else and not everyone holds a grudge like she does. She needs to join Mumsnet so she can vent on here!

With all due respect, the OP's situation is quite different given the parents only properly split two years ago.
In 20 years time the OP's mum may be fine with it all and not bitter but right now it's still raw for her because compared to the length of the marriage it hasn't been that long.

I'd invite her then your Dad and her can confine the wedding with a holiday. The fact you've not met her isn't that suprising when she lives so far away.

He is to the wedding to be proud father of the bride, but he's assuming bringing along new (uninvited) girlfriend??

Mum's feelings count more than dad's as he was the one who committed adultery and hurt and humiliated your mum, destroying the family unit. His cross to bear at least for certain events. Could you say you are not having any plus ones at all for your wedding, only close friends & relations.
Good luck.

@OrangeTeabags with all due respect I'm not the only person on this thread who's trying to tell the OP what she's got coming if she doesn't stop it now. As sad as it is some people don't move on after a divorce and from what the OP says her mother will be one of those and it's more common than you think. It doesn't matter if it's 2 years or 30 years it's not the parents wedding and they should respect that.

Not necessarily. My xh was sexually incontinent and abusive but your dc come first on the big days in their lives, weddings, graduations etc. As a pp said you vent to your friends and MN, you don't put your kids in a difficult position of having to hear a constant stream of negativity about their other parent. They can see for themselves what their parents are like but fundamentally they usually love both parents. OP clearly does love her df, despite everything she knows, otherwise she wouldn't have this dilemma.

Given she wasn’t the OW, I’d say both parents get a “plus one” invite. Be clear their plus one won’t be on the top table.

Is the gf responsible for your parents splitting up? If yes I wouldn't. It would be really unfair to your mum to have her there. If no, your wedding is next year which should give your mum enough time to used to the idea.

@AgnesX - the OP said her parents split up for good in 2022 and her dad started dating this woman towards the end of 2023. (You can filter to read just the OPs posts)

I would talk to your Dad and tell him you are happy to meet his gf and if he wants to bring her to the country of your wedding and you'll meet up with a meal with them both but won't be inviting parents plus ones to the wedding. I'd explain it would cause your Mum distress and you are afraid she may refuse to go. See what your Dad says. I'd not risk my Mum not going or want to put her in a painful situation.

My friend had this, except everyone was in the UK. Mum would have been distraught if dad's new (ish) partner was there. So she didn't invite dad's partner. Dad then said he wasn't coming if partner wasn't invited. Luckily dad bucked up his ideas and did come (alone) and did speech etc.

Yes, she might be like that in the futurre but also she might not. It's still early days in terms of the end of the marriage so let's not assume she's going to be a bitter, angry person forever more just because some people are.

At the moment she is still reeling from the hurt and betrayal she has endured until quite recently and the more pressing problem is OP's wedding situation.

I think I would not invite Gloria if I had never met her and your dad would be very unreasonable if he was unhappy about this. It would be different if you had met her but your wedding day is not the time for a first meeting. You could meet up for a meal after the wedding if she is going to be in the same country. Both your parents have to respect your wishes whatever you decide. It is not Gloria's fault but she should understand your situation and do something else for the day. It is not fair on you to be caught in the middle of both your parents especially not on your wedding day.

In your situation I would tell your Dad that Gloria will not be invited to your wedding as it would upset your mother and you don't want tension at your wedding.
Tell him that he is invited and if he brings Gloria with him on this trip you can meet them both after the wedding for a meal out.

I would tell your mother that Gloria is not invited but you expect her to be civil to your father that day. I would also tell her that she needs to get some counselling to help her deal with their splitting up.

In your situation I would tell your Dad that Gloria will not be invited to your wedding as it would upset your mother and you don't want tension at your wedding.
Tell him that he is invited and if he brings Gloria with him on this trip you can meet them both after the wedding for a meal out.

I would tell your mother that Gloria is not invited but you expect her to be civil to your father that day. I would also tell her that she needs to get some counselling to help her deal with their splitting up.

Absolutely.
And, in the longer term, support your mum on her journey in coming to terms with what she has been through.
That doesn't mean be the person who listens to her problems and feelings but encourage her to find the support she needs to find peace.

Your dad has been with his gf a matter of months and is unreasonable to expect her to come to your wedding. Your mum needs to get over your dad having other partners given the length of time they've been divorced. Neither are behaving considerately towards you.

I sat next to my exh partner at my sons wedding ( at the church ) , it was a bit awkward as I have no interaction with him or her at all but we all survived .
No hysterics or anything as the day is obviously not about us .
I'd tread carefully about this as he might think no her , no him and not come.
A year away is still awhile off , who knows what will happen , just invite him and his plus one , I'm sure your mum can just grin and bear it .

Your focus should be reducing the stress to yourself on the day. Even though I think your mother is being immature and self centred, your father will have to accept that his behaviour over the years has contributed to this mess and his ‘current’ gf won’t be invited because you are prioritising a stress free day. If he dares complain or tries to emotionally blackmail you with not coming, tell him that you will miss him and you hope he will prioritise his daughter.

This isn’t about you favouring one parent over the other, this is about you prioritising your sanity and anybody who can’t support you in that, needs to be elsewhere.

Congratulations.

I daresay he will act all innocent, like these men so often do. His presence (and overt or covert gloating) is sufficient drama. I don’t think he should be there.

I don't believe either parent is being reasonable here: your mother in making her past grievances others' problem, or your father with his presumption that you'll invite a woman you've never even met before. You could justifiably say that your wedding is neither the time nor the place to do so.

I would offer to meet Gloria separately for a meal during her visit but not offer her an invitation. If your father isn't prepared to attend on any other terms but his own then that is a decision for him, but I'd be disappointed and not think much of him because of it. Likewise of your mother, if she can't swallow her grievances for one day or causes any unpleasantness or awkwardness at the wedding.

My husband's sister was unable to offer compromises like this and only stated that she expected everyone to behave exactly as she wanted them to because ... 'our day'. It can probably be anticipated how that panned out!