To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

[CrypticElliptical]

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

This

If I were you I wouldn’t invite her but I would talk to your dad properly about it and possibly Gloria too - it isn’t a snub and you are very happy he is settled with Gloria but the wedding day will be family only. If they travel together maybe you can have lunch with them the day before or after or something. I’d explain that I wouldn’t want my mum’s day or her memory of her daughter’s wedding to be tainted and so you are just wanting to be sensitive to her feelings. I know others will say your parents have been separated a long time but clearly your mother is not over it and you seem to sense her feelings here are legitimate given the nature of the marriage.

This seems so reasonable that it's hard to imagine how anyone could argue with it.

Familes, eh?

@Livelovebehappy I have never been an OW or involved with someone who was separated but not divorced.

I understand the DM was treated badly and may be traumatised, but it has nothing to do with Gloria. If Gloria gad been the OW I would agree with protecting the DM’s feelings at this stage

Why is it "this"?

If the parents have split amicably and there hadn't been abusive behaviour involved in the marriage then, yes, it would be off to not invite a new partner.

But in these circumstances the dad needs to accept that his appalling behaviour has consequences and this is one of them.
He might not like it but, tough. It will be hard enough for the mum, his ex wife, to spend the day with him as it is.
They both need to compromise to facilitate OP's day. Why should the father have it all his own way?

Chances are the poor OP will go through all this heartache and Gloria will be yesterday's news by the time the wedding rolls round anyway.

If Gloria is gone, that works for the whole family.

Your mum does need to grow up, but I don’t really think that will happen if it hasn’t already. My dad’s second wife wasn’t invited to my brothers wedding (because she was mean, not because of my mum, my mum didn’t give a fuck and was just excited for a wedding). Initially my dad declined to go, but he came round in the end. My point is that he may well decline to go, it may just be initial and an emotional reaction but it might be final. You know your dad so I’m sure you know what’s likely. I will say, as she’s a girlfriend and not his wife and you haven’t met her, I think you’ve got a strong case based on that alone. I’ve planned a wedding and we had a rule of no plus ones we haven’t met and don’t know, this is much easier when you’re doing a small wedding though.

It's YOURS and your future husbands day, not your mums, not your dads and not anyone else's. Tell your dad that, as much as you understand she's his girlfriend, she's a complete stranger to you, you're not in any way close to her and it will only achieve making your mum feeling uncomfortable - consequently she is not invited to the wedding or after party. She may still decide to travel with your dad and plan something for herself on the day and evening of the wedding but she can't expect to be invited when it will cause issues with your actual family and you don't even have a relationship with her.

Can we please stop saying the mum "needs to grow up"!
It's so disrespectful and completely disregards the trauma she has been put through & is still presumably trying to come to terms with.

I would say if anyone needs to "grow up" it's the father for not seeing that wanting to bring a new gf to his daughter's wedding day under these circumstances is unacceptable.
If he could be an emotionally aware adult and say "look, I don't expect you to invite Gloria & that's fine with both of us" all of this drama would be avoided

Did you say your parents have been separated for ten years? Your mum needs counselling. Your dad is also being presumptuous thinking his girlfriend is invited if you've never met her. Tell your mum to sort herself out. Tell your dad your fears. Don't expect the girlfriend to come on holiday and not come to the wedding... that's plain rude.

I think do whatever YOU want to do. It's your wedding day! If you don't want a stranger there, then don't invite her. Don't let your Dad bamboozle you into inviting her because it's what he wants. Equally if you do want her then your Mum will have to accept it. It is only one day! And - I do know what I'm talking about!

She said they split up for good in 2022.

It's not been as long as that, but I agree the mum needs counselling. Especially as the previous breakup seems to have been with them reuniting as she had a nervous breakdown.

Losing the plot at a new, completely unrelated new GF in this way is extreme. She isn't stealing any family either.

When I told my mum I was getting married she demanded to bring her married lover to which I told her not a bloody chance because she was P'ing on the sanctity of marriage, obviouslyshe wasn't happy but she had a choice come to her daughter's wedding or not. Only you and your fiancé can decide who goes to your wedding if it ruffles feathers then you need to decide if you can deal with the fallout.

Good luck with your wedding planning x

The parents finally separated in 2022, which really isn't that long ago given they were likely together for a very long time.

Honestly it’s completely irrelevant if anyone on here thinks your mum should put up with it for the day. The fact is she won’t. On top of the emotion of a daughter marrying she inevitably won’t handle it well. Even if she tries her hardest for your sake, you’re still going to spend the day watching out for her and checking over your shoulder. Why do this to yourself. She’s your mum and you clearly care deeply. You can’t just switch that off. It’ll spoil your day to see her stifling her misery/ faking a brave face/ getting overcome. Don’t do this to yourself. It’s your day. Hopefully the only wedding you’ll ever have. It’s about you and Dp not your dad, dads girlfriend- or in fact anyone else at all. Don’t invite trouble and avoid avoid avoid any unnecessary upset. Have a fabulous day Op.

Have a talk with your father. He knows your mother is not ready for a girlfriend and he should be the grownup and not bring her to your wedding so as not to cause a scene.

I think if you DF has been with new GF for a year or more invite her, it’s probably serious and she’ll be part of your life. Just tell DF to keep GF away from DM.

I’d invite dad to the day only (as she’s a fairly new partner at the moment) and she travel with him for the trip anyhow as it’s only 1-day for the actual wedding. Perhaps you could have dinner with them separately. Seems like their 2nd separation is more recent (2022 if I’ve read that right) so could still be a bit raw for your mum.

Why would you invite someone you don’t know just because there are your dad’s latest GF? I can’t imagine upsetting my mum by doing that. It’s one day, can’t your dad cope on his own for one day?

Yes, because that would work, just keep them apart. What utter nonsense!

She won't be part of the OP's life, she never sees her dad which is why she hasn't met the gf yet.
And the OP is an adult, she doesn't need a step mum. It sounds like this woman will always just be her dad's gf who she never sees.

I think it's completely unfair for your father to expect you to meet his gf for the first time, at your own wedding. He must know it's going to cause problems with your mum being there too. I think you need to talk to both of your parents and try to work out something that you can all agree on. Like maybe his gf comes to the reception, but not the ceremony?

Or maybe her father realises that this is his daughter's wedding and leaves the random GF behind for one day and doesn't make any of this an issue for OP and her fiancé? The OP has never met the GF, and is likely not to have any sort of relationship with her if she hasn't even seen her father in person in 18months. Why would she invite this random woman to her wedding? Particularly if it would upset the mother she says she loves a great deal?

It’s what happened at my parents wedding with my grandparents and it worked. So not utter nonsense.

It seems as the OP has no particular issue with her DF’s girlfriend and I expect if the DM was not around she would be invited no issue. The fact is if longer than a year the girlfriend is a big part of the DF’s life, DM needs to accept it and move on herself.