What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

[StrawberryTartIet]

My DC aged 10 has slept at Grandparents and a friends house who lives a few doors down from us that we are all friends as grown ups to. I don't allow school friend sleepovers yet. It's becoming difficult as school best friend has slept at ours but I don't want my daughter to go to their yet but they are asking. I know the parents and they havent done amything to bother me but I just dont feel comfortable handing my child to them overnight! I feel the risk of SA is not worth it, however upset she is mow it would be worse to find out she was placed at risk of SA!

But what age do we have to ignore our fears!!?

Unfortunately they are right, this is based off statistics. Mind, it would include the friends parents as it tends to mean someone they know / looks after them as opposed to a stranger. But also usually more close than a friends parent.

My kids had far fewer sleepovers in secondary than primary. I am surprised teen years are when some kids on MN seem to start staying over.

Age 8 in our hhld (end of year 3). By 10 my dc have had sleepovers with multiple friends.

I had my first sleepover when I was 11, Dd was 9 when she had a sleepover at her best friends party, there were 5 girls so I didn’t have a problem. She’s been having sleepovers ever since only with the kids whose parents I know very well. And I’ve only just started having sleepovers our house from last year but that was due to space. I think as teen girls sleepovers are like a rite of passage. Obviously I’ve hear the horror stories, I’m comfortable dd knows how to raise the alarm if anything was wrong, I consider myself a fairly good judge of character and the 2 dads of dd best friends are friends of mine and I’d like to think wouldn’t try anything shady.

I’m in the child mental health field, you are a great mother and making the best decision you can. If you knew what I knew, you wouldn’t let your child do sleepovers at all. I think personally it’s something you need to risk assess each time. Does your child understand inappropriate behaviour, grooming etc.? Are they assertive or passive with adults? Have you spoke to them about how to leave uncomfortable situations ? Do they use a phone so they can message if they want to leave? Check out ConsentParenting on Instagram.

Also, I went to a sleepover at age 14 and the dad of my friend was inappropriate so in some ways teens could be more vulnerable than children depending on the predator.

We have this “ancient” (late ‘80s) Sesame Street book called Grover Sleeps Over. It was mine as a kid, and I’ve kept it because I have a fun memory of the time one of my kids had me read it ten times in a row and I actually did it, complete with a Grover voice. 😂

I mention it because the plot really illustrates what kind of independence skills kids learn from sleepovers. Grover wants to bring his favorite breakfast cereal; his mother tells him he’ll be okay eating whatever cereal is at Betty Lou’s house, and he is. He learns he can trust that his mother will take care of his pet while he’s gone, and learns that if Betty Lou wants to tell ghost stories, he can say he doesn’t want to. He discovers that it’s a little strange to sleep in an unfamiliar bed in someone else’s house, but he can still fall asleep. He finds he can be responsible for brushing his teeth without his mother there to remind him. And he experiences new things at Betty Lou’s house - her toy blocks, her kitten and turtle, a cereal he’s never tried before.

That’s an appropriate level of independence for a child to learn, and I worry about kids who don’t develop that independence at a developmentally normal time. There’s a sense of accomplishment in being six years old and discovering you’re okay without your parents for one night. There’s no sense of accomplishment in being thirteen years old and your mother finally, finally allowing you to go to a classmate’s house. Kids feel embarrassed when they’re having “firsts” years after their peers, and there’s the danger of learned helplessness.

I'm not a fan because

• the partners of three close friends have been charged with child SA in the past 5 years
• I work all week and want to see my dc at the weekends
• I don't want to have to return the favour. I don't want other people's dc in my house when I am trying to relax
• my siblings have older dc and say they hate sleepovers as no one sleeps and they come home at their worst

My eldest is 10 and so far we haven't had any sleepovers.

I don't want to have to return the favour. I don't want other people's dc in my house when I am trying to relax

Haha, this I understand.

edited to tag poster

It's a real shame that your view of life is that you would expect that something would have happened to them.

@YankSplaining could not agree more. The whole Kirsty allsopp debate revealed how kids suffer from the lack of these experiences. Not walking to school being another example. For most of us the risk of abuse on a sleepover is thankfully tiny, but the impact on our children's mental health from sheltering too much them is huge.

I think as a society our risk assessments in relation to children are way off. It is very unlikely that anything will happen to a child walking to school yet most parents are very anxious about allowing it. The same parents often routinely permit sleepovers. Child sexual abuse is very very common. The figure of 1 in 9 is considered accurate.

And the risk of children encountering unsavoury characters or harmful content via mobile phones is very high. And again most parents don't risk assess smartphones appropriately. I find it baffling.

No, no, she's not anxious at all. Neither are you! ( personal attack alarm, too scared to stay over at friends house, parents numbers stored multiple ways, safety app). Totally normal 😳

@Jellybeanbag You haven't clarified about if your DC can go for a play at a friends house ( without you staying), I think that was most people were shocked about or was that not what you meant?

Absolutely, mushypeas

Baffles me too. Why you would give a child a smartphone, allow them to sleep at a friend's, and then scoff at people who question these choices.
Mine walks home from school alone without a phone. I'd rather he work out what to do if faced with a problem, phoneless, than have the world wide web in his pocket at all times.

You'd rather he didn't have access to a phone to call for help if something bad happened? I don't understand that.

Well he walks home from school at the same time as other children, and parents with smaller children, past neighbours. He could literally shout for help, or go back to school, or bang on a neighbour's door.
I feel he is safer without a phone for now.

So surprised to read this thread. Loved sleepovers at my best friends house early primary some of my happiest childhood memories.

Met brilliant families at dds primary and became firm friends with the parents we all had each other’s kids for sleepovers. Girls often reminisce on the fun they had. Such a shame to miss out on this.

I would allow my 9 year old to sleep over at a friend's house but he's never once expressed an interest. He goes between me and his dad's house anyway so I wonder if that plays a part in the lack of appeal.

I'm secretly glad of it because if he had a wobble and I had to collect him at midnight I'd have to drag the 6 year old out of bed too.

From my experience of being a young person/teenager, I think being too restrictive over this kind of thing can lead to teenagers rebelling a bit and not being honest with their parents about where they are going. This means they are more likely to put themselves in risky situations, and are less likely to call their parents or ask for help if they know they are going to get into trouble.

The personal attack alarms were given out in a school assembly - they just attach to key ring or bag etc. hardly a terrible thing to arm a teen girl with. She isn’t scared to sleep out - she just prefers her own bed if she’s local to home anyway. But she has been away on school residentials with no issue whatsoever. A bit hard to come back to your own bed when you’re skiing in Italy 😂 having a safety app designed for young girls and women, knowing how to call for help and understanding what sexual abuse it (at 15) is hardly anything to mock or think is silly. Why would you think it is?

Also the phone numbers stored multiple ways, is something else she learned from school in a PSHE lesson. It is just knowing different ways you can access emergency contacts without having to unlock phone, and knowing different ways to call the police if you can’t actually make a phone call. All quite useful stuff and one of the positives of modern technology.

I worry incase there was a fire.

My daughter had sleepovers from when she was 6 or 7, if I knew the parents reasonably well. I wouldn't have allowed mixed sex sleepovers from Year 5. I'm a bit surprised that some people don't let their children go to tea with their friends. When my daughter was in Reception and the first couple of terms of year 1, I usually went with her, and a couple of friends' mothers did the same when their children came to tea at our house.

I think that is because family members have more opportunity so statistically those with more opportunity are more likely to be perpetrators. If you give none family members opportunity through sleep overs you make the possibility more likely. Think about it. It’s not because of who these people are per se