What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

[StrawberryTartIet]

My DC aged 10 has slept at Grandparents and a friends house who lives a few doors down from us that we are all friends as grown ups to. I don't allow school friend sleepovers yet. It's becoming difficult as school best friend has slept at ours but I don't want my daughter to go to their yet but they are asking. I know the parents and they havent done amything to bother me but I just dont feel comfortable handing my child to them overnight! I feel the risk of SA is not worth it, however upset she is mow it would be worse to find out she was placed at risk of SA!

But what age do we have to ignore our fears!!?

So just because you're in an environment where this works for you, you're judging people who may not be in similar circumstances.

If you want to engage with me perhaps you should try to have an actual discussion highlighting actual points I have made. I know my opinion irritates you, but my point stands, if your children have not yet asked for sleepovers and you have not had to do the assessment yourself, it is silly to have made your mind up so bluntly so early. I completely emphasise if the idea of sleepovers make you anxious, uneasy, if you think you might delay it, or hope they never ask, sure, but I raise my eyebrow at anyone saying "haha no way say no sir are we doing that with Tabitha, aged 3. Ever". Though I do sympathise with victims of SA or those working with SA victims, I totally get how that impacts views. But you're trying to simplify something that is more nuanced for most people.

You can't label everyone a potential pedophile though. Obviously be vigilant and get to know parents first but I just couldn't imagine being nervous of everyone to this degree.

I’m not the poster you quoted but I wouldn’t really let mine sleep anywhere, family or not. It’s not worth it. You might not know for years, or ever, that something happened.

I know this wasn’t to me, but as a no sleepover household as well, it was a yes to school trips. Which in my daughters school wasn’t until year 6 anyway.

I was about 8/9 when I started having sleepovers - but my parents knew my friends' parents well so it wasn't as though I was being handed over to strangers. Personally, I'd want to know the parents hosting a sleepover, and if I knew them and felt confident I could trust them, then I'd be happy for DC to have sleepovers from a similar age.

@Nataliaa I can't remember how old mine were when they first went on residentials. I didn't let them go on the abroad ones though without me, only the local ones.

@Nataliaa its not that it’s ignored but being ‘in the police’ doesn’t make you the arbiter of what is right or even advised. Logically, the police see the worst of society. Added to that, we’ve seen over recent years, that the police force itself is racist, misogynist all the other ists. So we all make our own decisions. You’re getting very upset!

English isn't my first language so I'm trying to discuss with you the best I can.
Your opinion is not what I have an issue with, I have an issue with how judgemental you are on the way people parent their children.
I think it's fine for people to send their kids on sleepovers but not for me.
Personally, I think the way you're engaging with me borders on potential bullying so I'm not going to engage with you further.

I’m not upset at all. I am wondering why us parents that choose to not let sleepovers happen, are being told we are basically ruining their lives 😂 some posters are being very dramatic

What about from mums? It’s not just Dad’s and brothers. My friends mum SA her from a young age and unfortunately in my job I’ve also come across women who have SA others (male and female) so I don’t think we can just lay it at the door of men

11 was my age for my daughters.
I was firm on that.only exception was next door neighbour, who would come and sleep at ours.

Mine had sleepovers at 9, they were with close friends and we trusted the parents. We also started hosting from that age too.

My daughter went skiing last year but she’s mid teens, and it was the trip of a lifetime for her. But I also would understand the parents that didn’t allow that. Just like I didn’t allow sleepovers at other homes, some parents deem the residential trips as too risky.

Unashamedly a no sleepover household at the moment. I'm up for late-overs, breakfasts, whatever to work around it. Too much chance of SA from Dads, visiting friends of brothers, peer on peer abuse

but why do you think a determined abuser could do so overnight but not at a ‘late over.’ Abusers abuse wherever they are.

Just to clarify as I made the original comment, I don't mean it like I am in the police therefore what I say is the bottom line I just mean, given what I have seen I will never ever trust another human being to a level of 100% no matter how they present or how long we have been friends etc. It's sad but safer, IMO having seen whole families be groomed. Someone above who replied to me said they might mix in essentially better circles than the police which is where the danger lies really, people think they have a safe community and can trust people and I have seen time and time again decent people finding out they can't. For something like a sleepover at the age of 10 the risk just doesn't seem worth it at all. I can't even remember being 10 really, I think the Op is being sensible.

Just like I didn’t allow sleepovers at other homes, some parents deem the residential trips as too risky

and I think this is really sad @Nataliaa. some of my best childhood memories are these trips and my daughter has already been on one and still talks about it joyously a year on.

we can protect our kids until the cows come home. But at the same time, we can’t ever really. And they also have to live.

I personally think children are a bit more vulnerable when they’re asleep…

English isn't my first language so I'm trying to discuss with you the best I can.Your opinion is not what I have an issue with, I have an issue with how judgemental you are on the way people parent their children. I think it's fine for people to send their kids on sleepovers but not for me.Personally, I think the way you're engaging with me borders on potential bullying so I'm not going to engage with you further.

I'm genuinely, genuinely sorry I have come across that way. I have only responded to you because you keep remember replying to me but only very generically and think you're reading my posts my hostile than they are intended. I disagree with your, or the, approach to blanket bans, but please don't take that to mean I think you're a bad parent or that I make any other wider judgement on you as a person, I haven't been pulling posters up for not having friends or any personal attacks like that, my view points are reserved for that approach only. I don't care how people parent their children, but if a question is asked on MN I will give my opinion.

I agree to an extent, that’s why my daughter was allowed to go on the residentials. But I can see why some parents don’t allow it 🙁

Apologies reading that back I don't think even being English speaking as a first language would make that easy to read 🙈 please accept my apology.

I mean you're probably right, but the peado ring that abused me and my sister as toddlers and infant aged children was 100% male so I guess I just use my own experience as a frame of reference.

The women who knew, in my experience, didn't participate but just actively went out of their way to be willfully blind.

Just to clarify as I made the original comment, I don't mean it like I am in the police therefore what I say is the bottom line I just mean, given what I have seen I will never ever trust another human being to a level of 100% no matter how they present or how long we have been friends etc. It's sad but safer

depends on what your idea of safe is. I don’t think enforcing a ‘little life’ on your children is a safe tactic long term.

@TLMTTCSJTT1 That's all we can really do as parents, risk assess based on our own knowledge and experiences. You must have seen some horrific things in your job and you understandably want to protect your children from the horrors you have witnessed.

That's all we can really do as parents, risk assess based on our own knowledge and experiences. You must have seen some horrific things in your job and you understandably want to protect your children from the horrors you have witnessed

but that is hard to do when members of the police are raping and murdering our children isn’t it

@Soldieringnonosoldiershere Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of the police as they have let me and my family down more times than I care to count but I was just saying that the decision they made for their children is understandable based on what they have likely witnessed.