What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

[StrawberryTartIet]

My DC aged 10 has slept at Grandparents and a friends house who lives a few doors down from us that we are all friends as grown ups to. I don't allow school friend sleepovers yet. It's becoming difficult as school best friend has slept at ours but I don't want my daughter to go to their yet but they are asking. I know the parents and they havent done amything to bother me but I just dont feel comfortable handing my child to them overnight! I feel the risk of SA is not worth it, however upset she is mow it would be worse to find out she was placed at risk of SA!

But what age do we have to ignore our fears!!?

Dc been having sleepovers since age 6.

No I'm not an SA victim but I know someone who is, from a family member so to me that just shows that if a family member can do that to an innocent child that shares their blood, then anyone could be a risk to MY child and I can make a judgement on people I know well but people I don't know then I can't know for sure even though as I say this family hasn't given cause for concern! One of the things for this household is that they have an older teenager and adult child living with them too, with boyfriends/girlfriends so I would have no idea who was in the house overnight and what the rules are in their household. My friend that has hosted my child is someone I talk openly with and am comfortable to text anytime etc. To me that is the level of familiarity with parents needed.

@Jellybeanbag So they aren't even allowed to go to a friend's house after school to play?

It's each to their own with what they allow.

My rules might be crazy to some, but that's ok. Others rules to allow sleepovers, especially at a young age are crazy to me.

My DC have lots of fun with their friends, but they don't need to be sleeping over anywhere. They're not missing out in my book. Under my roof, with my family. No questions whether they might be exposed to anything by a parent, peer on peer abuse, older siblings, boyfriends/girlfriends, random people coming to the home.

So, I'm happy with my choice.

As I say, when they get older, they'll be going out with their friends. That's absolutely fine with me. They can go round to their friends when they're older, when they will be more confident and know how to handle situations, have a phone and even be old enough to walk out of situations if they feel uncomfortable.

This whole obsession with sleepovers/playdates is bizarre to me. They see their friends at school, see they some weekends, at parties and during the holidays at activities etc. But each to their own.

My dcs are boys but I’ve been fine with sleepovers at friends’ houses from about 9.
they have gone on cub camps from about 8.

@Jellybeanbag how old are they now?

My kids started having sleepovers from around 7 but only with specific kids. One of my son's besties is my friend's kid - we've holidayed together and such so had no concerns.

I loosened up quite a lot when my daughter got a phone. I tell her every time that she can text me and I'll come get her, no questions asked if she doesn't want to talk about it etc. She called once when her anxiety got the best of her but otherwise has had absolutely wonderful times. I had loads of sleepovers when I was young and loved it.

We have a very open door house - my kids have friends round all the time and I love it :)

DD1 had her first sleepover when she was 4! Very good friend and they lived down the road, I would say they both started having them with other school friends from the age of about 7.

There is so much benefit- they learn to be a bit more independent, they try different foods, they see the dynamic in a different family, they grow in confidence, they develop peer relationships. That is so important. Yes the thought of SA is horrifying but as others have said, sadly that is much more likely to come from a family member who has groomed a child rather than a random parent from school.

They can go round to their friends when they're older, when they will be more confident and know how to handle situations, have a phone and even be old enough to walk out of situations if they feel uncomfortable.

Except they'll be in a totally new situation that they've never experienced before - so they won't have built up the skill of being confident and able to handle situations. That's one of the reasons it's so important to let children have small amounts of freedom and autonomy - to build up their self-confidence and resilience.

Unashamedly a no sleepover household at the moment.

I'm up for late-overs, breakfasts, whatever to work around it.

Too much chance of SA from Dads, visiting friends of brothers, peer on peer abuse, doing things you're not ready for, or things like exposure to alcoholic/shouty/violent parents, drugs, badly trained dogs and basically an exposure to a way of life my 7 year old doesn't need.

I'll loosen the reins at secondary, but I'm not a fan of them. Only places my kid is sleeping is at my parents, his parents or my sisters, or a larger organised sleepover like brownies or school.

I'm basing it on my own history and experiences - I want better for my kid.

I’m not sure I’ll ever allow sleepovers- I’m not a victim of any attack but still doesn’t sit right with me. I might feel different in secondary school but in primary it’s a blanket no.

Seeing friends at school or in the park is nowhere near the same as having a friend over to your house or your child going to their house. There's so many things you can't do at school, such as playing games together, doing different activities, having private chats between friends etc. Basically just having fun and being able to play without being watched like a hawk by a parent.

Some of my fondest memories of my childhood are sleepovers with friends. We got so excited and we would also stay up late, have snacks, watch a film.

I feel so sad for kids who miss out on all this.

Never. My kids don’t have sleep overs.

What a very sad post.

My 3 kids and DH 5 had sleepovers regularly from about 7 . It was fabulous to host and for them to go . Especially when there were groups of them as well . A really fabulous part of childhood.

This post demonstrates the incredibly high levels of deep anxiety amongst (mostly) mothers of todays 5-16 year olds and the deeply frightening way that that anxiety is dressed up as 'safeguarding' to a ridiculous extent. I don't believe for one moment that the parents don't honestly believe this is justifiable caution but it really isn't . Your risk assessment antenna has been warped by your own anxiety.
and it's affecting your child's enjoyment of a normal part of growing up.

You should look at the work the university of Sussex's is doing with regard to this issue. Parental anxiety being passed on to children.

https://sussex.figshare.com/articles/journalcontribution/Theeimpactofftreatingparentallanxietyonnchildrenssmentalhealthhanemptyysystematicreview/23488307

Age 10 is reasonable.

The girls in my son's class (age 9) have all been on Brownie camps and regularly do sleep overs. They will be going on a school trip over night this year.

You aren't thinking about what she's going to start missing out on OP if you don't start to let go soon. You can't cover all bases.

Besides if you were going to refuse to let her go to a sleepover at her friend's why did you have one at yours?

The parents will feel it's their 'turn' and that you have in effect 'agreed' they are all at that stage. The kids will be feeling the same.

You've set up everyone's expectations here and painted yourself in a corner. I don't know how you now reverse that without upsetting everyone. Did you not see this point coming?

What's really going on here?

Do you have a backstory?
Or do you generally have unmanaged anxiety that makes you feel like this is too much?
Are you worried about how she will cope?

At some point you are going to have to let go. You are going to have to trust someone. It's not easy. No one says it is. Yes there's always a risk. You need to start having difficult age appropriate conversations with her about boundaries and recognising inappropriate comments and behaviour. Abuse tends to follow a pattern of start grooming first. Build your relationship of trust with her so she feels she can tell you things.

Wise post.
DD has never had any. Likely ASD so she just isn't invited but it doesn't seem to be a thing in her year - lot of the parents feel like the OP. Caused a lot of problems with school residentials as the kids are all clingy and just not that independent.
DS has had since age 7. Know the parents well.

One of those weird topics where the MN thread doesn't fit my reality. In my world, as a child and parent, sleepovers are a very normal, common thing. I can't imagine how difficult parenting must be dealing with that level of anxiety.

Mine had sleepovers at friends' houses from age 6ish.

@Jellybeanbag how will your dc learn social etiquette of being over at friend's houses if they haven't been to play dates? Like asking where the loo is or asking for a drink and not just helping yourself unless they're told that's what to do and things

Primary school is the perfect age for sleepovers. I'm much less keen on teenagers having them though - for obvious reasons.

We don’t do sleepovers but that’s just because we’ve had eg ds being allowed walk through a dodgy estate to a dodgy shop in the evening without us being told and also another ds and friend was left alone while parents’popped out’ and in another case ds and friend left with son who had mates over that were drinking. All during the day so wouldn’t change sleepovers- parents can be lovely but different rules to you etc

I respectfully disagree that you can expect your children to be more confident and able to handle social situations when they are teens after a very sheltered childhood such as the one you're giving them.

Socialising in the school environment under adult supervision, at weekend parties with adult supervision, and at summer activities under adult supervision are not really a good preparation for the freedom of the teen years.

I would suggest to you that the best way to learn to handle situations is to gain experience dealing with a variety of other people in less formal settings.

There's no 'obsession' with sleepovers or playdates - this is as normal a part of many children's childhoods and their families' lives as reading, choosing books from the library together, eating dinner together, going places together for fun on the weekend, etc.

I’ve 4 kids and yes three sets of parents (but two with same ds) and all lovely people who I’d have chatted to at the school gates- aged 9/10. The third instance the dad had apparently just left as we turned up, had to pop to the shops but ‘is grand as older brother is there’. Got to door and the college aged friends were sitting on the doorstep with the brother with cans. Was a lovely summer evening and they seemed like nice guys but I was like wtf. Dh was away at the time so I was bending my sister’s ear and she talked me out of ringing. On the Monday I said he’d had a great time and thanks and she was uncomfortable and said sorry her dh had gone to the shop and I said oh it’s grand but I thought I was at the wrong house nearly with the guys drinking and she just nodded and we stared at each other. (Are since back to normal and our kids are teens now)