What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

[StrawberryTartIet]

My DC aged 10 has slept at Grandparents and a friends house who lives a few doors down from us that we are all friends as grown ups to. I don't allow school friend sleepovers yet. It's becoming difficult as school best friend has slept at ours but I don't want my daughter to go to their yet but they are asking. I know the parents and they havent done amything to bother me but I just dont feel comfortable handing my child to them overnight! I feel the risk of SA is not worth it, however upset she is mow it would be worse to find out she was placed at risk of SA!

But what age do we have to ignore our fears!!?

Wow.

Q00%, I do really feel for the people on this thread who don't want their kids to miss out also. It's so difficult isn't it, you don't want to place irrational anxiety on children and want them to thrive socially, but the risk is huge and for most too big to gamble with. Secondary school onwards might be a good compromise? Depends on the maturity of the child but it's more the sort of age you can have conversations with them and they can pick up on other weird behaviours that children may not to begin with. Or not even weird behaviours, even just dysfunctional households and they can make their own judgement on whether they want to stay somewhere, are more likely to have their own phone with them etc.

This thread makes it obvious why there’s a mental health crisis in kids now. The paranoia and anxiety in parents!! And totally out of proportion to the risk. Mine are toddler / baby, but I am vowing now not to raise them in such a fearful and paranoid way/

Wow what? Do you follow the news?

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/rapist-police-officer-david-carrick-33610254.amp

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/mark-tyrrell-police-wayne-couzens-b2606870.html

www.standard.co.uk/news/crime/met-police-officer-cliff-mitchell-rape-appeal-jailed-b1172856.html

Really unnecessary comment. Let's not derail an important discussion that could lead to children being safeguarded.

You think there is a mental health crisis in children that haven’t been allowed to go to a sleepover as 8 year olds?

Cannot remember specific ages but my three definitely had sleepovers about 6 . All ok and had fun . Their friends stayed regularly as well.
It never crossed my mind or my friends parents about SA ..all level headed fully functioning adults now!

7 years old.

Really unnecessary comment. Let's not derail an important discussion that could lead to children being safeguarded

it is not unnecessary when you’re stating ‘as a police officer I wouldn’t allow this’ multiple times.

What has this got to do with children going on a sleepover? Because I made mention to my profession which has a baring on my views? Are you saying that because of my profession I ought to have a different view? I'm so confused.

I'm going to check out of this thread now as it's not fair on the Op to derail it so much.

I said it once and it's entirely relevant? I'm not sure what the issue is but you've mentioned it far more. As I said I won't engage anymore this is just bizarre.

I don't allow it

You never know who else the parents have invited over, when your child is also there

Even at bil's, my kids slept over and over they'd invited this random couple over.

I had no idea who these people were

Of course. But it’s detailing the thread a bit don’t you think? The risks this poster has pointed out still exist. For what it’s worth my children didn’t / don’t do sleepovers at anyone’s houses, and if they were police officers it wouldn’t change my stance. The thread isn’t about the police and the predators within the force, it’s about allowing young children to sleep at friends houses.

Well...yes I do know that, not sure where I said she was staying with family either. The discussion was regarding sleepover at friends houses.
People choices regarding their own families are up to them. We only trust my mum, whose single.

Children are more likely to be SA in their own home, or by a relative or family friend. Statistically, children are safer from SA at a school friends house for a sleepover then they are at home/grandparents house.

I was a criminal defence solicitor for 20 years, I dealt with lots of sex offenders. It didn’t influence me at all in allowing sleepovers for my sons (and hosting them ) from age 6 going on 7. They were enormous fun, kids staying up very late, having midnight feasts and sliding down the stairs in sleeping bags, hiding the dog in their room etc etc Both boys retained these friends right through their school years and I was still getting up to find some of them asleep even in uni holidays. In my view sleepovers are very beneficial provided you know the other parents well.

I absolutely will not allow sleepovers. At all.
I had a bad experience myself on a sleepover as a child and I know of someone whose DC was tragically murdered on a sleepover by the host's ex-partner who broke in and killed them all.
Yes the latter is staggeringly unlikely but the former really isn't. It just wasn’t talked about in the 80s when it happened to me and still isn't talked about enough these days. Nope. It's not worth the risk and even though my DC has friends who I would trust utterly and without hesitation, it's easier to just stick to a blanket no sleepover rule. (easier for my Autistic child to understand).

I knew the parents when it happened to me on a sleepover! I'd known them since I was 2!!!!

90% of child sexual abuse is by someone the victim knew......

Nope. You can use as many exclamation marks and capitals as you wish and I don’t agree. My kids at uni still reminisce about all the fun they had at sleepovers at primary school! So glad I didn’t smother them and allowed them fun at the houses of parents I trusted.

This! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Erin Merryn in the USA has managed to change the law is 38 different states, on the education of children in schools re: body safety, as a survivor of child sexual abuse herself. If anyone knows everything there is to know on statistics, likelihoods, etc it's her! In each of those 18 states, she has petitioned congress, stood and spoken to crowds of people and lobbied about CSA.

She too has a blanket ban on sleepovers for her own children. I'm with her, sorry.

www.erinslaw.org

You are absolutely correct.. and no it's not just the blanket sleep over ban from some parents - it is a symptom of the massive disparity between risk and reality.

There is a huge issue with children suffering with Anxiety and there is doesn't just happen . Kids aren't born anxious.

Children of anxious parents are at heightened risk of developing an anxiety disorder of their own, but promising research indicates that targeting parenting behaviours can reduce the risk of intergenerational transmission of anxiety. - University of Sussex research study into the effect of parental anxiety on children's mental health. - published in the Journal of Psychology 23/03/2022.

Dd’s friend’s parents are both in the police. Idk when they started allowing sleepovers as dd wasn’t very good friends with her until she was about 14. But I’ve never even met her parents and she’s slept here loads.

As for when we started allowing regular sleepovers, it was when dd was about 8.

I knew the parents when it happened to me on a sleepover! I'd known them since I was 2!!!!* 90% of child sexual abuse is by someone the victim knew......*

I am genuinely really sorry that happened to you and I can completely understand why you would choose not to allow your children to attend sleepovers. But on the flip side, I attended more sleepovers than I can count in my childhood, far more than my own children I admit, and I loved them, and that has coloured by own view on what I allow for my children. If we get statistical, I am sure that the vast majority of sleepovers do not result in abuse and as such are an acceptable thing for most parents. Ultimately, we can only go on our experiences and gut.

So glad nothing happened to them. I mean that genuinely.