What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

[StrawberryTartIet]

My DC aged 10 has slept at Grandparents and a friends house who lives a few doors down from us that we are all friends as grown ups to. I don't allow school friend sleepovers yet. It's becoming difficult as school best friend has slept at ours but I don't want my daughter to go to their yet but they are asking. I know the parents and they havent done amything to bother me but I just dont feel comfortable handing my child to them overnight! I feel the risk of SA is not worth it, however upset she is mow it would be worse to find out she was placed at risk of SA!

But what age do we have to ignore our fears!!?

Why have a child at all? I mean the risk something bad might happen to them is so high, it's not worth the risk of them being harmed. Not having children is the best way to protect them from harm.

I mean this in all sincerity.

Why bother having kids if all you are going to do is worry about everything that might happen to a point that you stop actually living life out of fear?

I honestly don’t understand how not going to sleepovers mean you’re not living your life or living in fear. Surely most decent parents have some rules regarding the safety of their children. Some parents on the estate I used to live on would let their children play out on the streets as young as 7. Other parents in the street didn’t allow that. Some kids were allowed out until 9pm, others had a 7pm curfew. Some walked to school in year 4 alone, others were year 6 or not until secondary. I’m sure you must have some rules that other parents disagree with and allow things you don’t. Do you really think the children not allowed to sleepovers under the age of 10 are not allowed to do anything at all and can’t gain independence without that experience ??

I mean it very genuinely.

Why have kids if you can't cope with normal every day life?

Why restrict your child's opportunities so much because of your own anxieties?

Why bother?

What's the point in life if you are going to stay in your house, never leave it, never interact with anyone, look at everything and everyone as too risky?

All your children are for are to validate you and not have their own experiences.

It's incredibly sad that people are living in such fear of something that is very unlikely to ever happen that they are denying their children experiences and presumably the opportunity to develop skills from being somewhere without their parents. As I assume if you don't allow sleepovers you don't allow playing out. How the fuck have we got here in such a short time? Why are people
choosing to let fear and anxiety run their and their children's lives? And we wonder why mental health issues are prolific in the younger generation.

This 100%. Children don't develop skills and confidence by just getting older. They need to be exposed to experiences that allow them to develop those skills and that confidence.

I would agree if parents really are doing that. Wrapping them in maybe too many layers of cotton wool. But I think it’s probably more a case of us all just having slightly different rules but still hopefully producing well rounded future adults. 😅

can’t speak for the other parents not allowing sleepovers at a young age, but for me personally, I allowed playing out at 9/10, along with walking to school with a friend at that age. Then from secondary, DD was catching the train to school, allowed into town with friends. DD involved in a few clubs, hobbies, been on school residential etc.

I think people's reaction reflect different concerns with this current generation - social media, ease of access to pornography, more adults with mental disorders, more blended families which means older DSC, more awareness of SA with people being more outspoken, the internet etc
it could really boil down to this being "just a different time with different societal concerns.
So the life you may have had then is different and not something believe people have any longer.

@Nataliaa I don't feel you need to defend yourself :) there are many things your DD can do besides going on a sleep over to gain confidence.
I never went on a sleep over, a bit of an alien concept in the very Asian country I grew up in. I only know of it as a western thing I watched on tv, it's perfectly fine to miss out on there are other ways in which people can grow up.

But clearly plenty of people still live the sort of life you believe no longer exists?

@mathanxiety I'm trying to explain why people may be worried. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, just that some people feel they have more things to be worried about.

Following with interest. How do people reconcile given that sexual abuse is usually done by people that the victims know and that they are often threatened or ashamed so even though they know it's wrong are unlikely to tell. I was a victim at 16! It's interesting to see the thread where people are not ok with their 2yo showering naked at the pools (female changing rooms at that), yet ok with their young children having sleepovers. To me the latter seems much more risky.

We had DD’s friend to sleep over for the first time when they were 4, because her mum was taken into hospital and her dad wanted to be with her. That same friend slept over again at 5 for her parents to have a night away. DD never wanted to go to any sleepovers until she was 10, and since then, she and her friend group have had regular sleepovers - lots of them end up being at ours and some have been impromptu like if the girls have been over for the afternoon they’ve asked if it can be a sleepover and have then gone home to collect their stuff. We do have an open door policy for DD’s friends and our house seems to be the place they often gather. We have someone over for tea at least once a week. They’re 14 now.

I find this so sad. Play dates are such a big part of growing up - I have wonderful childhood memories of spending long summer days at my friend’s house on the farm, playing outside making dens, feeding the lambs etc.

DD used to have weekly play dates with one friend from the age of 3, one week we’d go to his house and the next he and his mum would come to ours. She would be 5 or 6 when she started going to her friends’ houses after school or for a day in the holidays and she’s got such happy memories of this. She’s had the same 3 best friends since they were 3, they’re now 14 and we know all the families really well. There’s one girl in her extended friend group whose parents I’ve never met despite them being friends for 6 years - this girl comes to ours a lot and has had sleepovers here but I wouldn’t allow DD to sleep there with me never having even set eyes on the parents.

Anxiety disorders run in my family, and my older daughter showed signs of one from a very young age. I think it’s so sad that children who would normally be just fine are being made anxious by an overemphasis on avoiding danger. It’s not fun to live with, so if a child isn’t naturally inclined towards anxiety, I would hope people would be thankful for that and not push them into it.

Statistically it is true that you're child is more likely to be abused by a family member. It might be an unpleasant fact, but it remains a fact.

This is unbelievably sad. Your poor friend, to have her father do that, but then to have it compounded by her mother not protecting her. I hope she's okay.

I work for social services and don't allow sleepovers. I think it's quite telling that anyone in a similar field on this thread also doesn't!

💯%

I actually don’t think “working for social services” makes your view more valuable. . That means you see the absolute worst cases not the thousands of times it’s fine and a normal positive part of childhood. If you took that view you would never get in a car or leave the house.

My BIL was anxious about dsis labour as an anaesthestist he only saw the births that went wrong he’d not often experienced perfectly normal natural childbirth so even though on paper he sounded more experienced than the layman he wasn’t.

No wonder this generation are anxious and addicted to screens. Very sad.

We allowed from about 9 or 10 years old.

I have noticed that people who work in the kind of jobs where they see the worst kind of family fall out often have a blanket ban.

I don't think either position is wrong. I think society has become too risk averse and I'd like to see children having more independence. But when you really know what the bad outcome could be and it's easy to prevent I can see why you'd just do that.

The bottom line for me is this:-

SA is very common. Some studies say 1 in 4 children will experience it. It's most likely from people they know (not just family) and not strangers

I allow play dates and have unaccompanied from age 4. My children play out. They are highly sociable. Friends are important. But I draw the line at sleepovers. It's a valid stance given what I see at work and given the risks. Of course SA could occur during a normal paydatw but I choose 'not to live in fear' and sleepovers are my hard line. Nobody can persuade me a sleeping child is not inherently vulnerable.

I do not have anxiety. I am not afraid of life. Far from it! I was never allowed sleepovers as a child and many of my friends were. I still thrived and turned out well (I think!)

Let's not pit parents against one another. If I know a family allows sleepovers I don't spend a second thinking about their choice for their children. I certainly don't name call. We constantly tell our children that every family makes their own rules. I can't understand the defensiveness and rudeness towards other posters some are showing on this thread. What's this teaching our children?

And finally - something I rarely see mentioned. We don't allow sleepovers in our own home either because of the risk to my husband of a child making an allegation against him. Rare of course but it happens. I've send it through my work. My husband is not comfortable with that risk and I agree.

Are you trying to change my words for me because you cannot comprehend my stance? I don't care if people are 'shocked' (as you say therefore backing your own argument).

I do not need to clarify anything for you. You take the risks you feel are manageable for your DC and I'll carry on as I am.

This seems to have triggered many people.

Understandable if they were raised in a different era. I wish my parents had had that conversation with me in the 90s, but I guess things relating to SA weren’t spoken about as much then. These days though, I hope more parents are having these conversations.

I don’t know why so many people are shocked that some people don’t allow sleepovers. Did most of you not grow up around people from other cultures? In many non-European cultures sleepovers are a no no. I don’t know the backgrounds of those saying it’s a straight no, but it really isn’t that shocking.