What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

[StrawberryTartIet]

My DC aged 10 has slept at Grandparents and a friends house who lives a few doors down from us that we are all friends as grown ups to. I don't allow school friend sleepovers yet. It's becoming difficult as school best friend has slept at ours but I don't want my daughter to go to their yet but they are asking. I know the parents and they havent done amything to bother me but I just dont feel comfortable handing my child to them overnight! I feel the risk of SA is not worth it, however upset she is mow it would be worse to find out she was placed at risk of SA!

But what age do we have to ignore our fears!!?

Im not against sleepovers, but your children should definitely know which body parts are private and not for touching if they are ever in anybody else’s care.

You have been incredibly judgmental on this thread!

Well that'll be because I am judging, I'm not hiding that, it's a discussion 🤷‍♀️

I allowed sleepovers from about 7/8 but only with families we knew well. Unfortunately you can't eliminate all risk completely. There were one or two friends from rather chaotic households and I had to tell my boys not to ask if they could sleep there as the answer would always be no but that their friend could stay over at ours.

@StolenChanel My children are adults now but we never had a specific conversation about it.

I’m really surprised at most of these responses. It’s not attack on your parenting if someone doesn’t allow sleepovers but you do. Why are people accusing the ‘blanket no’ parents of having mental health problems? Maybe those of you allowing them are prioritising socialising over safety.

This is our stance as well. I never had any sleepover in anyone’s house growing up (besides family and organised ones at school etc) and I’ve grown up to be a well rounded adult. I can say I did not miss out on a single thing.
DD1 is 11 and interestingly, she has never asked to go on a sleepover, she is just not the type of child who is interested in sleeping in someone’s house. She goes to camp with brownies, school residential and her netball club and she’s happy with that. She has organised play dates, activities, etc in the day with friends, just not sleeping over.
On this issue of play dates, mumsnet always seem like a different world entirely to the world I live in, all the parents of DD’s friends don’t do sleep overs either so I’ve not even had to decline one because it’s just not a thing.

@Nataliaa I agree I think different parenting styles is likely more a concern for me, like the example someone gave where they were allowed to walk to a shop, that kind of risk is more likely I feel but easily mitigated by how well you know the parents, your children, and I find that easier to screen for. We have a circle of parents in our neighbourhood that host sleepovers and we are all similarly minded, a trust that has built over time, starting with play dates building up to sleepovers. You get to know parents when they message and ask if your kids have allergies, what time you'd like them to go to bed, if they're allowed fizzy drinks that kind of thing. That doesn't happen over night but it's a trust that is built. No I can't know if the men in the house are sexual offenders, but if I lived like that it would be a very fearful and limiting childhood. As a parent I've found a balance I'm comfortable with, without any dramatic bans before I've even got to that stage.

I think it’s quite telling that the posters being angry, name calling are the ones allowing sleepovers. Maybe feeling a bit guilty

So going on your stats, 8 in 9 people who take flights die mid flight. Sorry but when I take notice of stats they are from a reliable source not one that's one step from batshit crazy.

True! I can't believe how common it is sadly for bad things to happen. A risk I'd never take but obviously I do only see worst.

So just because you're in an environment where this works for you, you're judging people who may not be in similar circumstances.

Not saying that all the parents allowing these things should feel guilty. But the ones getting mad with the parents that don’t allow it must be carrying some sort of guilt or why the anger??

As a teacher, I see it start to happen around Year 3/4 onwards.

As a parent, I’m facing this battle at the moment. DD1 is in Year 1 and desperate for a sleepover at a couple of friends’ houses. I know the parents well, the girls have known each other since well before school, but I’ve still said she needs to wait until she’s 8.

DD1 is very confident with adults, socially mature and thrives on time with her friends so we shall be fine with her going then (well, DH might not sleep). DD2 is only in preschool but is already noticeably less confident and sociable than her sister, so I’d want her go wait until I know she has the ability to handle herself more with other adults, even if that’s beyond age 8.

You as a parent know when your child is ready, but I think that’s got to be the key; when the child is ready, not you. Our fears as parents shouldn’t impact on our children’s lives.

Agreed. Bitchy comments like ‘have you got any friends OP?’ As if the only way to develop friendships is by sleeping over.

I had to laugh at that one 😂 just made themselves look ridiculous

Never both my children know sleepovers aren’t allowed for our family. When they get to 15/16 and at a party this might be difficult but I would still like to enforce it if possible but who knows with teenagers

I feel you’re being a bit mean! Hard to her to understand and she may be teased because of it. You need to have a talk with her first and if you know the parents well, it shouldn’t be an issue.

God yes I'm thinking exactly this.
DH and I are both safeguarding officers, there will be absolutely no sleepovers for DD.

What happens about school trips and things like brownies and cubs?

No sleepover house here.

Retired solicitor.

Conversation sticks in my mind with a case I had. I was junior for counsel, in car, she took a call from her daughter wanting a sleepover. She declined. Her daughter screaming at her why can't you be normal.

After she hung up she said that it was her hard rule and after what she has seen as a criminal solicitor and barrister it would never happen.

She was city, I was country. I still think, now as a parent. Of that discussion. I am in a different setting, very small community but her words and indeed my own experiences have cemented what she said.

Would you let them go on school residential trips?

I note previous poster from the police saying no to sleepovers. I am involved in the prosecution of paedophiles. I will never allow my children to go on or have sleepovers. This is very common among my colleagues. Almost all of us say a blanket no to them.

I would be teaching my child to find better friends if they tease her for not being allowed to sleep in their beds. They can still be friends and sleep in their own homes 😂

God yes I'm thinking exactly this.
DH and I are both safeguarding officers, there will be absolutely no sleepovers for DD

but then you would know that most sexual assault is committed by close family members. So many on here saying, no friends’ houses but family is ok. When it’s more likely your uncle, dad, brother is the one sexually assaulting your child

Unfortunately this comment will either be ignored or someone else will tell you how bad the police are, or how they know someone in the police that lets their child sleep seemingly anywhere at all. 😑