What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

[StrawberryTartIet]

My DC aged 10 has slept at Grandparents and a friends house who lives a few doors down from us that we are all friends as grown ups to. I don't allow school friend sleepovers yet. It's becoming difficult as school best friend has slept at ours but I don't want my daughter to go to their yet but they are asking. I know the parents and they havent done amything to bother me but I just dont feel comfortable handing my child to them overnight! I feel the risk of SA is not worth it, however upset she is mow it would be worse to find out she was placed at risk of SA!

But what age do we have to ignore our fears!!?

Poor kid @Jellybeanbag. you’re setting them up for a life of anxiety, non independence and social exclusion.

do you yourself have friends?

When it comes to my child, I'll decide thank you. Doesn't make me a bad parent. There are many ways a child can socialize. Don't see the need to shame a mother/parent for their decisions.
By the way, I'm an immigrant in this country and I got here by plane, so yes I do travel.

I am not against sleepovers for primary school age kids under 8, just don't think they "need" them as some parents portray.

My kids don't "need" holidays, or birthday parties, hugs or toys. I don't know about you, but I've set the bar for my children's childhoods a little higher than meeting their basic needs.

Why on earth would you jump to that conclusion? Not letting your young child SLEEP at another persons house is hardly going to ruin their lives is it. Presumably they still see and play with other children 😂 why do they need to sleep in someone else’s house to gain this independence and great social skills lol

How sad it is to be a kid today.
No wonder they're all depressed and anxious.

@Nataliaa exactly! They're so many other ways to socialize.

Our poor anxiety riddled children with absolutely no hope in the world because we banned sleepovers in their pre teen years 😂

@RedRidingGood my point is simply that it's a slippery slope argument, every decision we take as parents is risk based to some degree, you accept or avoid one risk but then have to accept the downside to it. If you take a very risk averse approach, your child will be missing out on something. I suspect most of the very binary approach parents here yet haven't gotten to the stage or opportunity of the child asking to participate, I do wonder if it will feel that black and white when they come to it.

I remember reading an article by someone who investigated or researched or something like that- child sexual abuse. It included references to multiple other professionals and research saying the same sort of thing. CSA is usually done by people the family know well they groom the whole family as they need the parents trust to do it. The person who wrote the article said they would never allow sleepovers even if it's seen as unfair to the kid it's just not worth the risk. That has stuck with me. I think I may allow sleepovers for teenagers but until then I'm going to be the mean parent who says sleepovers at home only.

what if your husband is the groomer?

One of the kids we've had stay over has a parent in the police, either they didn't get the memo, or we are clearly very trust worthy looking

Just say no

I am in the police and I will never, ever, ever allow sleepovers, ever. The sad thing is there's no certain type of person who we can really say is or isn't safe and the risk isn't worth it IMO

I mean, fucking hell, many people in the police have been proven to be rapists, murderers etc. Maybe some of us mix in better circles than the police

One in nine girls are a victim of CSA. One in nine people who take flights don't die doing so.
I'm not at age where this is an issue yet but h do think it's sensible to take the risk very seriously

Very judgemental to assume that I have a risk averse approach to everything.
My point is, at the end of the day people have to decide what's best for their child.
There are so many factors in play - cultural, precious experiences, postcode etc.
Parents should not be shamed, and made to feel they are damaging their child because they've deemed certain factors unsuitable for a sleepover.

@Nataliaa @RedRidingGood the poster stated she doesn’t allow them to do play dates.

My DC have lots of fun with their friends, but they don't need to be sleeping over anywhere. They're not missing out in my book. Under my roof, with my family. No questions whether they might be exposed to anything by a parent, peer on peer abuse, older siblings, boyfriends/girlfriends, random people coming to the home

but hang on…what….what…if your husband/ dad/ son is the abuser. As you say, you just don’t know anyone….

I took that as she does not allow her young children to go unsupervised to homes that she does not know, of other adults that she does not know or does not know well. Why is that such a bad thing?

😂

I'm not at age where this is an issue yet but h do think it's sensible to take the risk very seriously

I'm not saying don't take it seriously, I'm a woman, I'm acutely aware of the vulnerability of our sex especially when young, but I don't think deciding a blanket ban when you have a toddler is a rational or reasoned approach, and it's not how I parent. We can't and shouldn't wrap our children up in cotton wool which things it's own equally (if not more) common dangers, there are steps we can take to approach these situations.

I've asked once before but I don't think anyone answered, id be really interested to know ihow a parent has explained to a child they are not allowed to go to sleepover when their overriding fear is SA.

Wow, so much judgment on this thread! It all depends on what parents experienced in their own childhood. If in their household, play dates/sleep overs/open door were a norm, it would be an essential thing to do for their kids too. Other families may have different rules/experiences and yet their kid’s childhood was not less fun and they did not turn up socially awkward. Each parent is free to set their own rules for their kids, why judge?! Also all kids are different, some will simply feel uncomfortable in someone’s else house. And if you live in the village or big city.
i don’t get why kids cannot learn how to ask for loo etc while going to be guests in some else house with their parents or when attending clubs etc? Why private conversations and unsupervised play could not happen in the park/on the playground? Does it always have to be in someone else’s home?! Do what’s best for your kids and let others to make their own choices without judging.

I don’t think OP is unreasonable.

Very judgemental to assume that I have a risk averse approach to everything.

I didn't say you did, you have a risk averse approach to this topic, I'm just saying, that it doesn't come without negatives, as I say, come back to me when your child is invited to "THE" sleepover of the year, that their friends are talking about incessantly all week at school and then tell me how easy it was to say no because her dad might do something.

My teen daughter goes to friends houses now- she is mid teens though. She’s not bothered about sleeping over though, she likes her own bed. But she does go to to friends homes. But she’s now at an age where she understands risks, knows about grooming, sexual abuse etc, knows how to keep herself as safe as possible, is very mature and open with me about everything, has a phone with our numbers stored in several ways (a safety type app installed) has a personal attack alarm etc etc. she’s not anxious at all. Just mature and knowledgeable and able to assess risks better than a 7 or 8 year old that cannot

Also it’s not just SA risk. It’s the fact what else goes on behind closed doors. I knew a mum for years with absolutely no idea she was a cocaine addict with social service involvement and her children were eventually on child protection risk. Also didn’t know a friend was being abused by her husband until she confided in me 2 years in to the marriage. Other parents might let their children have unrestricted social media access, or watch inappropriate films. Older brothers or sisters might be inappropriate- maybe language you don’t want your children hearing. Differences in how they discipline… so many things. I would rather not have to interview parents to allow my children there- they could also lie anyway! Much better to just not take the risk and wait.

You have been incredibly judgmental on this thread!

There's sleepovers and sleepovers.

Many parents allow sleepovers with grandparents or aunts and uncles.

Many parents allow children to go on brownie/cub camps away and later scout or guide camps.

Personally I wasn't keen on sleepovers because nobody got much sleep, me included if I was hosting them.

Mine did sleepovers from a very early age (6) but only with a couple of families we knew very well.