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Original poster

What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

262 replies

StrawberryTartIet · 07/09/2024 14:53

My DC aged 10 has slept at Grandparents and a friends house who lives a few doors down from us that we are all friends as grown ups to. I don't allow school friend sleepovers yet. It's becoming difficult as school best friend has slept at ours but I don't want my daughter to go to their yet but they are asking. I know the parents and they havent done amything to bother me but I just dont feel comfortable handing my child to them overnight! I feel the risk of SA is not worth it, however upset she is mow it would be worse to find out she was placed at risk of SA!

But what age do we have to ignore our fears!!?

OP posts:
Whenthechipshitthefan · 07/09/2024 20:14

My DD8 is about to go to her first sleepover party. Because of mumsnet I've been really reluctant to let her. But I know the mum well. I trust her. She's 5mins away and if DD wants to come home any time Ill go get her.

My question is- what do you talk to your DDs about before they go? I don't want to worry her unnecessarily but I want her to be confident to not be put in any situation that makes her uncomfortable.

Zanatdy · 07/09/2024 20:20

Reading this thread is very sad. Many DC prevented from enjoying normal childhood things due to their mothers anxiety. Thankfully looking at the poll it’s a different matter and most think OP is unreasonable. Mumsnet is a mad place

BranstonPickleAndNikNaks · 07/09/2024 20:23

My DC are small so this isn't yet an issue, but we won't be doing sleepovers.
My neice was sexually abused aged 7 by a friend's older brother at a sleepover. I was groomed over a couple of years by a friend's dad - a very trusted friend of my parents- when I was a pre-teen. This included a lot of grey area type activity during sleepovers - (clothed) back massages, or my friend and I would be sitting on the sofa watching a movie and he would come and snuggle up with us both, lots of just slightly inappropriate compliments and presents - before progressing to more obviously inappropriate/abusive activity. But the initial stuff was so insidious, and explainable, and he was such a close family friend, I kept second guessing my discomfort... and none of it was strictly wrong, until of course it was.
For me the risk is just too great. 25 years later I'm still affected by my experience - it really shaped my view of sex, sexuality, relationships, trust, femininity, masculinity... and I'm not 100% convinced that I won't pass some of my unhealthy beliefs around those topics on to my children in turn. SA blows your life apart.

TLMTTCSJTT1 · 07/09/2024 20:23

I am in the police and I will never, ever, ever allow sleepovers, ever. The sad thing is there's no certain type of person who we can really say is or isn't safe and the risk isn't worth it IMO.

5475878237NC · 07/09/2024 20:25

Jellybeanbag · 07/09/2024 15:08

Blanket ban in my house.

I don't allow my DC to attend sleepovers or playdates at anyone's house, I don't care how well I 'know' the parents.

We don't really know if someone is a predator. We don't know what people are like behind closed doors. I will not be taking any risks with my kids.

Meeting friends in the park, bowling, cinema is fine with me there whilst they are young.

As they get to their teenage years and can handle themselves better, they can go by themselves.

Same here.

I really hope people sending seven year olds are having conversations about what is and isn't OK.

TealPoet · 07/09/2024 20:26

I would have said seven or eight for school friends - 10 seems pretty old to be honest…

mm81736 · 07/09/2024 20:27

In this area 7 is the norm

ChickAndTheDuck · 07/09/2024 20:31

I never had any conversations with my kids regarding what is and isn't ok. I feel that would unnecessarily scare them as young kids don't really need to be burdened with that information. They just need to be kids and enjoy themselves.

ASpritzOfMyFavouritePerfume · 07/09/2024 20:33

Jellybeanbag · 07/09/2024 15:08

Blanket ban in my house.

I don't allow my DC to attend sleepovers or playdates at anyone's house, I don't care how well I 'know' the parents.

We don't really know if someone is a predator. We don't know what people are like behind closed doors. I will not be taking any risks with my kids.

Meeting friends in the park, bowling, cinema is fine with me there whilst they are young.

As they get to their teenage years and can handle themselves better, they can go by themselves.

Wow. Just watch out when your DC rebel. Which they will.

Tarantella6 · 07/09/2024 20:33

8/9 but for parties so there were multiple children there. Similarly we've only hosted sleepovers with more than one child. Not sure if that reassures people or not but it feels like it would be way more effort for a predator to get one away from the others!

GlobalCitz · 07/09/2024 20:33

TLMTTCSJTT1 · 07/09/2024 20:23

I am in the police and I will never, ever, ever allow sleepovers, ever. The sad thing is there's no certain type of person who we can really say is or isn't safe and the risk isn't worth it IMO.

I was about to post this.

The same way an AE doctor will tell you to cut grapes for your toddler, don't ride a motorbike and be weary of trampolines, a lot of professionals in law enforcement and social work won't let their children attend sleepovers.

Older siblings, mummy's friends, sister's boyfriend... So many variables.

It's a blanket ban in this household until they're well into their secondary years.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 07/09/2024 20:35

DD was 7 when she had the first sleepover, one here then one at her friend’s.

RedRidingGood · 07/09/2024 20:43

Jellybeanbag · 07/09/2024 16:23

It's each to their own with what they allow.

My rules might be crazy to some, but that's ok. Others rules to allow sleepovers, especially at a young age are crazy to me.

My DC have lots of fun with their friends, but they don't need to be sleeping over anywhere. They're not missing out in my book. Under my roof, with my family. No questions whether they might be exposed to anything by a parent, peer on peer abuse, older siblings, boyfriends/girlfriends, random people coming to the home.

So, I'm happy with my choice.

As I say, when they get older, they'll be going out with their friends. That's absolutely fine with me. They can go round to their friends when they're older, when they will be more confident and know how to handle situations, have a phone and even be old enough to walk out of situations if they feel uncomfortable.

This whole obsession with sleepovers/playdates is bizarre to me. They see their friends at school, see they some weekends, at parties and during the holidays at activities etc. But each to their own.

I for one agree with you. I don't feel the need to put them at risk when they're so young. You never really know people. Thinking of the French rape case as an example.

poptake · 07/09/2024 20:47

You never really know people. Thinking of the French rape case as an example.

Do you never go on a plane due to historic terrorist attacks? You never know.

Jellybeanbag · 07/09/2024 20:48

ASpritzOfMyFavouritePerfume · 07/09/2024 20:33

Wow. Just watch out when your DC rebel. Which they will.

Show quote history

Will they?

Well i'd rather take that risk than place them at risk of something much worse.

Just read the posts here of people who had/whose children had been placed at risk or situations they didn't approve of. In particular the poster who had sleepovers at a friends home who was being SA by her father, who had a respectable job. Easy to overlook that isn't it?

You're happy with your decision and its not my concern what you choose to do.

Its also not your concern what I choose to do.

Groomers thrive on situations like this.

Nataliaa · 07/09/2024 20:49

Jellybeanbag · 07/09/2024 16:23

It's each to their own with what they allow.

My rules might be crazy to some, but that's ok. Others rules to allow sleepovers, especially at a young age are crazy to me.

My DC have lots of fun with their friends, but they don't need to be sleeping over anywhere. They're not missing out in my book. Under my roof, with my family. No questions whether they might be exposed to anything by a parent, peer on peer abuse, older siblings, boyfriends/girlfriends, random people coming to the home.

So, I'm happy with my choice.

As I say, when they get older, they'll be going out with their friends. That's absolutely fine with me. They can go round to their friends when they're older, when they will be more confident and know how to handle situations, have a phone and even be old enough to walk out of situations if they feel uncomfortable.

This whole obsession with sleepovers/playdates is bizarre to me. They see their friends at school, see they some weekends, at parties and during the holidays at activities etc. But each to their own.

I completely agree. And even more so, since the tragic story of the children murdered at a sleepover. Think it was a couple of years back. The mum’s boyfriend murdered the mum, daughter and daughters friend that was there for a sleepover. Also, when I was a child I remember going to a sleepover aged 10 and feeling very unsafe at around midnight when the dad came home drunk and beat the mum. I could hear it all but was paralysed with fear. You just never know.

carly2803 · 07/09/2024 20:49

I am not against sleepovers for primary school age kids under 8, just don't think they "need" them as some parents portray.

Mine, with people who are not family - nope not until secondary - my kids, my choice.

No issues for family sleepovers! But not for school friends.

KrisAkabusi · 07/09/2024 20:51

Both mine started around age 10/11

Nataliaa · 07/09/2024 20:51

TLMTTCSJTT1 · 07/09/2024 20:23

I am in the police and I will never, ever, ever allow sleepovers, ever. The sad thing is there's no certain type of person who we can really say is or isn't safe and the risk isn't worth it IMO.

Everyone needs to read this. If the POLICE wouldn’t do it, take note!! It’s not worth the risk!!

RedRidingGood · 07/09/2024 20:53

BranstonPickleAndNikNaks · 07/09/2024 20:23

My DC are small so this isn't yet an issue, but we won't be doing sleepovers.
My neice was sexually abused aged 7 by a friend's older brother at a sleepover. I was groomed over a couple of years by a friend's dad - a very trusted friend of my parents- when I was a pre-teen. This included a lot of grey area type activity during sleepovers - (clothed) back massages, or my friend and I would be sitting on the sofa watching a movie and he would come and snuggle up with us both, lots of just slightly inappropriate compliments and presents - before progressing to more obviously inappropriate/abusive activity. But the initial stuff was so insidious, and explainable, and he was such a close family friend, I kept second guessing my discomfort... and none of it was strictly wrong, until of course it was.
For me the risk is just too great. 25 years later I'm still affected by my experience - it really shaped my view of sex, sexuality, relationships, trust, femininity, masculinity... and I'm not 100% convinced that I won't pass some of my unhealthy beliefs around those topics on to my children in turn. SA blows your life apart.

I'm very sorry to hear this :(

AliasGrape · 07/09/2024 20:54

DD is only 4 and it’s not come up yet, but I can’t imagine allowing them during primary age range.

IOYOYO · 07/09/2024 20:55

Of course I want to protect my children, but I also believe that fostering a wider relationship with trusted friends has an array of benefits for everyone. Growing children thrive with gradual, thoughtful independence…it’s on that basis that my dd has been having sleepovers with friends from 7. All families are local family friends who I know well and we reciprocate. Fears over SA and other types can loom large but I don’t believe the threat is so big that it should blight our lives and make them smaller. There’s always a balanced decision to be made and I’m putting my faith in trusting that my child is safe in my community of friends.

ChickAndTheDuck · 07/09/2024 20:55

@Nataliaa That actually happened not far from where I live. Tragic story. Thankfully incredibly rare though. It wouldn't have put me off letting my children have sleepovers, they used to have so much fun doing it. Likewise, when I was a child, so many great memories.

Tomorrowisyesterday · 07/09/2024 20:56

Nataliaa · 07/09/2024 20:51

Everyone needs to read this. If the POLICE wouldn’t do it, take note!! It’s not worth the risk!!

Show quote history

It's not "the police" though it's one person in the police.

Nataliaa · 07/09/2024 20:57

Tomorrowisyesterday · 07/09/2024 20:56

It's not "the police" though it's one person in the police.

Show quote history

If you know anyone in the police ask them. Same with social workers. You will find it’s the majority that would agree