What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

[StrawberryTartIet]

My DC aged 10 has slept at Grandparents and a friends house who lives a few doors down from us that we are all friends as grown ups to. I don't allow school friend sleepovers yet. It's becoming difficult as school best friend has slept at ours but I don't want my daughter to go to their yet but they are asking. I know the parents and they havent done amything to bother me but I just dont feel comfortable handing my child to them overnight! I feel the risk of SA is not worth it, however upset she is mow it would be worse to find out she was placed at risk of SA!

But what age do we have to ignore our fears!!?

We’ve been hosting and attending sleepover type events with dc at all ages. The youngest age my friends dcs have slept over at my home without their parents
was 9 weeks old. Friends from school, age 4 we have hosted and attended sleepovers. We often visit friends and stay in their house, or they visit us and stay here, or friends come for dinner and the Dc fall asleep and we decide to let them be and they come back for them in the morning. Or we go on camping trips together and the DC all hole up in someone else’s tent so we end up tent swapping. Or we go to festivals and events as a group and someone stays home to watch the kids and then they all end up having an impromptu sleepover or movie night. We’ve done hotel sleepovers, and taken other peoples kids on holiday with us.

Mine first went away with organisations at 7 (school, sports groups, matches, performances, brownies, scouts etc)

Its obviously trickier around 11 as you don’t know the families they are going to, but you will absolutely eventually have to drop them off with people you don’t know and leave them there - no matter what. Better to talk about safety and personal agency and self protection, privacy, what is appropriate, red flags, politeness and why it’s a problem, consent, following your instincts, how to get help, what to do if you are worried for yourself or for a friend, how to call for help, where to go and what to do in an emergency and that it’s entirely ok to make a fuss. And so on and on…

Too much chance of SA from Dads, visiting friends of brothers, peer on peer abuse, doing things you're not ready for, or things like exposure to alcoholic/shouty/violent parents, drugs, badly trained dogs and basically an exposure to a way of life my 7 year old doesn't need.

I feel the risks of SA from a total stranger at a sleepover (eg dad or brother) is somewhat lower than a victim who has been groomed by the perpetrator from a young age. It's obviously never zero, but from a logical perspective, the most likely outcome would be the daughter's friend telling their parents immediately and them going to the police. The perpetrator does not know what relationship the girls have with their parents and whether they can be guaranteed silence through shame or secrecy. Trying to SA a friend of your child at a sleepover is very risky to say the least.

I only realised many years later that my best friend from high school was almost certainly being SA'd by her father. There were many strange clues at the time in her behaviour and speech but which were never picked up as kids. Her subsequent behaviour after leaving school also point to severe trauma. I slept over at her house multiple times and vice versa. At the time I obviously had no idea what her father was like (neither did my parents) but he was very good at appearing totally normal. None of our sleepovers felt off or weird, and he was never sleazy but just kept his distance so we didn't see much of him.

It's only much later that the thought of having been in the same house creeps me out. But at the same time, I feel that sort of SA was typically "within the family" where he knew nobody would find out. I believe her mother also knew what was going on but there was a conspiracy not to break up the family about it. There was a ton of secrecy about the whole thing and he had a respectable job.

Honestly, lovely chatty people, one set of parents both nurses, all in grand estates etc. you just never know where people have different priorities/ rules to you. When I thought of the two kids walking through that estate to a shop that ended up closed down because it was robbed so much and the windows were smashed in so regularly! From then on for all visits I was like ‘ah no god don’t worry, we’ll have him over here’😅😅😅

I think the odds that this policy will mess up your kids is higher than the odds that your kids will be sexually assaulted at a friend’s house. You’re teaching your kids that they should never trust anyone outside the family, ever, and you’re probably offending their friends’ parents, too. “Rosie’s not allowed to stop by ours after school and do homework with you? Well, what sort of people does Rosie’s mum think we are, I wonder?!”

About 8 both my boys started having sleep overs. One kid used to come home on a Friday and stay and go to school Monday! I used to love having them over the kids would have so much fun.

It is a real shame that so many children are banned from sleepovers. It is possible to protect them too much. They'll be banned from leaving the house at this rate.

Of course they aren't essential and children will enjoy other things instead, but they are so much fun. My DD loves them. She had one last night. It was a 9th birthday party and her and 3 other girls from her class stayed with the birthday girl. They watched a film and had pizza and popcorn in their pyjamas. They stayed up way too late because they were chatting and giggling too much to sleep. It's just fun and she is closer to her friends because of it.

What about overnights for school trips, sports clubs, brownies, clubs etc?

I'm not keen. DD is SEN so we've not been asked but I'm not happy with the principle. I like to know she's safe at home. I literally couldn't give a flying fig if anyone judges me for this. I hated sleepovers as a child, much preferred being at home. I'm not emotionally or socially scarred from not going to every sleepover I was invited to. It's not about coddling or making children think they're not safe anywhere other than home, it's about not being bullied into doing something because the wider world deems it to be the social standard. People should just do what they feel is best for their children. That's what parenting is. Your child, your rules.

Should have said, school and club sleepovers are slightly different and I would be led by my DC. But if they didn't fancy it, that's fine by me. I would give them a choice though without steering them.

I now understand why so many kids have anxiety and MH issues.

Jeezo there's a lot of people with real issues on this thread. 😳

I wonder hiw you even leave the house with the fear you have.

As it is something you feel concerned about, could you start small and work up? Start with play dates and always offer / accept a cup of tea and a chat, then only send them to sleepovers if you trust the parent.
Loads of time when my eldest was in primary I'd text parents to say "the kids want to bake and are short a couple of ingredients, are they OK to walk to the shop by themselves?" because I know give my kids more real life freedom and less online freedom than was the norm at their primary. Sort of annoying when they wanted to play in the woods and I had to go too, but I got fresh air and exercise as well! That was a fear of dogs rather than flashers, we all have our own reasons for the choices we make.

My twin DDs are 6.5 and haven't had sleepovers yet. When it comes up, I'll judge it on a 'case by case' basis and I'm not imposing a blanket ban on sleepovers.
As an aside, I was raped by one of my delightful Mother's boyfriends. I'm wary of men as a parent of daughters, but I try not to let my shitty past control decisions around my children to their detriment (easier said than done).

My friend was told by her mother as a teen that she could not catch a train or visit our local town as she could be raped or murdered. She ended up with agoraphobia and missed her GCSEs as she became a school refuser. I believe teaching DC that the world is a dangerous place to be feared is much more dangerous than teaching your DC to navigate the world safely.

For those that ban them what do you tell your kids or what do you plan to tell them if they ask?

It is a real shame that so many children are banned from sleepovers. It is possible to protect them too much. They'll be banned from leaving the house at this rate.

My friend's 5yo was SA'ed by a guest teenager on her older kid's sleepover. So shit really does happen.
I'm not against sleepovers in general, but i prefer them with relatives and family friends, rather than mates from school. Safeguarding is important.

Mine went to her first one age 9, that seems to be the norm here

I think the focus on age is a bit wrong - it's better to focus on who the family are, how well you know them, who else is going to be around (visiting uncle? Older teens?) and how you talk to your child about boundaries and body safety. Also important is that the other family know your talk to your kids about this stuff, so they know your child is confident and not an easy target.

My primary aged kids are allowed sleepovers only with a couple of families where we know both parents very well, are very clear that no one else is sleeping over at the same time, and quite importantly we share the same rules (roughly) on internet use. They are far more likely to be traumatised by something they search online without proper child safety settings.

DS has since he was 7 but we know the family well and they've been besties since they were teeny!

I remember reading an article by someone who investigated or researched or something like that- child sexual abuse. It included references to multiple other professionals and research saying the same sort of thing. CSA is usually done by people the family know well they groom the whole family as they need the parents trust to do it. The person who wrote the article said they would never allow sleepovers even if it's seen as unfair to the kid it's just not worth the risk.

That has stuck with me. I think I may allow sleepovers for teenagers but until then I'm going to be the mean parent who says sleepovers at home only.

I’m fine with sleepovers if DC want them from about age 8. But it’s funny- I really did not enjoy them as a primary school aged child and don’t buy all this “how will your children learn how to behave?” stuff. Plenty of time for that. I remember being homesick, a bit freaked out by the difference of friends’ houses and bedrooms, worried about going to the loo, all kinds of things. I just wanted to be at home in my bed! I’ve not turned out socially inept.. I don’t think…

@NewUser1111 completely agree they're not for all kids, I had a friend who always ended up going home as she got homesick! But kids usually make it pretty clear if they're the sleepover sort (by incessantly asking...)

I think that sometimes we feel that as our children grow we we be able to relax and that even if we prohibit something now, for instance saying no to sleepovers for primary school, then somehow when they grow we will magically be able to say yes to things.

Unfortunately I don't think it works like that. It doesn't get easier unless we make a conscious decision to purposefully rationalise things, or at least that's my experience. Just because your child is now 13 and not 8 you don't worry about things less. The things that you worry about change.

The abuse from a pedophile that you were worried about at 8 suddenly seems less likely and now you are convinced that a 13 year old who has a developed body is a much more likely target from any random male in the vicinity and therefore will worry about her just the same.

I completely understand the worry, because I worried about many things with my children, but I do think that sometimes we have a duty to not let them take over and prevent our children having healthy experiences. Some children are never let out of sight and find it difficult to believe in themselves as a consequence.

Maybe 7/8 I think mine were when they had their first sleepovers. Mainly for friends birthdays.

Really interesting. I have a DD in year 5 and I’m 99% certain that not a single one has had a sleepover. I doubt many would be allowed to either. Perhaps it’s a city thing.