For thinking of speaking to this school mum

[Stickler1]

Yesterday at pick up me and DS heard some boys from his class talking about the school choir that has just been set up. I think there was around 5/6 of them. We heard them saying how they weren’t going and one of them said “I’m not joining the choir because I’m not gay” then came the laughter of the rest of the group.

When we got into the car DS started crying. He said he wanted to join the choir but didn’t now after hearing those comments.

The boys are year 4 so 8/9 years old. I think this kind of talk at this age (or any age actually) is unacceptable. I know who the mum is of the boy who made the gay comment. I was so annoyed yesterday that I was thinking of having a little chat with her on Monday. WIBU to do this?

Speak to the school! Never go directly to parents.

At secondary level that would get you an hour in detention or worse. I doubt speaking to the parent will amend behaviour - children listen and learn from somewhere usually!

The school needs to have an assembly on acceptable attitudes and behaviour highlighting why it's not acceptable to say things are gay or for girls etc.

I take it you don’t have much experience with teenage boys.

I can assure you that many, very many, will use casual slurs like this in front of others (but never at home) as an act of bravado, to play it cool because of the countless times they’ve heard it online, in the playground etc, not because their mum has used it as a regular slur in the house!

I have witnessed many teenage boys saying very silly things despite having very well-educated, enlightened parents who are horrified when they learn of their son’s behaviour.

And your evidence for this is…….where?

Teenagers? Based on the age of the children we are talking about I take it you don’t have much experience with numbers.

But you’re suggesting that all children who use the word ‘gay’ as an insult come from homophobic, unenlightened households with ‘anti-gay’ agendas. What a lovely little simplistic world you live in.

The boys OP is referring to are indeed not teenagers but no doubt have heard the slur used elsewhere in their life rather than from a homophobic mother. Just because they are using this language doesn’t mean the parents are bigots.

A while ago my 6 year old son went through a phase of wearing leggings to school for PE. He got teased by two boys who kept telling him they were for girls and he looked silly. One of the boys has gay parents.

I’ve not suggested anything of the sort. I like to stick to the facts presented by OP.

Fell free to start another thread about your own projections so you don’t derail this thread.

Still waiting for your evidence……

Based on your DS's response, I'd discuss the conversation heard with the school (if they are generally approachable), without naming names.

I have a part-of-the-football-pack child and a gay child (teenagers now). IME this type of talk is still, horribly, rife among all kids - particularly, though not exclusively, sporty boys.
Kids say all sorts of things their parents would be horrified about - not necessarily fair to blame the parents (though of course some have a lot to answer for). I think it's definitely one to talk to school; they will want to know and won't need to bring your child into it at all.
Incidentally, I think attitudes like your DH seems to be displaying, of not wanting to highlight homophobia, stem from a fear that if you do, it'll make people thing your son is gay. Calling out homophobia can feel hard to do for this reason (plenty of experience talking about this with my footbally kid), but that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. (Apologies if I'm way off the mark based on a single sentence on here!)

I do think you need to talk to the school about this. A similar thing happened at my DC's primary school, it was also the 'cool' football boys that used the word in that way as well, the school were really good.
They reiterated behaviour expectations and rules and how to be kind.

Yes and there’s some nice stereotyping going on from the OP herself about these “types of boys” or words to that effect.

They probably don't, but that's exactly why they should be educated. And you knowing a singing soldier is irrelevant.

Posted too soon- it's also entirely possible to be gay and in the army. Or gay and masculine.

That attitude is right up there with telling women not to wear provocative clothing and getting drunk to avoid being raped.

You ought to be wary from a safeguarding point of view about who’s running the school choir I suspect he’s aware of a few documentaries that’s why he made that comment. Don’t say anything to the other parent unless you’re looking for war

Again I'm looking for you to present facts rather that the fictional examples you are using to derail a concerned parents thread. Did you forget this is a forum for parents?

If you want to discuss hypothetical situations you need to start 👏your 👏own👏thread👏

Why do the men that post on here never take women seriously?

Being transgender is absolutely not acceptable to this kind of child. What on earth makes you think it is? The murder of Brianna Ghey is an extreme example of it not being the case but the lives of other trans children are made miserable at school daily.

Not necessarily, they could have picked it up from other kids. Peer pressure is a real thing.

Not in the 90s it didn't. I remember homophobic slurs being slung around like mad and if the target dared to complain about it they'd get in trouble for it. I suspect Section 28 had something to do with that but it's no excuse.

Perhaps you failed to notice that the '90s were thirty years ago?

Honestly, I blame Andrew Tate. He is always using the word "gay" as an adjective.

Hi,

it isn’t great no. But it will not achieve anything to talk to anyone. Why would you want to talk to the mum?? Or the school?

you being defensive will make your son a difficult life. There are assholes out there. Going and tell them they are while literally nothing happened will backlash on you…and your son.

I hope you feel better though. Teach your son to be strong whilst receiving (even if not aimed directly) bad comments. It won’t stop anytime soon.

Good luck 🌺

Perhaps you failed to notice that 30 years is not that long in the grand scheme of things and some things are clearly still an issue, hence this whole post??