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AIBU?

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Original poster

For thinking of speaking to this school mum

180 replies

Stickler1 · 07/09/2024 07:51

Yesterday at pick up me and DS heard some boys from his class talking about the school choir that has just been set up. I think there was around 5/6 of them. We heard them saying how they weren’t going and one of them said “I’m not joining the choir because I’m not gay” then came the laughter of the rest of the group.

When we got into the car DS started crying. He said he wanted to join the choir but didn’t now after hearing those comments.

The boys are year 4 so 8/9 years old. I think this kind of talk at this age (or any age actually) is unacceptable. I know who the mum is of the boy who made the gay comment. I was so annoyed yesterday that I was thinking of having a little chat with her on Monday. WIBU to do this?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 07/09/2024 08:36

That’s not at all surprising is it, though, OP, homophobia and stereotyping by DC is sadly not uncommon - DC can pick up shitty ideas at home, school, clubs, online and say stupid things. This DC doing so doesn’t mean they’re horrible in general.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 07/09/2024 08:36

Tell the head teacher who and what and your sons reaction. Don't approach the parent.

DeCaray · 07/09/2024 08:37

Tackle your sons lack of self confidence and. build up his resilience to hurty words.

If you speak to the idiot boys mum she will tell her son who will most likely pick on your son who has already shown you that he is vulnerable and susceptible to being bullied.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 07/09/2024 08:37

Stickler1 · 07/09/2024 08:28

I think I’ll talk to the school instead then. The thing is, and I think this has probably upset DS even more, is that he said he’s not in his “friendship group” and doesn’t hang around with him but they get along with each other.

Edited

Glad you're going to speak to the school.

The stupid thing is, the boy probably doesn't even mean it or have full understanding of what he's saying, he's just showing off in front of his friends. In all likelihood, he's heard an older person spouting it and thinks it's cool.

This kind of talk absolutely has to stop though. It's toxic and a prime example of everyday homophobia being passed down to children.

Jeezitneverends · 07/09/2024 08:39

DeCaray · 07/09/2024 08:37

Tackle your sons lack of self confidence and. build up his resilience to hurty words.

If you speak to the idiot boys mum she will tell her son who will most likely pick on your son who has already shown you that he is vulnerable and susceptible to being bullied.

“Hurty words” and right there we have the reason why kids still come away with site like this, using gay as an insult

viques · 07/09/2024 08:42

bubblesandlight · 07/09/2024 07:52

Speak to the school not the parent

Yes speak to the school. Unfortunately it’s hard to combat these stupid fallacies. One school I know did it by setting up a boys only choir, they taught great songs like rock anthems, sea shanties, work songs ( all very sexist I know but needs must!) and once it got going it was really popular and lots of boys then also joined the main choir.

Loopytiles · 07/09/2024 08:49

Not hurt the phrase ‘hurty words’ before! Cringey.

homophobic words should be named as such.

ratherbesurfing · 07/09/2024 08:52

Jeezitneverends · 07/09/2024 08:39

“Hurty words” and right there we have the reason why kids still come away with site like this, using gay as an insult

Show quote history

I totally agree

TheaBrandt · 07/09/2024 08:56

Remember the drama teacher at our secondary school rounded up the 4 coolest boys and persuaded them by flattery to be in the school play. It was Grease so he needed lots of boys. They agreed so the other less confident boys then felt able to audition too. Show was a roaring success.

MumonabikeE5 · 07/09/2024 08:58

Speak to the school.
this type of thinking is entirely inappropriate, and any decent school will do some work to address this.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 07/09/2024 08:58

Stickler1 · 07/09/2024 07:58

He said all these boys are in the school football team and are the “popular” (his words) ones. Why is it that all these type of boys are the ones who act like this?

Edited

Because the have a lot to lose if they don’t conform. They aren’t secure in their place in the group and need to keep up a performance.

Genuinely confident people (even kids) don’t need to knockdown others to big themselves up.

Supersoakers · 07/09/2024 08:59

I hope your ds still joins the choir and he is able to start to see the effects of social pressures. It’s good that he was able to see that what they were saying wasn’t on.

Lifeomars · 07/09/2024 09:02

Loopytiles · 07/09/2024 08:49

Not hurt the phrase ‘hurty words’ before! Cringey.

homophobic words should be named as such.

"hurty words" is a favourite expression in the comments section of my local online news site. It seems to be used by people who see empathy and kindness as some sort of weakness.

KLM2023 · 07/09/2024 09:04

It’s madness how being trans seems to be acceptable within schools these days yet being gay is not.

Supersoakers · 07/09/2024 09:08

KLM2023 · 07/09/2024 09:04

It’s madness how being trans seems to be acceptable within schools these days yet being gay is not.

Do you work in a school with gay and trans kids? I do and my son is gay with lots of trans friends and this is not my experience.

PadstowGirl · 07/09/2024 09:09

My son was in the school choir and is gay, along with pretty much every other boy in that choir.
He had a total blast at school and loved every minute. He is adamant that he did not encounter homophobia once.
I think your sons school needs to go some work around homophobia. Hate speech will not be tolerated. Also teach your son that it's ok to be gay.
I'm flabbergasted that in this day and age, these attitudes remain.

Straitjacketsandroses · 07/09/2024 09:10

Stickler1 · 07/09/2024 07:58

He said all these boys are in the school football team and are the “popular” (his words) ones. Why is it that all these type of boys are the ones who act like this?

Edited

Both my boys are popular and in the school football teams. Neither of them would do this. This attitude is more to do with parenting than personality!! We have always spoken about sexuality and they’ve known since they could talk that there are many versions of ‘normal’. Unfortunately not every kid gets this experience.

Speak to school. The narrative of ‘gay’ as an insult needs addressing and school will take it seriously.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 07/09/2024 09:11

The way gay is still used as a slur is infinitely irritating.

Ds had a similar situation in that he overheard some boys calling another boy gay in a bullying way. He told.me. I offered to tell the teacher but he decided he should. So he did. I got a call from the teacher to thank me for encouraging him to speak up ans the entire class got a big talking to.

How helpful it was, I couldn't say. Those boys started a low level campaign of bullying to ds after that but he didn't really care as they weren't his friends etc. But I am glad he stood up for what he already knew was right.

LadyKenya · 07/09/2024 09:14

KLM2023 · 07/09/2024 09:04

It’s madness how being trans seems to be acceptable within schools these days yet being gay is not.

That is just not true.

Babyworriesreal · 07/09/2024 09:17

Jeezitneverends · 07/09/2024 08:39

“Hurty words” and right there we have the reason why kids still come away with site like this, using gay as an insult

Show quote history

I agree. Appalling post.

LBFseBrom · 07/09/2024 09:19

Schoolboys always talk like that, op, whether we like it or not. It's banter, they don't mean it. Some of their banter is far worse than that,. they casually bandy words about in many situations, some of which are extremely politically incorrect!

I daresay teachers do address the subject when they hear the banter but they can't stop it.

The boys outgrow it eventually.

There may only have been one boy who said it at the time your son heard it but I can assure you others will have been saying similar so don't 'speak to the school'; the school teachers will already be aware.

luckylavender · 07/09/2024 09:24

DeCaray · 07/09/2024 08:37

Tackle your sons lack of self confidence and. build up his resilience to hurty words.

If you speak to the idiot boys mum she will tell her son who will most likely pick on your son who has already shown you that he is vulnerable and susceptible to being bullied.

I cannot abide the expression 'hurty words' - it's so demeaning

ClairDeLaLune · 07/09/2024 09:25

Stickler1 · 07/09/2024 07:58

He said all these boys are in the school football team and are the “popular” (his words) ones. Why is it that all these type of boys are the ones who act like this?

Edited

My son is popular and is on the football team, and abhors homophobic language. He says homophobes are thick idiots, or words to that effect.

Please don’t make sweeping generalisations.

ClairDeLaLune · 07/09/2024 09:26

LBFseBrom · 07/09/2024 09:19

Schoolboys always talk like that, op, whether we like it or not. It's banter, they don't mean it. Some of their banter is far worse than that,. they casually bandy words about in many situations, some of which are extremely politically incorrect!

I daresay teachers do address the subject when they hear the banter but they can't stop it.

The boys outgrow it eventually.

There may only have been one boy who said it at the time your son heard it but I can assure you others will have been saying similar so don't 'speak to the school'; the school teachers will already be aware.

Schoolboys do NOT always talk like that. Wtf is all the generalisation going on on this thread?

GeneralUser · 07/09/2024 09:29

LBFseBrom · 07/09/2024 09:19

Schoolboys always talk like that, op, whether we like it or not. It's banter, they don't mean it. Some of their banter is far worse than that,. they casually bandy words about in many situations, some of which are extremely politically incorrect!

I daresay teachers do address the subject when they hear the banter but they can't stop it.

The boys outgrow it eventually.

There may only have been one boy who said it at the time your son heard it but I can assure you others will have been saying similar so don't 'speak to the school'; the school teachers will already be aware.

Casual homophobia is not acceptable at any age and should be challenged. You would also probably accept misogynistic and racist comments as banter.