For thinking of speaking to this school mum

[Stickler1]

Yesterday at pick up me and DS heard some boys from his class talking about the school choir that has just been set up. I think there was around 5/6 of them. We heard them saying how they weren’t going and one of them said “I’m not joining the choir because I’m not gay” then came the laughter of the rest of the group.

When we got into the car DS started crying. He said he wanted to join the choir but didn’t now after hearing those comments.

The boys are year 4 so 8/9 years old. I think this kind of talk at this age (or any age actually) is unacceptable. I know who the mum is of the boy who made the gay comment. I was so annoyed yesterday that I was thinking of having a little chat with her on Monday. WIBU to do this?

This.

Never speak to the parent.

If my son was having this kind of ‘banter’ I’d want to know so I could talk to him. It’s not unpolitically correct it’s homophobic. I don’t agree that we should let boys be boys, social progress needs people to step up and refuse to allow this bollocks.

Speak to the school, name the child, provide as much detail as possible and let them know how it impacted your child. School choirs often provide money to the school if they’re good and can sell tickets off the back of them - so they’ll want to know if children are blocking other children from joining

I would talk to the school but not name the child, just year group so ideally to the head of year.

This kind of attitude does need stamping out and I think if you decide to complain definitely go via school not the mother.

Personally though I would focus this time on teaching your son that there are always people making stupid and nasty comments, sometimes because they are stupid and nasty people, other times because they have got the wrong idea about things or feel insecure themselves. We don’t have to let that affect us. He should join the choir and be confident in his choices regardless of some school yard nonsense.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we should tolerate or turn a blind eye, just that at the same time we need to learn to be responsible for our own reactions.

I too would speak to the school, definitely wouldn’t leave it as suggested by your DH
Doesn't need to have come from you so your DS doesn’t need to be brought into it. Just have a quiet word with teacher/head and ask it to be addressed. I’m sure they wouldn’t bring up names anyway, but maybe just add in that your DS doesn’t know you’re raising it with them.

Wow there’s some kind of irony there around your generalisation about football boys isn’t there.

op wait until their teenagers you are in for a treat. My teen hasn’t been brought up with that type of prejudice but teenage boys seem to go through a phase of making these comments. Why? Well this type of prejudice is everywhere so naturally as teenagers they test the limits. I’m telling you this because you will never ever be able to have a word with everyone’s mum over things you overhear. Focus on your child and making sure that he’s knows they’re talking nonsense.

She has raised her son to use ‘gay’ as a slur. I doubt taking to her will change anything.

Don't talk to the mum, definitely talk to the school. This sort of casual homophobia is completely rife amongst boys that age (and often older) and the school should be really assertive about it. Don't name names though - it's likely a lot of the kids are using 'gay' as a slur.
It's sad and just comes from old-school masculine stereotypes

For the same reason most gay footballers don’t come out until they’ve retired - because football is deeply misogynistic and homophobic. Sad that the beautiful game is blighted by this but, along with the racism in the terraces, toxic male culture continues to be rife while clubs do little to rein it in.

I disagree. They did stop doing it, in the same way that ableist slurs that were a mainstay of the playground in the 90s have pretty much disappeared. Homophobic slurs are resurfacing because children are hearing them online and they need to be stamped out again. We take this very seriously. It’s not true that they ‘don’t mean it’ and it’s certainly not an excuse to turn a blind eye.

Speak to the school. They can't address behaviour if they don't know.

My DS was called gay by some 'friends' (yr 5, age 10/11) last year because he ran oddly (muscle tone due to ASD). I spoke to his teacher. TBH I was more surprised & angry that gay was still on the roster of insults.

DS was quite confused as he knew he'd been called a name, but couldn't understand why it was an insult as we'd always taught him about everyone being who they are, no wrong or right, etc.

Teacher decided to bring it up in their weekly class behaviour talk. The kids never repeated it to DC, so I hope they just didn't realise the implication of their words & now do.

I am a primary teacher and debunking gender stereotypes, as well as homophobia/ protected characteristics are all a major part of most PSHE curricula now. Definitely speak to the school as, if this was my school, we’d definitely want to know and would be all over it.

It’s not a new thing, sadly. My brother (now 40) loved being in school choir in primary school but didn’t dare join in high school because of the “gay” comments. (High schools in the 90s didn’t seem interested in tackling these sorts of attitudes).

I don't see why you are taking this so on-board?

Kids say silly things all the time.
If your sin wants to go to choir, he should go.

Your too invested in one boys words.

Agree with this.

I hate 'gay' as an insult... honestly what time are these children living in? I challenge this whenever I encounter it at school.

It's hard in Year 4 but try to get your son to make his own path. My DS had loads of gay backchat at primary because he loves acting, the colour pink and he enjoyed reading Rainbow Magic.... because they were exciting. He may end up gay but so far has only had crushes on girls. He's Year 10 now and people at school kind of realise he's not ashamed of any of his interests and so leave him alone.

Really, if your son can face this in defiance of these boys, his self-confidence will probably scare them more than they let on, and hopefully in the end lead to respect.

There was always a lot of homophobia in all the schools that I have taught in. It is very depressing. A lot of it comes from the parents so I wouldn’t speak to the mum about it.

And people like you are why children grow up learning to say vile things. It's not just silly words 🙄

I agree that the school should be made aware of homophobic comments so that they can address this. Do not talk to the mum! If your son is interested in a choir there may be a youth choir near you where there is less self-consciousness among the kids as they don’t go to each other’s school. My son does singing in a local group and loves it (and plays football!).

To be fair the mum seems nice. We haven’t ever had a conversation but we’ve smiled if we’ve ever walked past each other. That’s the only reason why I considered speaking to her

Don't be so ridiculous
Nothing is my fault
You can't police everything everyone says all the time.
It's part of life learning skills on how to cope.

If someone can't cope with a boy say
ing the word gay look out cos there's worse to come.

A child need to follow their own path in life and feel confident. Not worry what one boy said.

What a funny thread. 😅

Exactly, she will think your nuts. It won't be long before the kid or someone else will day something else you don't like.

Prepare your child about life is mote important than running to the mum.

These boys just have different interests to your son. By labelling “these” boys and saying they are always the ones that behave like this you’re almost doing the same as the boys themselves have done labelling boys that sing in a choir gay.

My two boys were “these boys” they would have rather banged their heads against a wall than sing in a choir, loved sport and were popular.

The majority of boys would rather not sing in a choir so your son will always be in a minority doing so and as a result he may receive some stick. I’m not saying that’s ok but you need to prepare yourself and your son, speaking to the mum or even if the school will not change anything.

Yes, so funny… It was a homophobic slur so should be treated as such by the school. Saying oh well there is worse to come is how racist, homophobic and misogynistic language becomes normalised.

I've overheard that apparently 'talking to girls' is gay - well, obviously it is much less homosexual for a youth to avoid any contact with women and spend all his time only hanging out with his closest bros. :-p

Had a chat earlier with DS. Fortunately he still wants to join choir. He must have overheard me and DH discussing it as he told me not to tell school