For thinking of speaking to this school mum

[Stickler1]

Yesterday at pick up me and DS heard some boys from his class talking about the school choir that has just been set up. I think there was around 5/6 of them. We heard them saying how they weren’t going and one of them said “I’m not joining the choir because I’m not gay” then came the laughter of the rest of the group.

When we got into the car DS started crying. He said he wanted to join the choir but didn’t now after hearing those comments.

The boys are year 4 so 8/9 years old. I think this kind of talk at this age (or any age actually) is unacceptable. I know who the mum is of the boy who made the gay comment. I was so annoyed yesterday that I was thinking of having a little chat with her on Monday. WIBU to do this?

This.

Absolutely right to speak up. But this is a common issue (unfortunately) and the school can help educate all children that it's unacceptable and won't be tolerated. Yes, even in junior school. Especially in junior school in fact.

@Stickler1

iIt's a good enough time to learn your friends don't have to agree with you about everything & sometimes their opinions are not very nice & you feel disappointed in them. It's up to you to decide if you can get past it or not.

nothing to stop you telling the school.

However, DS needs to learn that a few boys that rate themselves do not make something true.

& what's wrong with being gay anyway?

though kids that age generally just use it as an insult rather than thinking there's actually anything wrong about being gay. In days gone past it would be 'girl' or big girls blouse.

What would the teacher do if they knew? I think it’s ok to pull people up on this sort of behaviour and attitude. Maybe do both-let he teacher know and ask her what she meant by her comment.
What a sad world we live in that people think it’s ok to say these sorts of things.

Speak to the teacher, no child should be restricted in their activities because of peer pressure

You just say that choir is for straight, gay, bi or anyone and it isn’t linked to sexuality.
Then you speak to the school about ‘gay’ being used as a homophobic slur.

What did you actually say to your child?

Unfortunately not, from the conversations I hear on the street from groups of boys hanging out nothing has changed in that respect from 30 years ago. I’m sure a lot of it is just mob mentality now though rather than true homophobia, still homophobic language though obviously. Hopefully it dies down as they reach their older teen years.

been there, got the t-shirt. Don’t have a word with the other mum - even if you’re friendly with her. In fact, especially if you’re friendly with her.

absolutely speak up - to the school.

Definitely speak to the school. We had similar when my son (at the time in year 1) was made fun of for bringing a pink water bottle to school🤦🏻‍♀️ He'd lost all his so was using mine for the day, but he was so upset and embarrassed about it after. I spoke to his teacher who sat all the kids down and spoke to them about gender stereotypes etc and showed them a video of a male ballet dancer, before revealing that the male ballet dancer was, in fact, Tom Holland aka Spiderman.

My son has been adamant pink is his favourite colour ever since 😅

Point is, schools are well-equipped to deal with this kind of stuff, and I'd hope they'd be eager to step in and help.

@Miyagi99 15-16 yo I know (large number, range of schools and backgrounds), “gay”
is still a casual slur.

Feels exactly like it did when I was 1993 the same age, only difference is that teenagers are now openly gay at school (so that is huge progress I guess)

Because some of these little boys will turn out to be gay and have internalised homophobia. Who knows? I always found the same at school - it’s always the loudest and most popular kids that were downright horrible.

Banter, hurty words and political correctness have all been used already on this thread to describe homophobic hate speech.
It needs to stop. Let's just call it out for what it is.

What do you think you'll achieve by telling the teachers?

Children have used the word "gay" since I was in school, it's not going to stop now.

The best thing to do is talk to your child about the situation and help build his confidence so he's not so easily put off taking part in things he loves.

Yes this. I voted YABU because you should definitely speak to the school - speaking to the mum could get very confrontational (if she gets defensive etc). You are not unreasonable to challenge this behaviour from the boys though, it’s disgusting and outdated.

yes I was going to say the same. While the boy shouldn't have said it, it sounds to me like its something said by an unconfident child trying to keep his facade up

Agreed, I did the above about an issue and was pretty shocked at how she flared up and the messages I received. Parents do not like criticism of their little darlings🙄

YABNU to want this dealt with, but do you really know the mum? It could all backfire. Best thing may be to identify amazing male singers who are not gay - just on Bieber, Ed Sheeran, Michael Bublé etc...
Also raise with the school.
Good luck x

This used to really upset me too at around this age. I agree talk to school, and educate your own child. No point bringing drama with the other parent. He wil have heard it from somebody, who will have heard it from somebody…all you can do is try to educate your own child to be better. I am so sorry to say, but yes, this chat is rife and high school is a total free for all regarding any sort of language like this. I find it very odd that youngsters are deep down way more accepting of being gay, or trans, yet will still use homophobic slurs.

My son had a friend at primary school who was (and is) a talented ballet dancer. None of his school friends (including my son) knew because he was afraid of the bullying that he might get.

For those PPs saying "that's the way it's always been and always will be"; do we really have to just accept shit? Can we not work to change things? Talk to our children to make them more able to stand up against crap? Already attitudes are different from when I was young, so we can change things

It's not about whether being gay is OK or not. It's about a group of kids ganging up and punching down and it's not acceptable

Just as the word went from meaning "happy" to meaning homosexual, now it generally just means pathetic/wimpy/uncool.

My extremely annoyingly woke late teens/early 20s and their friends have used it and still do when teasing each other. This includes their non-binary and trans friends. Yes, they have been told by me for years how it is not to be used as a slur, but still it persists.

You can only teach your son that he must learn to decide his own choices, not have other's opinions form them.

Talk to the school.

DS9 kept being called gay by another boy and the same boy kept referring to stuff with 'that's gay'. DS didn't really get it and was a bit upset as his aunties are gay. I told the teacher due to the fact gay was being used negatively.

Eurgh I hate stuff like this. Deffo speak to the school and not the mum, but also encourage your son to join the choir if he wants to give it a go. And make a point of the fact that
a) there‘s nothing wrong with being gay
b) it’s totally illogical to link a hobby to a sexuality - men‘s choirs are a huge thing in certain parts of the country, does that mean they’re all gay?🙄

Who knows, maybe we’ll all be buying your son‘s chart-topping album when it comes out in 15 years time 😂

DH thinks I should leave it for now as if it comes out that I have spoken to the teacher he is worried it will backfire onto DS. He thinks that as it wasn’t directly aimed at DS and the boy may not even know DS wanted to join the choir, then it may cause necessary problems.

I disagree though and I think sooner this is nipped in the bud the better. Hopefully the boy gets spoken to by the teacher/school and if he does manage to find out where it has come from he will apologise

Speak to the school. I was shocked when I heard yr3's using gay as an insult, it's unbelievable things haven't moved on.

The school shouldn't single the boy out but explain to the class as a whole about homophobia.

They did in my school, and I went to school in the 90s.

I hope you have reassured your DS that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay in the first instance so using it as an insult is ludicrous. Second to that, I have no idea how singing is ‘gay’… But whatever.

As others said, speak to school rather than parents.