For thinking of speaking to this school mum

[Stickler1]

Yesterday at pick up me and DS heard some boys from his class talking about the school choir that has just been set up. I think there was around 5/6 of them. We heard them saying how they weren’t going and one of them said “I’m not joining the choir because I’m not gay” then came the laughter of the rest of the group.

When we got into the car DS started crying. He said he wanted to join the choir but didn’t now after hearing those comments.

The boys are year 4 so 8/9 years old. I think this kind of talk at this age (or any age actually) is unacceptable. I know who the mum is of the boy who made the gay comment. I was so annoyed yesterday that I was thinking of having a little chat with her on Monday. WIBU to do this?

OP I have older boys- I’m afraid this type of thing is just the start of all the stupid banter that boys seem to do. ‘Your mum’ was another one that wouldn’t die.
Some kids have heard things online or from other kids and are just showing off thinking they are cool by saying that.
You need to speak to the school as it was a school choir. They need to have a talk with them all. But I’m afraid this won’t be the last you will hear of this comment as he grows up. My son has he told all sorts of things are ‘gay’ across the years.
it’s so annoying.
Keep reminding him that he needs to be confident in his own choices and others are only showing off to look cool. It’s really hard dealing with other kids and seeing your own hurt, been there so many times so I sympathise

Your DH is wrong. The school won't tell the boys exactly who reported it. All they will say is that parents heard the comments at pick up and that kind of talk is not acceptable. If noone challenges this sort of behaviour, nothing will change.

I would speak to the school. My ds is at a single sex too, and football is huge there. BUT our school is brilliant at promoting everything. In fact, there's a waiting list for the choir. A comment like this would be taken very seriously and the boys would be addressed. People who are dismissing it as banter are part of the problem. I have an 8yo too, can't imagine any of his friends using such language or even thinking along these lines.

WhiteLilymum1: ‘Your mum’ was another one that wouldn’t die."

Despite being, "Yer mum's dead", in full. I remember that one well.

They outgrow it eventually.

The school will know how to deal with this. It happens a lot with this age group. I don't think the boy who made the comment owes your ds an apology though.

Most likely it’s learned behaviour from their parents

Ignore DH, speak to the school.
You don’t have to even reference your own DS, just say that you’d like them to know that you overheard X child referring to something linked to the school as being gay in a derogatory way and they might want to pick up on this with him, or with the wider school, in order to nip it in the bud.

For heaven’s sake how pathetic! Those boys don’t know what they’re talking about. Loada of boys and men sing and aren’t gay! Loads are in choirs and also play football, rugby, run, gym!
I knew a guy who was in a choir and was also in the army! Couldn’t get more masculine if you tried!

Football boys and Netball girls.
I am sure many of them are individually lovely but these are the 2 groups that according to my DC were the unpleasant cliques at their school.

I work in a primary school.

My advice is do nothing.

Please don't speak to the other mum, it never ends well, and you run the risk in future to be on the receiving end of other parents' comments about your child.

Gay is an extremely common 'insult' and school will already be well aware and trying to stamp it out. They will be recording incidents.

Honestly, even the nicest kids say silly things all the time.

How big is this school to have ‘lots’ of trans identifying pupils?

Your DH is wrong. Speak to the school. This is precisely the kind of thing that needs nipping in the bud while they're still young.
You don't have to say it upset DS, just say you didn't find it acceptable and want them to be aware of it.

Definitely speak to the school quietly but not the mum.
Your son should totally join the choir!

I have been teaching for twenty years and casual homophobic abuse in schools is currently some of the worst I've ever seen. I'm hearing phrases that I thought we had left behind in the 90s. Absolutely speak to the school. They will take this seriously.

Baffling idea that singing is gay. Why do all these straight singers end up with foxy models then? Is rugby also gay? Solution is clearly to move to Wales where both singing and rugby are normal manly pursuits.

They won't stop doing it even though parents and teachers tear their hair out.

They also have different ethnicities, the disabled and those with learning difficulties as targets.

It's horrible but, honestly, they don't mean it.

Talk to the school. Hopefully they'll have an assembly on 1) homophobia and 2) how sexuality and hobbies/interests are not linked. Just wait until these 8 year olds find out about gay rugby teams, lesbian artistic swimming, and the Gay Games...

Honestly you need to work on this with your own child. He needs to toughen up and learn not to cry over people's comments.

The world is full of people with different opinions, the quicker children realise this and stop getting upset over it the better it is for them.

Help your child build up resilience and gain the confidence to venture into doing activities on his own even if people around him make comments he isnt happy with.

Speak to the school if you're that bothered but really it's not helpful to children in the long run to be complaining about someones comments. Obviously bullying is a different matter and needs to be dealt with but that's not what's happening here.

I don't say this to undermine yours and your child's feelings. He will hear at lot worse at secondary school. If he hasn't built up resilience by the time he gets there and cries or gets upset over things it will be worse.

Please please please speak to the school. This is something we would want to know and would address as a year group/school thing. It's the beginning of homophobic bullying potentially and needs to be nipped now.

You need to speak to the school - “gay” should never be used as an insult or derogatory term, and the school will want to know if this is happening.

Agree with previous comments- talking to the mum will not help, hopefully the school will be able to address the issues.

I read an article about Liam Gallagher - he was in his school choir.

I totally agree, the boys were showing off to each other. This is totally normal and as you say it will be worse in seniors. The boys weren't targeting your son that would be another matter entirely.

This

And great comments by @Whippetlovely and @Anywherebuthere

My 6 year old has been using ‘gay’ negatively which he has learnt at school. I asked him ‘do you know what gay means?’ He said no but it’s bad isn’t it ? So I had to explain to him. I think there are children in his class using it as a negative term when they don’t even know what it means ??? He’s stopped now but I was shocked it’s still being used by children like this I thought that would have died out i remember that sort of thing when I was at school in the 90s