To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

[Calmondeck]

Im wavering between thinking this is none of my business… but can’t shake deep misgivings about a friend’s relationship. Does this story give you red flags too?

Friend and I had our first children at the same time so our now 3 yr olds are close buddies. She went through rounds of IVF w donor sperm to have her much wanted only child.

When her child was 18 months old she was swept off her feet by a twice divorced man with kids from both marriages. He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child. However, he’s very insistent he has ‘adult time’ with my friend, including whisking her away for a 12 night overseas trip, which happened to coincide with the child’s first ever week of pre-school.

The child is currently in the care of a nanny, who is navigating the first weeks of pre-school alone. The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

The child has started asking me for hugs and counting down sleeps until her mum is back. Meanwhile I’m getting holiday pics raving about joys of child free life.

My worry is - the man is moving in after this trip, the nanny is moving out. Would it be friendship ending to voice my misgivings to my friend?

AiBU - solo parents deserve their own space and holidays, the child will be fine, family dynamics change, MYOB?

It’s concerning but as she’s got a nanny SS will not see this as something they have to intervene with.

I’m sure they were good at the day to day but they were unprofessional for breaking the confidentiality clause in their contracts. There definitely would have been one as standard if they went through an agency or website.

I find it hard to believe that they didn’t have a support system back home or in the UK or that they couldn’t speak to their agency. Or even potentially the police, in the case of the young woman who found the album of nanny predecessors. Spilling all to a playground mum or nosey neighbour is the worst thing to do, it’s not in the children’s best interests.

Oh come on, loads of nannies do this and it’s pretty normal. I doubt she’s signed some sort of confidentiality clause. They definitely all vent to each other about their families - I’ve heard them in the park. She’s clearly at the end of her tether with this entitled neglectful idiot palming off all parental duties on her and moving a man into her child’s home who doesn’t even like the kid. It will be awful for the kid if the nanny quits but I don’t blame her if she does.

@Nobodywouldknow but that’s the reason why I said to @Needmoresleep that I’m surprised the nannies she was talking about (NOT the one the OP is) didn’t have a support system. Venting to other nannies is fairly normal and understandable, but venting to a parent of another child is not normal and viewed as inappropriate.

A confidentiality clause is bog standard in a nanny contract. Especially when the clients are wealthy.

@Calmondeck you don’t mention that the nanny will be replaced, just that she’s leaving. In which case, especially since that child has started pre-school, the mother may be planing on being hands on. Ask her!

Just read the relationships board. It is inevitable that some young live-in nannies will find themselves in dysfunctional families.

You seem to assume that there is an agency, or a contract. Not always so. I was certainly aware of nannies whose NI or NEST was not paid (in this case through someone who was going to nanny share but pulled out as she did not want to either break the law or exploit the nanny.) Plenty are hired via ads on the internet.

Oddly I got on and continued to get on with both mums. Both are back in their home countries, but I am still a facebook friend of the one with the strange husband, and though I personally think she should of ditched him years ago, it was not for me to say. . She did confide in me a little about how tough things were and I listened, and tried some constructive suggestions, but all I got was "all my friends say that". (And me thinking...well bloody listen.) I did not mention the nanny's confidence nor the mums confidence to the other. I probably knew the nanny better as I saw a lot more of her, but got to know the mum long after that nanny had gone when there were some serious health problems in the family and the mum needed support/local knowledge.

In short, I am prepared to listen to someone who needs listening to, whether they are a mum or a nanny, especially if they are a long way from home and in a difficult position. Call be nosey if you want, but I did not ask for the confidences but did understand why in the circumstances someone might want to make them.

I suspect it is not that uncommon. One acquittance was so enraged by the treatment of a friend of her nanny (left for days with two young children and with the mum saying she would not pay overtime for when the nanny was asleep) that she had the exploited nanny come and live with her until she found another job.

Basically when it comes to child protection issues, "nosey neighbours" can be a good thing.

I think your friend is a terrible person, an even worse mum and not someone I would choose to have in my life. Her behaviour is disgraceful. It’s like she’s had a child so that she has someone to love her, and now a man has come along, she’s decided that it’s less work and far more fun to have him instead. She’s got no more use for her child. Eventually, this man will clear off and she’ll suddenly want to be thought of as mother of the year, until the next man comes along, and the child gets dropped again.

But… there is a little child here who is going to be suffering. In your shoes, I think I would be encouraging her to get a new nanny and would be having the child over to mine as much as I could. This poor little sod is going to grow up knowing her mum has used her as a fall back. Someone to love her when there’s nobody better around. I’d want to give her as much stability as I possibly could. But that’s not the easy option by any means.

Of course neighbours intervening in child protection cases is important and not them being nosey @Needmoresleep But…

…that’s not what you were talking about as something that happened in your anecdotes. By your own admission, you advised a nanny to stay on longer in a house where the father was potentially a creep because of the nanny’s own “ambitions”.

These days, most nanny contracts will have confidentiality clauses, even those where the relationship was formed over the internet. But for the time period you’re talking about, which must have been at least 20 years ago, perhaps it wasn’t, yes.

"hi friend, lovely pictures. I'm sorry to bring you back to reality whilst you're away but DD has been asking about you and wanting hugs more than usual. I know it's lovely to be on holiday and have such a sweet boyfriend to whisk you away but I'm a bit concerned about DD as she clearly really misses you, 12 days is a very long time away from her mum especially starting preschool, I think she'll need a lot of reassurance when you're back! Hope boyfriend realises DD is going to take centre stage for a while!"

Ultimately, it's going to be very awkward but you need to say something. If no one does, she may think it's 'normal' that her boyfriend wants nothing to do with her child. She may become desensitised to her child over time and start to put his needs before hers. I think you need to say something but I'd wait until it's face to face.

Poor DD. My cousin puts men first, so much so that her kids are in care and looking to be adopted soon.

I'd be saying glad your enjoying it your kids really upset I'm doing my best to console him.
What an arse of a friend

Your friend is not fit to be a mother and I'd be telling her exactly what I thought of her parenting.
That poor child.

Some just aren't cut out to be mothers.

A friend of mine has a mother who has had a string of men. My friend has four half siblings, all to different dads. The worst part was she could hear her mother having sex during the day time. My friend would whack the wall but the mother didn't care. She phoned me during one such occasion and I didn't offer a good solution other than just go for a walk.

There are lots of people who aren't cut out to be parents. We don't like to shame mums in society especially, so we often turn a blind eye or try to excuse it away. But you're right, there's a lot of selfish, uncaring, immature mothers who put their need for a man above their children's needs. So people should NEVER be parents.

Yes, the dc live with their dad and nan. The dad will often slag his ex off on Facebook about how she has abandoned them. Loads of drama and he will occasionally turn up at her house spoiling for a fight with then new man. It's a really sad situation.

I think you are absolutely right to be concerned. If the Nanny leaves, this poor kid won’t even have the stability of a familiar Nanny. From you second post, it seems the Nanny is the primary care giver even when your friend is at home. The attachment needs of this child are bound to be impacted by the change.

Given that you can see the potential for emotional damage here, I’m guessing whether you say anything or not, this is bound to have a negative effect on how you feel about this friend going forward.

I'm astounded that this woman went through IVF etc in order to become a parent and then basically doesn't spend that much actual time with the child. It's heartbreaking.

Sole parent to a 15 year old and I'm prob other end of scale as have only had 3 nights away in all those years. I don't want to be away etc

Has the nanny been given guardianship of the child for these 12 days while the mum is away? If not what would happen if the child became seriously injured or ill and parental consent was needed. For a hospital this would be a massive safeguarding concern.

The nanny is saying that she is going to leave because she doesn’t like the child and the child is asking for hugs and comfort from you. This sounds very much like that poor child is not having its emotional needs met. I’m not blaming the nanny as she has also been put in this awful position. But what if it was a nanny without morals and she decided to just leave while mum was still away and abandon the child. This may sound dramatic but mum left her child with an employee with no other support provided.

Sounds like mum doesn’t give a shit about her child and probably never did if so easily left her child in this situation. Social services definitely need to be involved. The child is at risk of significant harm of emotional neglect if nothing else

Crikey, this is shocking

Leaving a 3 y/o with paid help?

No bloody way

So single mum "has" her only child for 3 nights a week and a few hours on sundays. AIBU to wonder why she went through the IVF?

School and nursery won't be able to do anything about this though. As long as the child is physically cared for and not abused, that's as good as they could expect if they went into care . Plus it's pretty normal for certain sectors of society to outsource the care of young children to paid staff.

The nanny didn't say she doesn't like the child, she is just overworked.

How was friend's own upbringing? Maybe she thinks it's normal

I would speak to friend and it she falls out with you it's up to her.

Report to who ? Social Services won’t be interested because the mother clearly has enough money to meet the childs’ needs - just not herself.

Report to school, they will know unlike OP and you what to do with this information.
A nanny (who may live at any time and is overworked) does not equal meeting emotional needs. Please read my post carefully again if you need more examples.