To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

[Calmondeck]

Im wavering between thinking this is none of my business… but can’t shake deep misgivings about a friend’s relationship. Does this story give you red flags too?

Friend and I had our first children at the same time so our now 3 yr olds are close buddies. She went through rounds of IVF w donor sperm to have her much wanted only child.

When her child was 18 months old she was swept off her feet by a twice divorced man with kids from both marriages. He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child. However, he’s very insistent he has ‘adult time’ with my friend, including whisking her away for a 12 night overseas trip, which happened to coincide with the child’s first ever week of pre-school.

The child is currently in the care of a nanny, who is navigating the first weeks of pre-school alone. The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

The child has started asking me for hugs and counting down sleeps until her mum is back. Meanwhile I’m getting holiday pics raving about joys of child free life.

My worry is - the man is moving in after this trip, the nanny is moving out. Would it be friendship ending to voice my misgivings to my friend?

AiBU - solo parents deserve their own space and holidays, the child will be fine, family dynamics change, MYOB?

HUGE red flag. Can't see this ending well.

What a callous woman. I'd tell her what a pathetic excuse of a mother she is.

I couldn't mind my business while she's neglecting her child for child free nights for 2 weeks while her child is pining for her.

I disagree. It is the fault of the man to be arrogant and self-indulgent to expect a mother of a very young child to prioritise him over her young child knowing that they exist and live in that house. He has children of his own, what kind of parent expects this from another person?

It is more so the fault of the woman who is prioritising herself to emotionally neglect her child’s needs and wellbeing by moving a man in to their home that has no time for them and will expect her attention to be prioritised over theirs also.

Disgraceful human beings the pair of them.

Please talk to your friend. That poor little girl.

Looking after a child is exhausting and it seems nanny is doing more than a few hours here and there, but most of it and 24 hours now then the mum is on holidays and there are no other adults to help. I thought that was pretty clear in the op.

It absolutely is a form of neglect in these circumstances. It may not meet a threshold for a social worker, but would definitely be written up as a concern.

This^ Sounds as though there was no father on the scene to begin with? She wanted a baby like some people want a puppy, then it grows up and is less fun. Doubt that saying anything will help, but perhaps you can try, at least let her know that Nanny is thinking of moving on unless there's a change, she may be the only stable adult in the poor child's life!

Honestly, the mums new boyfriend has probably done a U turn, promised that when he moves in, everything will change and he is prepared to be a father figure to her child. It sounds like it’s pretty soon for him to be moving in, especially with a child involved, how long have they been together?

sorry to say, but imo a man who is twice divorced with children from each marriage just sounds irresponsible. once, maybe not, but twice?!

I would see how child behaves in the next few weeks. Maybe her partner WILL step up to the plate, you never know. I think not, but it is worth waiting to see. Her child sounds the open type emotionally who would maybe say if they were unhappy.

perhaps the bf is a user and wants somewhere to stay, perhaps he genuinely has changed his mind and wants to be part of both her and her child’s life.

essentially it’s none of your business but it’s hard to let go when you see a child unhappy missing their mum and have genuine worry. Also with what the nanny said (I would keep this private too incase they decide to offer to keep her on on a PT basis and she changes her mind and decides to stay- sounds like they might if it goes wrong with her bf. If friend realises nanny has been “disloyal” she may not employ her again and it sounds like the child likes the nanny)

but yeah, I would keep quiet for now. If the boyfriend is a loser she will see for herself when they’re all living together and out of the honeymoon period!

I agree with this although I would add that she's probably putting the dick and the money that comes with the dick before her daughter ☹️

Being exhausted doesn't mean the child isn't being cared for though (it just means the nanny is being taken advantage of). "All" the nanny is doing is what any single parent, or woman left parenting alone while on a business trip would have to do. It IS exhausting and involves being on 24/7. Not fair on the nanny, because she isn't the mother and never signed up for this, but doesn't mean the child is being neglected. It doesn't bode well for the future, when the nanny leaves though.

If the nanny was in sole care of the child, and was super relaxed, having time of for herself, that would be a sign the child was being neglected.

Not being there the first week of preschool is horrible!

I don’t know what she’s done wrong? She’s a wealthy woman who’s using professional childcare to holiday with her partner. Yes it’s a bit weird she chose to do this on child’s first week in preschool but she hasn’t neglected them (the conversation you had with the nanny was weird - she’s being paid to spend all day / night with the child) and social services will dismiss you for spouting such rubbish.

What happens after the nanny leaves needs to be considered - but unless she has form for being abusive or leaving the child unaccompanied and without childcare (which doesn’t seem the case) then you’re basically disapproving of her lifestyle choices not truly concerned with her child

I don’t know a single high earning parent who was ever at their child’s first week of preschool. It’s normal in certain circles for the nanny to do it

That's awful!
Are the poor children looked after by their Dad?
So she only cares for the latest child and its father?

It's far too easy for people to have children that they just don't deserve.

Absolutely agree with this, was going to post in similar fashion.

I know a Nanny who worked for a 'family' like this -
Can't be too outing, but the little girl as a teenager actually committed suicide.

Wealth can mean your child can basically be put out on ''full livery'' and only bothered with occasionally.

Edit... Nanny and Boarding school and Nanny on holidays as well.

I think you're being harsh by blaming him, it's not his child, I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who chose me over there child, I'd have zero respect for them.
Your friend is the one who needs to get her priorities straight, it will probably make know difference but for the little boys sake I think you should speak to her.

Your friend is the red flag. An utter disgrace to go with it.

I don’t agree none of this is on the man though - what does a twice divorced man with kids see in a woman with a young child?

He wants nothing to do with the child yet is now moving in. Why?

It’s not hard how to work out why he’s twice divorced but even the biggest dead beat will know the reality of living in a house with a 3 year old. You don’t get to live an undisturbed life, no matter how hands off you are.

He’s targeted her for a reason. I would guess he’s also picked the holiday date specifically to test whether her loyalty is to him or the child. If she’s willing to miss this milestone in her child’s life, what else will she be willing to do to please him?

At the very best this is setting the child up to be a nuisance in her own home. At worst there is a lifetime of emotional and potentially physical abuse ahead that mummy won’t save her from.

Thank god for that nanny but both of you together need to have a plan to safeguard that child because her only parent is a waste of space and you are the only adults who care about her.

Imagine leaving your kid for 12 nights....poor kid! I honestly can't imagine in any circumstances were I would leave my three year old for that amount of time. Geeezzz he goes to nursery and is stuck to my bum for the rest of the day when he comes back. I can't imagine how that poor kid is feeling. But yeh she will probably fall out with you. But I would be fine with that.....

I think you definitely owe the poor child a straight talk with mum about this. It may end your friendship, I’m sorry, but if possible please keep a weather-eye on the child. I think she’s behaving dreadfully to go away for so long during the first days of preschool! A few nights, even a week, might be possible sometime but not then!

I knew someone who met a man who wined and dined her and wanted to go travelling with her. He suggested she put her 8 year old son in boarding school. She dumped him.

Poor little thing. If he moves in I can't see things going well.

I agree, it's very clear that he wants to get rid of this poor little child. I suppose it's fortunate that there is enough money to pay for child care.
Were that not the case his only option would be to make sure that the child was mistreated so social services took it away.
I'd like to hope that this woman has an internal 'mama bear' that can be woken up, but if she's willing to abandon a three-year-old I don't think she has any maternal instinct ☹️

I think I would have to say something. It would probably mean the end of the friendship, but i don’t think I’d wish to remain friends with such an awful person. That poor child.

My thoughts are not only would I not be concerned about ending the friendship with this woman if I confronted her, I'd be taking steps to ensure the friendship ended. I could never condone treating a child like this and hopefully by distancing myself & gradually ending the friendship it would help her to understand there are people who have no desire to be associated with this behaviour.

Doubt it.

Someone with a maternal instinct wouldn't leave a 3 yr old for 12 nights.

Especially not when they are starting nursery.

Poor little kid.

Child won't even know who their father IS, as it's a random sperm donor.