To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

[Calmondeck]

Im wavering between thinking this is none of my business… but can’t shake deep misgivings about a friend’s relationship. Does this story give you red flags too?

Friend and I had our first children at the same time so our now 3 yr olds are close buddies. She went through rounds of IVF w donor sperm to have her much wanted only child.

When her child was 18 months old she was swept off her feet by a twice divorced man with kids from both marriages. He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child. However, he’s very insistent he has ‘adult time’ with my friend, including whisking her away for a 12 night overseas trip, which happened to coincide with the child’s first ever week of pre-school.

The child is currently in the care of a nanny, who is navigating the first weeks of pre-school alone. The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

The child has started asking me for hugs and counting down sleeps until her mum is back. Meanwhile I’m getting holiday pics raving about joys of child free life.

My worry is - the man is moving in after this trip, the nanny is moving out. Would it be friendship ending to voice my misgivings to my friend?

AiBU - solo parents deserve their own space and holidays, the child will be fine, family dynamics change, MYOB?

what sort of mother moves a man in who wants nothing to do with her child? a child that she wanted so badly she had IVF.

She is putting new man before her child and that is disgusting. That poor child deserves better

Agreed. My 4 year old would be emotionally distressed if I up and left for 12 nights due to feeling abandoned. They don't understand at that age.

Not worried in the sense of her well being, but worried that she has "checked out" of her responsibilities for the child.

Already the friend has chosen the bf over her child re the holiday but once he moves in there will be a continual competition between this man’s desires and the needs of the child. The friend will feel like piggy in the middle and if she has any regard for her child, feel torn. This will lead to discord between the adults which will be abusive to the child. If friend puts child first for any reason he is more than likely to do his own thing and she will feel neglected and resentful. At the end of the day they will both feel resentment towards this poor child.
OP stick around and keep a watching brief so you’ll know if the child needs intervention. Meanwhile you can, if you feel the need,mention how the child missed her and how she is behaving now she’s back, just to keep the conversation rolling on the subject.
BTW did your friend go to boarding school?

Thank you for your replies. I’m torn whether to say anything immediately or to hold off for a few months to see how everything pans out. Sorry for the provocative heading - I 100% agree the biggest concern is the mum, it’s just the child is referring to the move and the man as “moving in with my new dad”.

I’m not concerned for the immediate welfare of the child - as others have guessed, the mum is well-off so the child lacks for nothing (materially) and the nanny is doing an outstanding job as default parent. But the longer term ramifications have me worried.

This isn’t the first trip, just the longest. And for the person questioning why the nanny is exhausted - because she’s essentially a single mother. She does all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare (remember the child has just started preschool this week so she’s coming off a year of care from the moment the child wakes up to bedtime). Mum has the child for dinner 3 nights a week, all day Sunday, and sometimes Saturday afternoon (but socialises Saturday evening).

Yes it's quite likely he'll want the child to go to boarding school at some point.

I probably shouldn't ask this, but didn't your friend have a partner when she underwent IVF?

Or was she on her own then?

OP made it clear that the friend underwent IVF with donated sperm.

I would talk to the mom for sure. She had no dad, an absent mom, and her main parental figure is going to quit. That the nanny mentioned it to sounds like she could use some back up.

At least tell her that her daughter has been counting the days until she gets back and how damaging feeling unwanted is. I don't know why she's talking about the jits of being child free when she has so much time away anyway.

the child is referring to the move and the man as “moving in with my new dad”
Presumably this is how the mother has explained it to the child. Which means that we have a man who's made it very clear he does not want to be a father and doesn't want anything to do with the child and she is referring to this man as 'your new dad'.

Does the child know why she hasn't got her own dad? Talk of a new dad could be confusing to her.

I think I'd have to ask something along the lines of 'didn't he realise DC was starting pre school on x date when he booked the holiday' and see what the reaction was.

Op I'm really sorry but you are describing neglect. You can be such abd neglect your child. Emotional neglect is a thing. I used to work in a very affluent area and neglect by wealthy patents was happening. Two of my firmer students are now in prison because of doing drugs, one is a son of a lawyer abd the other if an artist. Won't even count the amount of kids screwed up mentally by absent parents. Neither of those two boys lacked anything materially. A nanny should not be a single parent to a 4yo. Please please please 🙏 report this.

There's a difference between not attending the school with the child to settle them in and not being present in the house at all during that period. Especially as she's the sole parent so the child has only the nanny there for comfort.

Starting school is a big deal for a child and anyone on here that thinks that the mothers behaviour is reasonable won't be winning any parent of the year awards, that's for sure!

I doubt her partner would propose to have such a long trip away if he didn’t believe she’d be onboard. I can’t even imagine my Husband suggesting such a long time away from our kids as he knows it would be a hard NO! Poor kid, first day of preschool without her Mum there to kiss goodbye/hello and ask about her day. OP, has your friend expressed she feels bad about this? I’d definitely want to keep an eye on the child but I don’t think I could hold my tongue entirely.

I voted YANBU but frankly having read all your posts I reckon it is pointless . Makes you wonder why this woman bothered to have a child when she spends so little time actually looking after her . I feel really sorry for the child because she is never going to get the parental attention that she deserves . I would still speak to the mother because I’d be happy to fall out with her as this is not someone I could be friends with .

So essentially what we have is a rich woman who paid to become a single mother, is now paying someone to raise her child so she can swan off on lengthy holidays with a man who has made it clear he doesn't want much to do with her child, and the only time she spends with her child is for 3 dinners a week, a Sunday and SOME Saturday afternoons.... yeah I'd be gone way past biting my tongue at this stage! Hope your friend is saving for the counselling sessions her child will need in the future!

OP has made it clear the little's girl lacks nothing materially, but it sounds as if she will grow up emotionally numb, which is heartbreaking when you think of all the families with kids similar ages, who are just about managing financially, and those kids are loved and cherished no matter what. The poor kid in this case is being treated like an inconvenience.

This was my point exactly. The mere idea of a friendship with this type of woman makes my blood boil. I couldn't look the child in the face when they are older as I'd feel like a supporter of this type of lifestyle. I hope this woman is enjoying her cocktails in the sun while her child is lying in bed at night crying for mummy. Regardless of excellent care this is what every child does when the reality hits them that mummy isn't around to comfort them, especially during the night if they waken up disorientated or after a bad dream. The list goes on.

God I've just realised now the child will have to go through the emotional trauma of losing the nanny when she leaves her job. Poor child, this is so unfair!

Blimey, I was worried about leaving my cat for 12 nights to go on holiday, let alone my small child! Sticking with the cat topic, my lovely neighbour who was feeding him said she thought he was missing us as he came to her for cuddles which he doesn't normally.

I agree with a previous poster that you could say similar to your friend - not directly judging her, but letting her know that her child is looking around for comfort. That's so sad if the nanny leaves as really the child will see her as "mummy".

Also agree with the suggestion that you suggest some child friendly activities to do with your friend - might get her back into mum mode with your support. I hope you can stay a supportive presence in the little girl's life as she obviously has a bond with you.

two particularly good nannies confided in me about problems at home

@Needmoresleep I’d say the fact they confided in you about problems at home suggests those nannies were the opposite of “particularly good” 🤔

Bad form to confide in the parents of their charges friends, totally unprofessional. Nannies should know better. If they were actually concerned about the children instead of not wanting to be in that environment themselves, confiding in nursery or school staff is the professional way to go about it.

I disagree. I had known a whole series of nannies working for these families, some who were pretty dreadful, and some I am sure quit without notice. These two were good. We lived close to both and I saw a lot of them because of lift shares, bus journeys etc.

But they were at their wits end and were on the verge of quitting. Being a live-in nanny is quite isolating and both were quite young and from overseas, one Australian and one Scandinavian. Both were being exploited and working long long days. They essentially were asking me what they should do, because they really did not have anyone else to ask. I gave the best advice I could, including suggesting to one that she stick it out till Christmas, as that was better in terms of her own ambitions. (Unfortunately she had found a very weird album the husband had collected with pictures of her 20 or so predecessors, all attractive, all blond, which inevitably gave her the creeps. He was a real cocklodger who stayed in bed till mid afternoon then played video games all night without really interacting with his children. The mum in contrast worked 16 hours days and was never around.) I don't know who else they spoke to if anyone, but I think saying things out loud helped. Both quit very soon after.

I can quite see why this nanny is needing to confide in someone who knows the family. She presumably is also at her wits end, and worried for the child.

The mum is well off? Sounds like the fella is using her and will either be offski as soon as he’s leeched enough from her and/or met someone else, or she will kick him into touch when she realises. He’s probably enjoying the trips and will get a reality check when he lives with them.

I actually should’ve expected her being well off if she can afford a FT nanny. They do not come cheap.

yes, it is crap for the child involved, but essentially (and I don’t mean to be rude), it really isn’t any of your business unless the child approaches you mentioning being unhappy (I’d approach mum first if this is the case) or you see proof he’s been neglected or abused (straight to school or SS)

the nanny took this job on knowingly, and stayed despite knowing how much work she’d have to do. She’s sounding off to you but essentially if she wanted to leave, she could hand in her notice today and just work her notice period- she obviously cares about the child, but a job is a job at the end of the day, and she is in a very well paid one. Personally I don’t think she should be sounding off to other parents and I dunno if they are allowed to break confidentiality like that, maybe someone could enlighten me. It sounds awful but she would’ve known what she signed up for.

im sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear. I would leave them be for now and see how everything seems in a few weeks time.

I wouldn't cover for a friend doing this. His moving in is also concerning.

The nanny needs to find a new job as she is taking the piss.