Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

Do her children live with her full time?

It's a blended family and although your parents have every right not to want to be inclusive towards the other children, she has every right to say it's not happening that way.

Difficult, but neither side is right or wrong.

what’s the issue? Leaving out a child is a horrible thing to do to be honest

Is there a back story? Have they done the thing where they buy gifts for all the biological grandchildren and leave the step grandchild out?

I think they should treat him equally. My dad has step grandchildren and you wouldn't know the difference between who's biological and who isn't. They're all treated equally (he actually sees them more as they live closer to him).

I think it’s fine for her to set a boundary that if they want to be part of her family they include all the children in the family and treat them equally 🤷🏼‍♀️

Assuming they rarely see their father, they must live with your SIL and are an integral part of your brother and nephew's life.

Leaving one child out when you make an effort with the others is pretty shit.

I can see SIL point.

On the face of it i can see why it feels like an ultimatum and has upset your mum. However from sil side it must be hard ti see her older children being excluded. If your brother has made them part of his family then i can understand wanting them included

Well then your brother probably agrees with her 🤷‍♂️

My PILs always included my kids from a previous marriage in everything, because we're a family.

Their son now has a family, and it contains more than one child.

Neither are wrong.
i understand why your parents want to spend time with own biological gc
I also understand why sc mother is upset about their rejection
don’t the sc see their own gp?

I agree with this. I expect there’ll be quite the backstory but ultimately, it’s hers and BIL’s family and their choice.
I am quite surprised that your mother seems to be so completely emotionally blindsided by this.. I would assume this hasn’t come out of nowhere. It isn’t an unreasonable ask, to treat all children in a family equally.

Your brother clearly agrees with her.

This is the boundary they, as parents, have set.

They have given a choice, so it's up to you all to either agree, or not.

My adult son's friend is 32 and has an awful lot of childhood trauma to deal with, due to being constantly left out as a child.

He ended up feeling as though he didn't fit in anywhere and was never as important to the grandparents/aunts/uncles etc as the 'blood children'.

Horrible.

SIL sounds like such an amazing mum

I think this is a step too far and I can see why your parents are upset.

I can see SILs point of view of wanting all her children treated equally - so her older kids and your niece/brothers kid. However to try to dictate across all the cousins is a step too far. It will likely end up on your kids and your other siblings kids seeing less of each other rather than hers being included which is sad.

unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

I’m unclear: do you mean if your parents e.g. take your DC to the zoo, SIL wants her son to be taken along with your children? If so, I’d say she’s being unreasonable: grandparents are allowed to spend time individually with one set of grandchildren without the other set being involved, and that’s perfectly normal even in non-blended families. If your parents are visiting your brother and his family but only want to take DN to the zoo and not SIL’s older child, your parents are being unreasonable.

As far as your family is concerned the problem is your brother. If he agrees with his wife then your parents have to go with it with good grace I think.
If he doesn’t agree with her but is too spineless to decide what he thinks is best for his own daughter then you’ve got an issue.
Personally I don’t think your parents should have to always include non-related children. Especially if there are issues with behaviour. It’s not your families fault that they don’t see their dad. Some inclusion is definitely necessary though.

Why are they even having this conversation ? Have your parents been excluding the older child?

We don't have any stepchildren in my family. If we did, I wouldn't necessarily assume they would inherit from non bio relatives, but i would expect them to be included in events, celebrations, gifts, days out etc

Both sides are fine to draw their lines in the sand.

I don’t think your family should be expected to have to involve a new random child but if that’s her and yours brother stance then so be it.

I think it’s horrible to leave some kids out.

I think when you blend a family then that’s what you must do. It should be a given.

Or else don’t have kids with a parent 🤷‍♀️

Why wouldn’t they take the step kids if they know they don’t have other family?

I’d call her bluff and not do any stuff.

What is she expecting?

Could you keep it minimal effort and invite them all to the park or your house?

Is she making her exes parents do the same thing and take her new children out when they take her older ones? If not then it's double standards to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it's absolute fine if your SIL and DB want to be a blended family, but it's also fine if your parents want to spend time with just their grandchildren and not have to involve older children (who won't always be at an age where activities are all fun for everyone either!).

Their grandchildren is 3.5years old - how old are the older children??

Its not your parents job to fill in for the fact your SIL picked a crappy dad for her first kids 🤷

Are the other children badly behaved hence the gps arent having him?

I think it's OK to take two out of three children out every now and again, especially if the two are close in age or share an interest.

But it isn't OK for your parents to repeatedly exclude the other child, even if he's not their grandchild. It's just unkind and he is the brother of their grandchild.

So I think it depends on what's actually happening really.

New random child? 😳

The SIL has a 3 and a half year old with the OP's brother, so they will have known 'new random child' at least that long.

In fairness, the grandparents didn’t have kids with a parent: they didn’t choose who their son married, or to have step-grandchildren, nor can they have any reasonable input into step-grandchildren being shittily behaved.